Discussions

They are past the point of initial nervousness and fear of rejection. You only live once and they took a "shot" big deal!!!! Did they touch you or make threats towards you? Why are they creepy if they asked for your number? Maybe you need to realize that you are 20 and not 15 and in the adult world people ask other adults out to dinner or coffee or for they're phone number if they are interested in them. The worst you can say is "no" the best they can hope for is you don't go home and write a post on Ebrandon like a 20 year old girl might if she was immature.

Is it possible that you come across as having daddy issues?  
 
Seriously though, you obviously come across as being more approachable than you are. Take it as a compliment unless it is taken too far by the creepy old men.

Wow you guys are rude! If a person says no to refusing a date or giving your number out it means no! It doesn't mean harass the person. I know how you feel OP. I too look younger than I am. And have been harassed on 2 occasions at work by 2 diff men way older than me. And I told them repeatedly no I have a boyfriend! They still continued! But I held my ground! Not giving my number to some random old guy I want nothing to do with. It's borderline stalking in a way. It makes a person feel uncomfortable and embarrassed especially at work! And when they ask repeatedly.

Is it possible that you actually are not being as clear as you think you are? I am absolutely not justifying their behavior or saying what they are doing is ok in anyway, but sometimes (especially with you being younger) that you are not as forceful with your rejections as you think you are. Sometimes it is hard for younger people to be 'aggressive' with their elders out of fear of being disrespectful. At work ask to switch with someone if serving someone who is making uncomfortable. And come up with a sure fire line to put off any unwanted advances. On another note, I do know exactly what you mean, I had the same issue when I was younger, and yes sometimes you are going to come across creeps who are actually interested in young girls.

There are people out there that have a problem realizing that other people have feelings and emotions, they understand their feelings but don't seem to understand how their actions affect people around them. I think we are all guilty of it at times, we say and do things which affect others in an uncomfortable way, most of us learn by those mistakes, but some people never do.

Hiya Hummerduck,  
The simple truth is that many guys have an inflated ego and want to believe that every girl suffers from the Electra theory (she wants to have sex with her dad). Most of these guys think you are turnig them down on the three times no rule (refuse three times then say yes).  
The only thing, as a woman old enough to be your mom, that I can suggest is to be more forceful and bitchy in your refusals. That is the advice I give to my daughter.  
In a public place such as the bus, ask out right and loudly "Are you a pedophile? Do you really think a young girl like me want to have sex with an old creep like you?" Don't be afraid or embarrassed to draw attention, the attention will help to protect you as the guy will be embarrassed and leave you alone.  
Who cares if he calls you a bitch? He obviously thinks you are a potential victim to even approach and harrass you the way he does.  
At work, tell your manager. That is the first step. Customers are not allowed to sexually harrass you...it is against the law. If there is another co-worker available, you turn to that co-worker and ask them to take over. Then go find your manager immediately and tell them what happened.  
Stand up and be vocal, forceful and if needed, bitchy. Sad truth is that there are very few people who will intervene and help you. So you are going to have to morph into the heroine of your own story and save yourself.  
Men make women into *bitches* for the exact same experiences you are going through. Good luck.  
 
 
 
Edited by AndreaD., 2016-03-12 08:04:01

Shouldn't be making you feel uncomfortable! I'm sorry to hear that they are. I think you did the right thing by changing buses, but it is upsetting that you had to!

AndreaD. said "Hiya Hummerduck,   The simple truth is that many guys have an inflated ego and want to believe that every girl suffers from the Electra theory (she wants to have sex with her dad). Most of these guys think you are turnig them down on the three times no rule (refuse three times then say yes).   The only thing, as a woman old enough to be your mom, that I can suggest is to be more forceful and bitchy in your refusals. That is the advice I give to my daughter.   In a public place such as the bus, ask out right and loudly "Are you a pedophile? Do you really think a young girl like me want to have sex with an old creep like you?" Don't be afraid or embarrassed to draw attention, the attention will help to protect you as the guy will be embarrassed and leave you alone.   Who cares if he calls you a bitch? He obviously thinks you are a potential victim to even approach and harrass you the way he does.   At work, tell your manager. That is the first step. Customers are not allowed to sexually harrass you...it is against the law. If there is another co-worker available, you turn to that co-worker and ask them to take over. Then go find your manager immediately and tell them what happened.   Stand up and be vocal, forceful and if needed, bitchy. Sad truth is that there are very few people who will intervene and help you. So you are going to have to morph into the heroine of your own story and save yourself.   Men make women into *bitches* for the exact same experiences you are going through. Good luck.         Edited by AndreaD., 2016-03-12 08:04:01"

