Discussions

There's not much in the world that irks me more then when someone asks me this question.  
 
I have a younger sister who has a son who is a year old, and people- friends, family and co workers, think this means it's okay to crack jokes or ask me when I'm going to get started on my family.  
 
1. It's none of your damn business. If I wanted you to know, I'd tell you.  
2. The people who are asking usually know I am single, and not ready for a family.  
3. I'm still in my 20's- no need to rush me because MY life isn't going according to YOUR plan.  
4. I have underlying medical conditions that are likely going to make natural conception difficult, if not impossible. People asking questions such as this just reminds me of everything I have to deal with.  
 
So, the next time you want to ask a young woman when she plans on starting her family...don't!

Well, I think it works both ways as well. I have 2 (going on 3) children, I've been married for a long while, and I get met with "your having another?" Or "don't you think you should focus on your career?" Yet I'm marred, have a house and can support my children financially (not on welfare), yet people poke their noses were they are not supposed to be. I've worked hard to get to where I am, due to circumstances I started life at a young age, but I know God has his plans for me. We will be fostering/adopting within the next few years, and I am sure I will be met with more snide comments. At this point , it is what it is. Does it bother me? Most definitely. But, people will always have their thoughts on how they would run your life. Even if you had 1 child, they would ask you when you'd have your 2nd. Then if you had a second, they would ask you if your going to try once more to see if you can have a boy, or girl. Then when you had that 3rd they will tell you that vacationing will be hard because everything is meant for families of 4. It goes on and on. My point to this all, don't let it bother you. People will always talk. Sometimes I think part of it is envy. I would get less judgments if I was my age, partying and drinking and going to college for a degree that I don't even want to use, but I chose to be a mother..... You make your choices on what you know you want and your life at that moment. When people judge you, smile and say "life has a way of working itself out" and move on. Embrace life for what it is at this moment, things can change all too quickly. Pm me if you'd like to talk more, I know we are at different points in life, but sometimes a encouraging word means a lot, no matter who it's from God will bless you with the life you are mean to have, don't let others get to you

our society sucks at small talk. it's always the same generic unoriginal thing. like the previous poster says it never stops. "when are you getting married, when are you going back to work, when are you having another, you're having another?"  
 
don't worry about being polite at their impolite questions. roll your eyes and walk away.

With the world population clock at nearly 7.454 billon people, a simple reply could be, "I don''t believe in the lemming effect".  
Lemmings multiply till they reach numbers that are unsustainable, the the majority commit suicide, and we don''t all want to have to do that, do we?  
 
Edited by don brown, 2016-09-29 14:56:17

family4ever just do the best you can god will always lead the way after all the miss haps my wife and family endured things are different way of living not what we wanted but it works and we have fun

don brown said "With the world population clock at nearly 7.454 billon people, a simple reply could be, "I don''t believe in the lemming effect".   Lemmings multiply till they reach numbers that are unsustainable, the the majority commit suicide, and we don''t all want to have to do that, do we?     Edited by don brown, 2016-09-29 14:56:17"

Much better idea than my standard reply. If it's someone I don't know well, I usually just brush the question off. If it's a friend or family member I know well, they usually get a not so kind, "None of your F***ing business".

It's human nature to ask "when are you getting married", "when are you having children", "You're having another?!?!".....I know I'm guilty of all 3!! lol...well, I don't say the last question to the person, just in my head or to my friend haha  
 
I sometimes forget that not everyone is as open as me so I know I for sure at times have asked a question that was none of my business. I just assume that those who don't want to tell me will tell me it's none of my business.  
 
If it's being asked out of genuine curiousity and no ill intent then I don't mind. It's when it's asked with judgement that it irks me.  
 
We've been together for 6 years, engaged for 5. Those that know us, know that a wedding is not my priority and when/if it does happen, it will be a surprise. Those that also know us, know that we've decided not to have children. I am open with our reasons for why and have no problem talking about them. I enjoy those kind of discussions though. I always prefer to have a deeper conversation than just small talk.  
 
Those that don't know us as well, still ask from time to time but we are just upfront with our answers. These are things that I want to know about others too so I guess I'm more understanding of it. I think they are questions that should be discussed more often. Too much taboo is put on these topics and sometimes people feel ashamed and alone...it's often not the case but you won't know unless you discuss!

