Discussions

I just want to thank you for opening this discussion. I agree - it needs to be talked about more - and what better place than here on Ebrandon. Just reading through your comment, makes me think of the couple I was parked beside last night - as I was watching the Fireworks in Elgin.  
 
They were in a truck, the driver had his window slightly open, and I was parked there well before the fireworks started - and I could hear the Driver hollering at the passenger - using the F word as every second word in he was hollering, being a Tyrant, bullying her - and he would not QUIT - I had my windows rolled up - and at one point I was going to go over there and tell him to "Shut the Hell UP - or talk to him too using the F word in my diction - but too, I was wondering why is this woman tolerating this abuse??? Abuse is not always Physical, it is Verbal, Financial, Psychological, Controlling Bully Behavior.  
 
It can be brought on by children to their Parents, Spouses, Parents to their children, friends, etc. . . . and I was wondering, what could have happened to me last night had I stepped forward in the DARK, to address this bully??  
 
And yes, you are not alone in this. Abuse, Domestic Violence, Control - happens all around us - and I agree, we need to make this a less taboo topic - so, thank you for mentioning it.  
 
[now I brace myself for the onslaught of abusive comments I will be marked in as the "Ebrandon Trollers" come out with their pitchforks]  
 
- see, it even happens on here -

And I agree it happens here on eBrandon too unfortunately. I have to say that I started on eBrandon years ago to learn to deal with my emotions when confronted by the bullies on eBrandon. Learning to communicate on a public forum has helped me to heal in some ways. It has also helped me to realized how reactive I can be and how I need to stop and think about what I am going to say and how I am going to say it. I'm human like the rest of us. I have a strong sense of justice and will over react when I see something happening that is wrong. So I can come across as bullying in a sense. I've learned to set boundaries with bullies and you can never get enough experience at it. It comes in all sorts of shapes and colours.  
 
I hope more join this discussion. IF not then I hope those who read it, if you are an abusive situation know, you don't have to put up with it. You deserve more. There is help available.

As to why they stay... some believe they have nowhere else to go, some believe their s/o will change, some are afraid to be alone, some would rather stay and put up with it because they love the partner i too was a victim growing up, i watched it happen to my mom for the first decade of my life and swore id never stay in a situation like that. If a man is going to hit me im going to leave. Luckily ive only been in 2 relationships like that and both times i left. I dont want to be a broken record like so many are doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome. Perhaps they are afraid of change?

Some are Narcissistic, SOB's, who are verbally abusive and use a ton of threats to scare you from leaving!!! They will lie/make up stories, threaten to tell coworkers/employers of their nonsense...they tell you that you have no friends and that they treat you better than your own family. (By this time they have alienated you from your friends)..they use suicide threats, and the list goes on...and on...they manipulate you so bad you just want to crawl in a hole and hope it goes away...but it doesn't, until you just don't care about the BS and leave and deal with whatever happens, but you are away from the SOB...usually you will need a protection order once you do leave...

I totally agree Tangerinetoes. You sound like this is a personal situation for you. If so, I am sorry for that. My father was narcissitic and the best des:cription of my family dynamics can be found at this site:  
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201105/the-narcissistic-family-tree  
 
I''m sure lots can see themselves described in that site. Now that is not to say all people who are strongly narcissistic are going to be abusive. They won''t. But that is one component of many abusive situations.  
 
Kaylagurl, you are referring to adult relationships. But what about the children who have no say. They have no choice and are stuck in a situation that is abusive. I just finished watching Spotlight. A movie recommended to me by a friend. In society it is so easy for people to sweep this under the rug and allow children to suffer needlessly. THese children then grow up (provided they don''t commit suicide) to be poorly functioning adults and the cycle often continues in one form or another. They continue in abusive relationships.  
 
Where does it end? Some people say It happened so what, move on. Some people can do that. More power to them. Most people cannot. There is deep-seated trauma that will affect some people their entire lives.  
 
Edited by Spades!!, 2016-06-26 19:51:42

I dont have children, so im not sure. Ive seen more then lots and watched it happen for the first decade of my life however it did make me not want to be like that. I wont repete the cycle. I turned out pretty fantastic all things considering. And your right children cant just leave. I cant ever remember wanting to leave though. I remember being scared whilst it was happening, angry, hurt but never once did i wish i could leave. I thought it was normal. Well normal to me anyways. I didnt know that this wasnt supposed to happen.  
 
As for them growing up to be back in that sort of situation im not sure. That wasnt the case with me i never wanted to be put in that situation by my choices. I want to be better then my parents, correct me if im wrong but isnt that what most kids want? To be better then their parents? Ive never met anyone who said they wanted to be exactly like their parents.

I agree with you Kaylagurl. I know when I grew up in an abusive environment I knew something was wrong at an age as young as 4. But because I didn't know anything else but that life I accepted it. I simply blacked out on the worst of it.  
 
IMO Most of us grow up to be our parents all over again whether we realize it or not. The trick is to enhance the good traits and manage the bad or poor traits that we learned from them. That takes awareness of who we are and the strength to work for something better in ourselves.

It takes a village to abuse one. quote from the movie Spotlight  
 
The responsibility lies with each of us. Don't turn a blind eye if you suspect something. Check it out, be discrete, in case you are wrong. But if you are right, you will have saved a child. The following sites have some good information on abuse in Canada, legalities, what to watch for etc.  
 
http://www.rcmp-grc.gc.ca/pubs/ccaps-spcca/chi-enf-eng.htm  
 
http://www.redcross.ca/how-we-help/violence-bullying-and-abuse-prevention/educators/child-abuse-and-neglect-prevention/definitions-of-child-abuse-and-neglect  
 
http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/cj-jp/fv-vf/about-apropos.html  
 
Abuse affects us all, at all ages. So where do we stop the cycle? With children, our most precious resource. Each new life brought into this world has a gift to give. As adults we nourish and help children grow to their potential so they can learn about their gift, whatever that maybe.  
 
As adults, we can seek out help to heal ourselves from our past hurts and strive to create the best environment for our kids. It is in their future in which the cycle can be broken.  
 
All I'm asking for for everyone who reads this to be that much more aware. Don't turn away if you suspect something. Don't be embarrassed or that you might offend someone. Its ok! You are just checking to make sure. You are part of the village that cares.

Here in Brandon there is an organization called Guardians of the Children. They are part of an international organization. They work with abused children. Their international webpage can direct you to them