Men make women into *bitches*  
 
lmao Really? sorry but seeing that statement made me laugh, YOU didn't MAKE me want to laugh. It was how I chose to react to that statement. The only way you will react the way some one wants you to is if you let them.  
To the young lady who is freaked out by older guys in their 30's and up, relax! Some guys don't see age as a factor, they make look at personality, characteristics, maturity and just act on it. It wasn't and is still not unheard of younger women dating older men, or older women dating younger men. Just keep saying no politely, don't let them turn you into someone you are not. As for what's happening at work, tell your boss unless your boss is one of the guys that are hitting on you, then get a hold of the owner and let him know. You have to realise that women have been getting asked by men for years, maybe even before you were born it was happening. Its not going to stop, men will continue to ask women out and women will either say no or yes. You may even have to say no more than once because well some and I say SOME guys are dicks and don't take a hint.  

Well this thread is just horrible in general.  
 
OP, don't let anyone make you feel guilty for those guys actions which were clearly wrong. You did what was right, sounds like you were more than patient.  
 
Guys can zone in on what they want and be dumb about it. You shouldn't have to go through that because they are dumb, but it is them, not you.  
 
I hope you won't let these random strangers turn you into what Andrea suggests. Yes come up with a brush off or a firm joking response to make him feel sheepish. Simply say, well you're old enough to be my Dad.  
 
But if you follow Andreas advice and change your personality for these men i feel like you've lost something you can't get back.  
 
If you can, its good to let your bus driver know the man wouldnt leave you alone. He may be bothering other girls to and they will want to know he is doing this.

Women should be asking the men out! Sadie Hawkins says so.  
 
Consider yourself lucky, the time will come when they no one "hits on you" or asks you out then that will be a whole new forum discussion.

the man on the bus seemed out of line and i would have made sure to say NO firmly and if he still wouldnt take no then move, talk to the driver, make a scene, whatever you want to do, you dont have to justify your response either, you dont have to have a BF to not want to give your number out to randoms that you dont even find attractive, just say NO, but if you find it easier with an excuse then do that anyway lol  
 
But from what you describe asking you out to coffee isnt a crime, its not harassment ect. how is someone supposed to meet people if they dont put themselves out there? As long as he took No politely then even if you found that he looked to old for you or whatever reason you are not interested he isnt harassing you, yes its uncomfortable to deal with it but thats life  
 

There are some people in our society who don't have a problem with age, there are younger women who have no problem with a man who is much her senior and the same can be said the other way as well, it does not make an older male, or an older female a predator. The bigger problem I would have, if I was a female or maybe even if it was a male, would be a person not accepting the fact that I was not interested, and not leaving me alone.  
 
When I first read this early this morning,I commented to my wife that relationships are sort of like baseball in many ways, and maybe in today's world not enough people understand baseball. Some people think that it takes three strikes to be out, but if you swing at the first pitch and hit a fly ball, and it's caught, your out right away, no more strikes or nothing, your out. Doesn't matter which sex you are, if there's no interest, you've hit a fly ball and your out.  
 
Edited by don brown, 2016-03-12 12:13:47

 
In regards to the age..  
I myself just turned 23 and many people I meet assume I am 28,29,30.  
 
Vice versa, many woman I've meet look like they are about 25 but are only 19,20..  
 
These men probably aren't as old as you think they are and there is a good chance you look a lot older than 20.  

I am close to your age and it happens more than you think. I don't usually get weirded out or worried about it. Usually they cause no harm, just looking for someone to talk to and are even just joking around sometimes. I usually just laugh and move on. If they keep bugging me I tell them how old my dad is (mid 30's) and THEY get weirded out and leave me alone. I think I look young as well (16-17) but maybe to some we look older.