Reply with "Why on earth would you ask something that's so personal and really none of your business?"

sammy said "It's human nature to ask "when are you getting married", "when are you having children", "You're having another?!?!".....I know I'm guilty of all 3!! lol...well, I don't say the last question to the person, just in my head or to my friend haha     I sometimes forget that not everyone is as open as me so I know I for sure at times have asked a question that was none of my business. I just assume that those who don't want to tell me will tell me it's none of my business.     If it's being asked out of genuine curiousity and no ill intent then I don't mind. It's when it's asked with judgement that it irks me.     We've been together for 6 years, engaged for 5. Those that know us, know that a wedding is not my priority and when/if it does happen, it will be a surprise. Those that also know us, know that we've decided not to have children. I am open with our reasons for why and have no problem talking about them. I enjoy those kind of discussions though. I always prefer to have a deeper conversation than just small talk.     Those that don't know us as well, still ask from time to time but we are just upfront with our answers. These are things that I want to know about others too so I guess I'm more understanding of it. I think they are questions that should be discussed more often. Too much taboo is put on these topics and sometimes people feel ashamed and alone...it's often not the case but you won't know unless you discuss! "

on this topic we think the same, i never get offended at personal questions and actually hate boring small talk with people i know so even tho i have fertility issues i dont care if i get asked about my reproductive choices, sometimes it hits a sore spot but i know that is not their intent so i dont let it bother me  
 
people have to remember that there is no right or wrong answer, we are just curious about your life

Sometimes people are looking for a bit of happiness in thus hard world and this could be their way of looking for something to be happy over. A new marriage or a baby can be just that...new hope. I try to be sensitive to these things and try to be respectful of others, remembering getting those questions myself, but sometimes I forget.  
 
It can be hard, but you know, people will always ask. Don't be rude, but change the subject, turn the spotlight on them with a return question or walk away. There is nothing wrong with that. If someone can handle the truth send you can trust them with it, share it. You might never know if they are going through similar and having some hard time with something and you can help support them.  
 
When I was younger I got those questions. When I got married at a later age and was expecting shortly after, we were questioned about not waiting for a few years first. Really? When we could only have one child, we were questioned. It was especially hard then and also after a miscarriage too. When we finally were blessed with more kids than the norm, we got questions and sometimes harsh judgment about having so many, but then there were a few old souls (often strangers) who encouraged us on hard days. Those were truly beautiful people.  
 
We were going to adopt at one point but were never so privileged. I remember getting attacked by one lady I just met and she was harsh. My dh left and there it was. She hated adoption and felt like she should cut me down. I certainly felt hurt, but sad for her that she was so angry. Hopefully she did not do that to too many others.  
 
It is your life. It will go the way it is supposed to with happiness, sadness, disappointments and pleasant surprises. Nobody can truly plan their course and nobody can plan yours. It is nobody's business, that is true. But remember as others have said...questions & judgment will happen at every stage of life. It will always exist.  
 
Live your life, make it full. Be positive. Don't let these things/questions/people bring you down.

A couple weeks after my second miscarriage I ran into a neighbour who patted my belly (literally!) and asked when I was going to finally start having kids. I can't remember what I said, but it took every last ounce of restraint for me to not kick him in the junk and scream at him that it was none of his business.  
 
I actually regret not causing a scene. He has no idea how much I was hurting at the time and he thinks it was an innocent question. And for some stupid reason, instead of sticking up for myself and letting him know his inquiry wasn't ok, I just brushed it off to spare him any awkwardness. But he didn't deserve my consideration. People need to mind their own business.

traveller said "    sammy said "It's human nature to ask "when are you getting married", "when are you having children", "You're having another?!?!".....I know I'm guilty of all 3!! lol...well, I don't say the last question to the person, just in my head or to my friend haha     I sometimes forget that not everyone is as open as me so I know I for sure at times have asked a question that was none of my business. I just assume that those who don't want to tell me will tell me it's none of my business.     If it's being asked out of genuine curiousity and no ill intent then I don't mind. It's when it's asked with judgement that it irks me.     We've been together for 6 years, engaged for 5. Those that know us, know that a wedding is not my priority and when/if it does happen, it will be a surprise. Those that also know us, know that we've decided not to have children. I am open with our reasons for why and have no problem talking about them. I enjoy those kind of discussions though. I always prefer to have a deeper conversation than just small talk.     Those that don't know us as well, still ask from time to time but we are just upfront with our answers. These are things that I want to know about others too so I guess I'm more understanding of it. I think they are questions that should be discussed more often. Too much taboo is put on these topics and sometimes people feel ashamed and alone...it's often not the case but you won't know unless you discuss! " on this topic we think the same, i never get offended at personal questions and actually hate boring small talk with people i know so even tho i have fertility issues i dont care if i get asked about my reproductive choices, sometimes it hits a sore spot but i know that is not their intent so i dont let it bother me     people have to remember that there is no right or wrong answer, we are just curious about your life "

