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Discussion Groups: Manitoba & Canada News & Events


Topic: Let's talk (civilly) about Momshaming
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Abbysmum

9/17/2018 4:00:37 PM
Member since:
Mar 2009
Total posts:3238
Let's talk (civilly) about Momshaming

Let's talk about Momshaming. Because I'm sincerely not understanding it on some levels.  
 
Some parts of it I understand. "You're a bad mom because you bottlefeed", or "You shouldn't work because you should be home with your kids instead". But there's a subtler realm I'm not navigating really well.  
 
I used the word "dumb" to describe a behaviour that had the unintended consequence of putting their child in danger (caveat: although I didn't state is as such, I could just as easily done the same dumb thing and would readily agree with that assessment). Not that the mom was dumb, not that she was a bad mom, not that she should be ashamed of herself, etc. All I did was attach a qualifier to an action, when that action had significant consequences. We all do dumb things all the time.  
 
Or at least I do. I'm assuming everyone else does too.  
 
Are we not allowed to provide any commentary whatsoever on any event that involves parents? When did this happen? Or does this fall into the new social rule that we're not even allowed to ask sincere and legitamite questions, or else we're perceived as being "judgemental"?  
 
Hopefully no one perceived this post as being hateful or judgemental. Just a confused 40-something trying to navigate these complex online social rules.  
 
Sincerely,  
Abby's mom  
(If you were wondering, she's also non-verbal, autistic and epileptic. And the coolest kid I know. But don't tell my other kids.)

hobbes

9/17/2018 4:16:06 PM
Member since:
Jan 2009
Total posts:1602
...

I feel that when it's a post to pass on critical time-sensitive info (ie: an Amber Alert) that personal opinions should be left out of the equation.  
We all judge. We all make mistakes.

Fishin Guy

9/17/2018 5:02:28 PM
Member since:
Dec 2005
Total posts:6415
....

Who are we to judge though? Someone's opinion doesn't make it right or wrong. Let's use some of your examples.  
 
"You're a bad mom for bottle feeding." - You could put a million reasons why it could be bad for the baby. Maybe the reason is breasts hurt too much, baby cannot properly latch on, don't produce enough milk, One can put a million reasons why to bottle feed. The one most important question to ask....Is the child being fed? Yes....Move on. Simple.  
 
"You shouldn't work because you should be home with your kids instead"-Again pages and pages of internet crap to say that being home is more beneficial. Yet same amount of pages saying that sending a child to daycare is more beneficial. Nobody knows the families financials or motives to judge if one should be working or not. The important question is....Is the child being cared for? Yes...we move on. Simple.  
 
"They are dumb for leaving a child in a vehicle."-Same thing. You have the What if something happens and the What if nothing happens. We don't know the situation at the time and again it is purely a judgemental thing. Doesn't mean you are right or not. Honestly what is the difference between leaving your child in a vehicle or letting your child walk to school? Sure my little angel sleeping in the car seat made more sense to leave sleeping while running in to pay for gas, etc. instead of waking out of a sleep to wake Satan and have everyone listening to a screaming baby just to not be judged. Now those parents who leave their child in the vehicle while gambling hours on end. That I have a problem with. Made sense for my parents to leave my sister and I in the vehicle while they did their quick shopping trips. We played, we laughed, we bugged each other, but in the end we were contained and safe. Nobody can prevent someone from taking a child.

navithefairy

9/17/2018 5:19:01 PM
Member since:
Aug 2016
Total posts:24
interestingly...

I find it interesting how there are multiple threads about how unprepared young adults are to function in society, and at the same time, critiquing parenting or behaviours parents exhibit is considered judgmental.  
Or do some people just seriously not see the connection between the two?

Spaghetti Monster

9/17/2018 5:29:04 PM
Member since:
Feb 2010
Total posts:1778
The issue I think...

....that needs to be addressed is not that people are “Mom shaming “ but rather that some Mom’s will feel the shame intended when for the most part I think it unjustified.  
 
A parent need not justify to anyone why they choose to bottle feed. A parent need not justify to anyone their choices in regards to anything that is currently within the realm of lawful behaviour. So long as the child “thrives” the busy bodies should essentially be told to mind their own business.

sammy

9/17/2018 6:16:35 PM
Member since:
Sep 2010
Total posts:8237
..