CommonTater said "Is it possible that you come across as having daddy issues?     Seriously though, you obviously come across as being more approachable than you are. Take it as a compliment unless it is taken too far by the creepy old men. "

Exactly how would that look?  
 
 
 
 
 
 

Blue_Guru said "    CommonTater said "Is it possible that you come across as having daddy issues?     Seriously though, you obviously come across as being more approachable than you are. Take it as a compliment unless it is taken too far by the creepy old men. " Exactly how would that look?               "

Not gonna bite on that one as the results would likely be in violation of the rules of this site.  
 
Edited by CommonTater, 2016-03-12 17:51:44

Hummerduck said " The past week or so, I've been hit on multiple times by older men, and each time it has been completely unsolicited. The first time was on the city bus, where a random man sat beside me, and struck up what seemed to be a harmless conversation at first, but then asked me for my phone number repeatedly, despite my making it completely clear that I wasn't interested. It got to the point where I had to switch buses because he made me so uncomfortable. Then, today at work, I took a man's order and he also proceeded to ask me for my phone number, stating that he wanted to take me for coffee.   I don't know why this is such an issue, especially considering I look MUCH younger than I actually am (20) and they're always men who are MUCH older than me. The first man seemed to be about mid-30's, but the man who harassed me at work was in AT LEAST his 50's!   All I want to know is, why the heck are these old guys hitting on what look to be 15-year olds (in my case), and what can I do to avoid this in the future? It's creepy as hell and makes me uncomfortable... "

I would suggest being assertive in how you respond. No need to be a "b*tch" as some people have stated. You can say no, mean it, and be polite at the same time.  
 
If you feel insecure to the point that you can't shake off the feelings from unwanted interactions with males from various ages, then maybe you can look at taking a class to help boost your self esteem. It may help you the next time someone who doesn't meet your criteria asks for your number.  

AndreaD. said "Hiya Hummerduck,   The simple truth is that many guys have an inflated ego and want to believe that every girl suffers from the Electra theory (she wants to have sex with her dad). Most of these guys think you are turnig them down on the three times no rule (refuse three times then say yes).   The only thing, as a woman old enough to be your mom, that I can suggest is to be more forceful and bitchy in your refusals. That is the advice I give to my daughter.   In a public place such as the bus, ask out right and loudly "Are you a pedophile? Do you really think a young girl like me want to have sex with an old creep like you?" Don't be afraid or embarrassed to draw attention, the attention will help to protect you as the guy will be embarrassed and leave you alone.   Who cares if he calls you a bitch? He obviously thinks you are a potential victim to even approach and harrass you the way he does.   At work, tell your manager. That is the first step. Customers are not allowed to sexually harrass you...it is against the law. If there is another co-worker available, you turn to that co-worker and ask them to take over. Then go find your manager immediately and tell them what happened.   Stand up and be vocal, forceful and if needed, bitchy. Sad truth is that there are very few people who will intervene and help you. So you are going to have to morph into the heroine of your own story and save yourself.   Men make women into *bitches* for the exact same experiences you are going through. Good luck.         Edited by AndreaD., 2016-03-12 08:04:01"

Just WOW ....

I am not trying to be rude, funny or disrespectful with the following question.  
 
Are you offended if anyone hits on you at work or are you offended when certain people hit on you?

Have been chasing younger girls since forever some girls like it some dont, unfortunately for the OP the only way to find out is to ask, have you never had a young guy be persistent and not take no for an answer thats another thing some like, some dont and you have to ask to find out, guess in a perfect world we would all carry signs stating how we would like to be approached.

