Discussions

June 9, 2008  
Eldrick Woods  
111 Freakin' Huge Mansion Lane  
Jupiter Island, Florida  
33455  
 
Dear Tiger,  
 
I doubt you remember me. We have only met twice. The first time was in a clubhouse bathroom at Augusta National on the Saturday morning of the 2002 Masters. You walked in and took a spot at the urinal next to me. I was startled, tried desperately to think of something cool to say, but could only muster, "Good luck." You chuckled and answered, "Thanks, but I do this several times a day, I'll be all right."  
 
I thought that was pretty darned funny. Oh, by the way, you won that weekend (I figure you must lose track).  
 
Our second meeting came right after you claimed the 2005 British Open at St. Andrews, when I conned my way into a one-on-one interview with you for TSN.  
 
The only thing I remember about it, besides how friendly and laid back you were (such a contrast to the stone-faced golfing Terminator people seen on TV), was that you called me "Homeslice." Seriously. Just before the camera rolled, I said, "Congrats," and you answered "Thanks, Homeslice." It freaked me out a little. I hadn't heard the word Homeslice since Dwayne Wayne used it on A Different World. Or maybe it was Rerun on What's Happening. You must have been joking with me again, because it would really hurt your street cred if you actually use that word regularly.  
 
Anyway Tiger, those two encounters mean we're pretty tight, right? So I am writing to ask you a favour.  
 
Don't diss hockey anymore, Tiger.  
 
You've probably heard by now your little quip last week got a lot of attention up here. You know the one. Some reporter asks you on a teleconference call who you are cheering for in the Stanley Cup final and you reply, "I don't really care. Ask me about the Dodgers. I don't think anybody really watches hockey anymore."  
 
Zing!  
 
Now, I know this is old news and you've long since moved on to that little "U.S Open" thingy you're apparently involved in this week, but I've been on the road and hadn't had a chance to share my feelings with you.  
 
So I just wanted to say: don't worry, old buddy. Your comments didn't bother me much. Knowing your zany sense of humour like I do, you were probably pulling our legs again. I'm guessing you giggled internally as soon as you said it, thinking, "This'll get my buddy Weirsy all riled up! I kill me!"  
 
You are one wacky funster, Tig. But here's the problem: Most hockey fans who aren't as close to you as I am didn't get it. You see, we puckheads get our backs up when someone knocks our game. We feel sucker-punched. So we hit back. Hockey columnists wrote scathing editorials about you. Hockey commentators ripped you. Mike Milbury came to work Tuesday in Pittsburgh begging me to let him go after you on our panel. Sorry, Tiger, I couldn't stop him.  
 
"You know what? I'm gonna change the name now. It's gonna be Tiger Wuss!" Milbury said. "Here's a guy that took about three months to get over a simple arthroscopic surgery. You look at Ryan Malone. His face exploded with a slap shot - he's back out in 10 minutes!"  
 
And you thought Johnny Miller was tough! Could have been worse. Milbury could have hit you with a shoe (YouTube it, Tiger, if I lost you there.)  
 
Your comments struck a nerve because we all admire and respect you. Heck, almost all hockey players play golf. And if you are fortunate enough to be a Toronto Maple Leaf, you get to play a lot.  
 
Hockey people idolize you. So when you mock their game, it hurts them. Especially when you're wrong.  
 
Yes, I know you weren't talking about Canadians when you said no one watches. You've spent time up here. You know that if we don't watch hockey, we get deported. It's in our constitution. But even in the U.S, you are off base.  
 
Didn't you see NBC's ratings for the Cup final? Hockey is hot in the U.S. again. We may soon catch arena football in the ratings down there. After that, who knows? Women's softball might even be within reach.  
 
Anyway, Tiger, I just think it would be best if you left hockey alone and went back to ripping Phil Mickelson. Now, that was good comedy.  
 
No hard feelings. We're not going to get Sidney Crosby to slam golf, just to get even. And if even you don't watch our sport, we'll keep watching yours. At least when you play. (No offence, pal, but we aren't exactly rushing home Sunday to watch Bart Bryant and Tom Pernice battle it out for the Des Moines Open.)  
 
Signed,  
 
Your old pal, James (Homeslice)  
 
Btw, how's Elin? Does she ask about me?  
 
(From the Ottawa Citizen)  
 
James Duthie is the host of the NHL on TSN.