I think what the OP is trying to say was that she can understand mom shaming when it’s blatantly obvious that it’s up to the parent to decide on what they do...breast vs bottle or sahm vs working out of the home ...but that she doesn’t understand why anything negative can never be said about parents or parenting without the person being labeled as “judgemental” or “mom shaming”  
 
OP, if that’s what you meant, I agree! It seems like in recent years, parents get off free by saying, “don’t judge me. It’s what I do and it works for me”.....well, in some cases, yes the parents made a wrong choice or a dumb choice and now we as society are dealing with the mistakes. Nobody takes responsibility anymore and says, “ya maybe I screwed up. Maybe my child’s behaviour is a result of my parenting and maybe I could have done things differently”  
 
Instead, parents just say “don’t mom shame me. I’m doing the best I can” ....and that may be true for some but in other cases?? Not so much.

Teacherman

9/17/2018 6:38:14 PM
Member since:
Jul 2013
Total posts:31
Recent events

I'm assuming we're talking about the recent amber alert event? If so, then yes, I agree this was a dumb, very avoidable parent choice. Nothing to do with "mom shaming", just lack of judgement from a parent that may be great most of the time.

TheQuietOne

9/17/2018 7:00:42 PM
Member since:
Feb 2008
Total posts:582
....

There's a difference between talking in generals and talking in specifics. And there's showing compassion and humanity and knowing when you should just hold your opinion to yourself.  
 
This is where I statements come in handy: There is nothing inherently wrong with saying "I think breastfeeding is the better choice because a, b, and c reason", but it's rude and inconsiderate to say "Mom's who bottlefeed obviously don't care as much about their childs health/are lazy/are selfish/etc."  
 
"I'd prefer to be a stay at home mom because a, b, and c reasons", vs. "Don't those moms realize their children will have issues because they decided working was more inportant than raising them?"  
 
See the differences? Voice your opinion all you want, so long as it's respectful and not attacking the parent themselves.  
 
And I think it's also important to consider time and place- that compassion and humanity I mentioned. For example I have been known to be very vocal about the whole anti-vax movement and how I feel it is an unnecessary risk not to vaccinate. But I'm not going to jump on my soap box when someone's child contracts measels or polio because they chose not to vaccinate. Just as I wouldn't go on a tangent about why I feel breast is breast when talking to a mother who is in the process of feeding her child from a bottle.  
 
Everybody has a right to an opinion. But even greater than that right, is the responsibility to not be a dick. When did being a nice person become so uncool??

Someonesomewhere

9/17/2018 7:22:52 PM
Member since:
Dec 2011
Total posts:19
...

Maybe it wasn’t necessarily the most appropriate timing to call it like it is but It doesn’t make the OP wrong. I agree with the OP that it doesn’t make it ‘Mom Shaming’. I perceive Mom Shaming as judging a Mother for a parental choice based on personal decisions that they feel is right for the family and the child because they would know. The example the OP used was judging a mother who bottle feeds or works instead of stay at home.  
 
This is not a similar scenario of ‘what works best for our family and my child’. There is no reason or excuse in the world to leave your child in a vehicle to go into a strip mall with the vehicle running and unlocked no matter what the reasoning was so yes it was a dumb-simple as that. If we never had to face the reality of our dumb choices (as parents or not), and have them labeled appropriately, the world would be even more chaotic.

pinkflamingos

9/17/2018 7:39:03 PM
Member since:
Jul 2017
Total posts:178
No

I don't shame moms for 99.9% of things they do or don't do. I do however shame the absolute heck out of anti vaxxers. Decisions that affect everybody, not just the family in question, are the ones that deserve scrutiny.  
 
Also regarding the amber alert, I don't know anything about the story so can't really judge. Mom probably feels bad enough already. I think it's weird everyone in Manitoba got a phone alert about it when it happened in North Battleford and the perpetrator was not expected to get far, but I digress.

Exhausted

9/17/2018 10:04:36 PM
Member since:
Nov 2010
Total posts:1213
Amber alert and mom shaming

I think that needs to go everywhere what’s the harm versus what could happen to the child. So you get a message delete and move on.  
 
As to mom shaming. Unless it is a dangerous situation and on that case call police or security.  
 
Other wise mind your own business especially a stranger.  
 
If your daughter in law or daughter. Keep your mouth shut as remember this is the person who decides if you get to see your grandkids. Just because you did it as a mother doesn’t make it the right choice now for their family.  
 
What gets me who sees children having a tantrum in a store. And are criticizing  
Perhaps this mom is teaching her child that they can’t get their own way all the time.  
 
Please take note the size of the child doesn’t indicate age of child. Just because a child is taller doesn’t mean they are older than they are.

J27

9/18/2018 1:18:03 PM
Member since:
Oct 2011
Total posts:68
...

Maybe it's more the fact that, if you were standing in front of that mother and she was crying/screaming beside herself with worry and already blaming herself immensely, that you wouldn't just say "hey, that was a dumb thing to do, it's all your fault." I dare say she has learned her lesson, and paid the consequences, I don't think she needs complete strangers coming down on her too.

 
 
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