for these reasons why some of us are scared to pay women compliments. I realize that the op stated that she felt uncomfortable from the men asking for her number, but we only have 1 side. Maybe (and I am not sure here) but the older man complimented her on her smile, looks, attitude then asked for her number.  
Now we have 1 individual telling her to become a man hater and basically rip the heart out of any man that looks at her.  
So many times I have had a beautiful (not just looks but attitude) serve me and I think to myself...now is the time I am going to tell this person how nice their smile, personality, hair, face (enter anything respectful here) and I hold back because I don't want to be that creepy late 30's married man that is hitting on every woman. But in reality it's just paying a compliment in the hopes of making someone feel good about themselves, maybe changing a bad day into a good day. I know for me, when I get a compliment about being a good worker from a client, or having a past employee text me saying thanks for caring it makes my day (I don't get compliments on looks cause I am an late 30's creepy man). My grandfather used to do that all the time back in the 80's and you would watch a young girl go from shy or quiet to red in the face and then just happy. He had "girlfriends" in every restaurant, border guards, and grocery stores that all knew him and my grandma by name and would always look forward to serving him/them and this lasted long after he died...and this was not small town MB, this was all over the lower mainland BC.  
My point is sometimes we creepy middle age men are just trying to pay a compliment. If these men went over the line, I apologize for them and encourage you not to turn into a man hater! We have enough man haters in this world and to start out life (and you are still just starting) as a man hater would be a shame. For the record the few times I have eaten at McDonalds on the north hill there have been some beautiful young girls in there with awesome smiles and some nice young men that are always nice to talk too & polite. But please fill my supersized fries up to supersize capacity....not small size capacity (I would complain in person, if I didn't get greeted with a nice attitude).

Hummerduck,  
Ever notice the guys posting who say you should be flattered fall into the same catagory of the men who will not take "no, not interested" from you?  
They assume if a woman has to act like a bitch to get her point across then she is ALWAYS a bitch or a "man-hater"?  
The point is that you stated yourself that you look like you are under-age, like a girl in grade 9, maybe grade 10. And guys who are significantly older are trying to repeatedly get your phone number in ways that make you feel uncomfortable and threatened. And this is "okay," you should be "flattered!"  
From what you stated, this is way more than "you have a pretty smile" kind of compliment followed by "have a nice day." This is the creepy pushy guy who can't take "not interested" as an answer.  
It is alarming to me how many people are advising you to be flattered and happy about it. How you should be grateful for unwanted male attention that you have gone out of your way with words, body language and actions to show it is unwanted attention. Men on this site are telling you that you are supposed to enjoy sexual harassment and that essentially you are too sensitive or too stupid to know what is okay and what is grossly inappropriate.  
Sorry Hummerduck, but judging by the comments posted on how you should appreciate significantly older men directing sexual attention at you, you are not going to get support from much of the male population in this town. Yes, it is sexual attention, not fatherly or just friendly. Fatherly or friendly isn't creepy, isn't threatening and does not force a girl to change buses to avoid.  
It is as though you are somehow in the wrong for being a pretty young woman: or that you asked for male attention by having a job at McDonald's or by taking city transit.  
I cannot help but wonder about many of these guys who are telling you to be grateful for sexual attention (sorry, *very friendly* attention) from significantly older men. Of these guys telling you it is fine and okay, how many of them wouldn't want to hunt down and tear the balls off a guy who hit on their 15 year old daughter. (I know you are 20, but as you stated, you look 15 and these men don't know you are 20.)  
No sweetie, I still stand by my statement that you are going to have to pull out the attitude and bitchy side to protect yourself. You can always put her away later. And every guy who is brutally shot down buy a female will call her a bitch, it is a fact of the society in which we live. There are times you will have to be a bitch to be listened to and taken seriously. Obviously being poliete and saying "no" is not enough in all cases.  
Just like the fact even nice guys can be forced to be a**holes, even nice girls can be forced into situations where breaking out the bitch is her best and quickest salvation.  
Every woman out there can tell you there are times she has to be a bitch to protect herself and her children. They may use other words such as "forceful", "determined", "uncompromising", "aggressive" or "strong". But those are all traits guys will attribute to a bitch.  
So I still advise you to not be afraid to be a bitch if the need arises. You will be taken seriously and you will not be made to feel like a victim. Obviously nice and gentle hasn't been cutting it and nobody stepped in to help you out.  
It doesn't make you a man-hater either. Just because you hate unwanted sexual attention doesn't mean you hate all men or think of them all the same. You don't have to be nice to all people all of the time. It is okay to verbally defend yourself with unkindness if your normal, kinder responses are not enough. Never let anyone tell you that you don’t have the right to defend yourself or that you are wrong to be creeped out and disgusted by repeated unwanted sexual advances.  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Edited by AndreaD., 2016-03-13 11:44:31

