Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 1013
Dealing with our third one, now...
10/7/2022 at 5:01 PM
*attention* - It's a long one. Please get comfortable before starting.
Every kid will be different, but there are a few fundamental rules/ideals that I believe work.
1) Have them involved all year round. Sports, school, music, productive hobbies, employment, volunteer or physical social groups have to happen. You must keep them busy. Full days of doing nothing, but hiding in their rooms all day will always suck them into the digital abyss.
2) Know their friends. Sounds silly, but we were surprised with who they actually talk to and who they "chat" with. They'll have hundreds they have labeled as "friends" but maybe have four or less he/she can really confide to. Sometimes no one at all. Be alert and make them aware that it's a fake, superficial world filled with bored & immature people who would turn on them in an instant if it proved beneficial or entertaining to them.
3) Have a "school night rule". This one works well, but will give a lot of drama. The simplicity of turning off the phone and leaving it out of the bedroom when they sleep and/or do homework is so unbelievably beneficial that I believe that this is a must for kids under 16 years of age. They'll hate you for it, but they'll have the energy to hate you for it the next day. "Stick to your guns". Be the parent not the buddy. They'll say "none of their friends, do this", but it's unbelievable how late they send texts & chats at night. Set the rule and stay one step ahead of them. Get a clock with an alarm. If they have other devices, warn them and confirm with them that the wifi is going off at a certain time or when you go to bed. It sucks for everyone in the house, but sacrifices need to be made to have a good nights sleep.
4) Make it understood that it's your phone - not theirs. It's the bargaining tool you need to control. There will be times you'll need to hold it over their head to "call the shots". A good life lesson to show that rules are there for a reason, they're not always in control, they can't always get what they want and there's always consequences to misbehaviour. Which leads directly to...
5) Full access to the phone and their apps. All passwords must be written down with the acknowledgement that if he/she can't trust you and needs to hide what's happening on those accounts - you, in turn, can't trust them. No bargaining! Rule 4 states "it's your phone". If they fear or feel ashamed of the images and dialogue on the device... They need fine better ways filter, remove and choose better content with their entertainment and "friend group".
6) Activate the "tracking app". When they do decide to leave school/home, the handy Apple "find my phone app" does well in figuring out if they do go to where they say they're going. It's not spying! It's covert security insurance. LOL
I know this sounds incredibly controlling... Well, it is. That's what parents are for. ...To control them until they learn enough for both parties are able to properly communicate and develop mutual trust for each other. As I stated in the beginning, "every kid will be different". My oldest, our daughter, was fairly easy. She is a smart, focused and a socially open individual who at her pre-teens had superior communication skills, plus a good understanding of what ours and her roles on what expectations were in life. The trust was always there and she's open with just about anything & everything, but we knew she kept a personal life with a few secrets and that's fine. She understood the rules were there for her safety. Today, she's still that open, trusting and independent person that is on her way to achieving an professional degree. The middle one, our oldest son, has been an ongoing uphill battle and was the main reason to maintain on "sticking with the rules". To be honest... it was hell during the first few years with him. A lot of that was because of his fight for unsupervised independence brought on by a poor choice of friends. He was toxic at times with us the summer before and the first year of High school, with the root of it being these couple of boys and a "bad break-up" with a girl. And just when he got over the girl and realized those few boys were "bad news"... COVID came. Rule 1 was gone, with all his activities ended for over a year and school was at home. Rule 2 was on shaky grounds, because he hardly saw any of his friends for almost two years and his only contact was through the social media during the lockdowns. Rule 3 basically evaporated with the disastrous home school program that was developed. Those three losses of structure did drag him into the digital abyss and he never left his room for more than an hour at that time. Dark days they were. His whole world condensed to that bloody phone. We couldn't restrict or limit him with that phone, because that's all he had. But once the COVID restrictions let up, things returned to better times. We signed him back up for anything that was available, which got him out of the bedroom and back into the real world. But the biggest turn-around from the isolated COVID years was him getting a job. That personal contact with staff & customers, the responsibility & accountability combined with that all his spare time being occupied with work has greatly reduced his phone usage and goes out to do things with this new friend group of older people. Work, school and sports has made him go to bed early because he's tired and wants to sleep. And a funny thing happened with this work group... He matured and developed an work ethic. He stopped hiding away in his room to spend countless hours staring at a screen. He's going to graduate this spring and we feel and there's no need to monitor him as closely because he is keeping himself actively busy. He is, now, allowed to freely use and take the phone to bed, simply because he finally realized the phone is a tool... not a toy. And life needs to be experienced, not viewed. He gets bored quickly of social media and only "Snaps" when he has something to note instead of something to do. (Now, only if he can find the "right girl". LOL) The third, our younger son, has had his phone only for over a year and has entered High school. And like his brother, he's pushing back on the rules, trying to maintain a secret life. We got luck with this one that he didn't need the phone plan until last year, just on the fact that he didn't go anywhere and his other devices did what he needed during COVID. And again, I have issues/concerns with some of his friends. Like before, they're the ones with too much freedom and way too much time on their hands. It will be another long process to convince this one, as well, that what others want or do, shouldn't be the guide to living your life.
I've come to understand after the first two kids that it's not the phone that troubles our kids. It's the kids boredom combined with the questionable influences from their peers and own curiosity through the phone. Granted, the content on some social media apps is concerning. But, you having access to those apps is the key. Instagram & TicTok is only as toxic if you AND your kid allow it to be. Snapchat can be safe & fun if you know of whom your kid associates with and give them the fear that you can gain access to that account at any time. Rudeness is everywhere on the internet and it reflects on social media. You can't stop it, so prepare your kids for it and educate them. Part of that rudeness is targeted hatred. They need to recognize that from bad taste & poor humor. Social daring has always been a huge part of teen culture of acceptance or asserting dominance/bravery over others and the phone take it to an unimaginable level of consequence. Your kid needs to be, both up on the law and maintain their "self worth". You can't stop the sexualization and inappropriate images coming in or out through that device. That's a choice solely based on the character of the sender and receiver. (One thing can and always leads to another when it comes to the sexy stuff.) But, you can give them the legal education of making/holding/distribution of illegal images and their consequences. And remind them that you will be monitoring from time to time.
I could tell you stories of what was done by each my kids and their friends/acquaintances through their phones, but they're both horrifying to say and embarrassing to be made public. The positive thing is we got through it, they've learned from the negative experience and damage was minimal, because we've stayed on it. Don't just go on believing love, trust and respect will prevent bad things from happening. Often, teens don't understand that concept, fully until their mind matures. Until then, keep them busy, lay out the rules, explain why they are there, make them feel and act responsible while you stay in control and enforce & follow through with consequences from your rules and life's expectations.
Just my opinion, I could be wrong.
Edited by snowman5, 2022-10-07 17:24:15