We also had fertility issues and a miscarriage. It makes people nervous to talk to you about it and I hate that. But again, I'm an open person and I get not everyone is. I have no issue telling friends/family our experiences and if anything, I just want them to know their not alone  
 
I decided that I wanted to take the sadness, taboo, stigma out of it. When I was "googling" for help, insight, suggestions, basically anything....I came up with nothing. We're all just going through life and learning as we go. I needed to talk about what happened but found nothing online that helped me. Once I told more people, they would say "oh I know how you feel. I had xxx happen to me" or "my wife went through that too and I remember how it felt" I was so grateful for those friends/family who were brave enough to discuss their stories with me. They were encouraging and empathetic and let me know I wasn't alone or a victim and that every thing happens for a reason.  
 
My fertility issues and miscarriage are behind us now but I have no issue talking about them to someone, even if it just reassures them that they did nothing wrong, it's common and it's not the end of the world. There are options out there!!  
 
We're all just doing life together....let's discuss all the aspects of it!!

Flat out say: Why do you think its any of your business IF OR NOT starting a family...turn & walk away

Thank you to everyone who took the time to share their insight!  
 
I agree with most of what was said, and I should clarify a bit...  
 
I have absolutely no issues with talking to people who genuinely know and care about my health issues and the difficulties surrounding finding out at a young age that the choice to have a family may not be yours to make.  
 
What does irk me is when people tease me for being single and not starting a family yet- bear in mind I'm in my late 20's, I've still got lots of time! it's the jokes and snide remarks that get under my skin and that make it hard not to be a jerk. When someone is being kind and willing to have an open and honest dialogue, then I have no issues with a discussion on anything fertility, pregnancy and family planning related! I too get comfort from knowing there are others out there who can relate and know the pain- physical, mental and emotional that I go through and will continue to go through until I hit menopause- and probably even after that.

SilentObserver said "Thank you to everyone who took the time to share their insight!     I agree with most of what was said, and I should clarify a bit...     I have absolutely no issues with talking to people who genuinely know and care about my health issues and the difficulties surrounding finding out at a young age that the choice to have a family may not be yours to make.     What does irk me is when people tease me for being single and not starting a family yet- bear in mind I'm in my late 20's, I've still got lots of time! it's the jokes and snide remarks that get under my skin and that make it hard not to be a jerk. When someone is being kind and willing to have an open and honest dialogue, then I have no issues with a discussion on anything fertility, pregnancy and family planning related! I too get comfort from knowing there are others out there who can relate and know the pain- physical, mental and emotional that I go through and will continue to go through until I hit menopause- and probably even after that. "

that you would love to start a family, but since you are single you would need financial assistance, ask them if they are going to help with money.

It's small talk people. I understand that it can feel hurtful if there's something going on with you that others don't know about but don't be thin skinned or defensive. It's not the person's intent to be hurtful. Brush it off. Change the subject. And those of you who suggest a rude response in these situations it's people like you who wonder why you don't have friends.

Do you think my comment would be rude, or a bit of logical thinking, I don't like being rude, just like to see people think that others may have their own reasons for what they do.

Hopefully tonight baby! YAAAAAAAAAAAA

Until we started having our own fertility issues and I understood what a knife in the gut it was to get asked. My usual answer is, I'd love to have a family, it's not working out for us right now. Usually it makes people fairly uncomfortable and they drop it. When I hear my friends ask people that question, I generally wait until we are away from whoever they've asked and explain to them that it's not always a nice question to be asked. I know it's just harmless conversation but it can take me by surprise and feels like a punch to the gut. I don't want or need another reminder that I may not be able to have children, especially from a stranger.  
 
There's one guy I work with that asks me about 3 days a week why I'm not engaged or married yet and it was funny the first time, not the 100th time he's asked. Just flipping drop it already buddy!!