not every poster commenting on here is a man so some of us women by her description of events do think she could be a bit more compassionate to the guys putting themselves out there (not the guy on the bus tho) To turn a guy down there is no need to be a bitch or to ever put that name on your actions!! If other people do that fine but to kindly (or firmly if you have to) say no to nice men who express interest isnt being a bitch and they are not sexually harassing her by asking her out.  
 
when a person, man or women, gets the courage to say hey, you look like a person i would like to get to know and asked if they want the same, its a hard thing, a no makes both people a little bit uncomfortable but not every interaction in life goes smoothly, as an adult you have to understand that. In a situation like Mc Donald's the interaction is very brief so it really isnt a big deal, to make it one is immature  
 
the guy on the bus is a different story tho and im sure he had something wrong with him but when out in public you do have to deal with all kinds of people, some mentally unstable, being firm or whatever you have to do to handle people like that is protecting yourself and has nothing to do with being a bitch and i think its almost just as wrong and we should stop telling women to be bitches when they are just stating their boundaries

Hummerduck said " The past week or so, I've been hit on multiple times by older men, and each time it has been completely unsolicited. The first time was on the city bus, where a random man sat beside me, and struck up what seemed to be a harmless conversation at first, but then asked me for my phone number repeatedly, despite my making it completely clear that I wasn't interested. It got to the point where I had to switch buses because he made me so uncomfortable. Then, today at work, I took a man's order and he also proceeded to ask me for my phone number, stating that he wanted to take me for coffee.   I don't know why this is such an issue, especially considering I look MUCH younger than I actually am (20) and they're always men who are MUCH older than me. The first man seemed to be about mid-30's, but the man who harassed me at work was in AT LEAST his 50's!   All I want to know is, why the heck are these old guys hitting on what look to be 15-year olds (in my case), and what can I do to avoid this in the future? It's creepy as hell and makes me uncomfortable... "

What really concerns me about the bus situation is that you repeatedly told him that you weren't interested but he kept on asking you and I totally understand how that would make you feel uncomfortable and even scared. Repeatedly asking you combined with being around double your age suggests he is a creeper.  
 
There are some relationships where there is a big difference in age, but this doesn't sound like it could have become a healthy one, given the extreme difference in age and his behavior.  
 
Bye the same token, if the guy who asked you at work respected your answer, and doesn't harass you, then I wouldn't worry about it. If he keeps coming to work and asking you, then you should tell your manager. You have every right to feel safe in your workplace.  
 
I suggest that you sit near the front of the bus if there is a seat, so you are closer to the bus driver. If someone asks you once, and you only need to decline them once, then so be it. But if they harass you, then I suggest that you speak assertively in a voice loud enough for others to hear, especially the bus driver. You could say something like, "As I have said several times, I am not interested in giving you my phone number. Leave me alone." And then move to another seat. He will likely be embarrassed enough to stop harassing you. If you are sitting on the inside, you can also somewhat loudly ask him to let you out of the seat and then move.  

Hummerduck said " The past week or so, I've been hit on multiple times by older men, and each time it has been completely unsolicited. The first time was on the city bus, where a random man sat beside me, and struck up what seemed to be a harmless conversation at first, but then asked me for my phone number repeatedly, despite my making it completely clear that I wasn't interested. It got to the point where I had to switch buses because he made me so uncomfortable. Then, today at work, I took a man's order and he also proceeded to ask me for my phone number, stating that he wanted to take me for coffee.   I don't know why this is such an issue, especially considering I look MUCH younger than I actually am (20) and they're always men who are MUCH older than me. The first man seemed to be about mid-30's, but the man who harassed me at work was in AT LEAST his 50's!   All I want to know is, why the heck are these old guys hitting on what look to be 15-year olds (in my case), and what can I do to avoid this in the future? It's creepy as hell and makes me uncomfortable... "

What really concerns me about the bus situation is that you repeatedly told him that you weren't interested but he kept on asking you. I totally understand how that would make you feel uncomfortable and even scared. Repeatedly asking you combined with being around double your age suggests he is a creeper.  
 
