Thanks so much for all the responses and based on the suggestions made here, I'll try Esquire and Bladeworx.
Special thanks to folks who got the lighthearted post.
An extra super special thanks to (bethechangeyouwantosee)for being nice and positive. Negativity never bothered me, but I didn't realize the effect of a stranger's positive words until I read your response. I was so happy that you noticed the title of the post, and slept peacefully knowing there's at least one soul in ebrandon who enjoyed the silliness as much as I did.
A genuine thanks to Kellye for cracking me up, it gets me every single time I read your response
And for the people who got creeped out, just wait until I get my new haircut...