There are some relationships where there is a big difference in age, but this doesn't sound like it could have become a healthy one, given the extreme difference in age and his behavior.  
 
By the same token, if the guy who asked you at work respected your answer, and doesn't harass you, then I wouldn't worry about it. If he keeps coming to work and asking you, then you should tell your manager. You have every right to feel safe in your workplace.  
 
I suggest that you sit near the front of the bus if there is a seat, so you are closer to the bus driver. If someone asks you once, and you only need to decline them once, then so be it. But if they harass you, then I suggest that you speak assertively in a voice loud enough for others to hear, especially the bus driver. You could say something like, "As I have said several times, I am not interested in giving you my phone number. Leave me alone." And then move to another seat. He will likely be embarrassed enough to stop harassing you. If you are sitting on the inside, you can also somewhat loudly ask him to let you out of the seat and then move.  

You are likely in for a long unpleasant life if you are offended when others don't follow your rules in social situations. When your hopes and preferences become rules that draw anger when others don't conform, you set yourself up for continued disappointment. I hope you find joy but I also hope you learn to accept that your hopes and preferences are not societal rules. In addition, I do hope that you don't encounter the scum that won't take no for an answer.

If you are serious about meeting someone, get involved in a group you are interested in. Many of the volunteer organizations have a social group built around it and THAT is where you ask for a phone number. At least you are starting the relationship on a common interest besides riding the same bus or shopping in the same produce aisle.  
 
If you do not have time to give a few hours a week to your community, you do not have time for a relationship.  
 
In addition to the many service clubs, there are volunteers needed at the Humane Society to care for the animals, the hospital has volunteer guides at the front desk and emergency rooms, personal care homes may need extra help with weekly bingo or cards, and there are churches that include fellowship and other activities beyond the Sunday sermon.  
 
 

and physically assaulting you are 2 different things!!! Yes have a can of mace in your purse for protection from anybody that tries to assault you but know the laws "being asked out is not considered assault and battery".

katwalk1909 said "If you are serious about meeting someone, get involved in a group you are interested in. Many of the volunteer organizations have a social group built around it and THAT is where you ask for a phone number. At least you are starting the relationship on a common interest besides riding the same bus or shopping in the same produce aisle.     If you do not have time to give a few hours a week to your community, you do not have time for a relationship.     In addition to the many service clubs, there are volunteers needed at the Humane Society to care for the animals, the hospital has volunteer guides at the front desk and emergency rooms, personal care homes may need extra help with weekly bingo or cards, and there are churches that include fellowship and other activities beyond the Sunday sermon.       "

did you even read the thread?  
 
the op wasnt looking to meet someone, she is upset about how others are trying to meet her

I know exactly how it feels. Regardless of intentions it is sickening time after time. I have been reading the Reddit sub 'Lets not meet' lately and other peoples crazy stories have put in perspective what is creepy and I just didn't realize it.....I know these stories are the crazy end of the spectrum but considering most people try to rationalize or justify creepy behavior (like many comments on here) especially when experiencing it I thought it would be good to point out if you feel creeped out, you are entitled to those feelings and you should listen to your gut. Also if you notice peoples stories of unwanted attention often illustrate how those people have similar personalities or certain qualities. IE: people being bugged consistently are too nice and didn't want to come across as rude so they continued to engage said person. It is kind of like how people attract a certain type of person for a significant other or are attracted to a certain type of person. People are smart they can pick up on weakness or other qualities.  
 
In conclusion my theory is those kind of annoying creepers you experience hitting on you are attracted to you for a reason, once you figure out what it is you can make change to deter it. Mine was lack of confidence, even if I can fake it, it keeps the old annoying men away so they don't approach anymore.  
 
Edited by hatsoff, 2016-03-14 09:31:18