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Hey everyone, I need some advice when it comes to a particular issue in our home. Just to paint a picture I have 2 children aged 11 and 9 . I have been raising them on my own for quite some time. I have a new partner who is very egar to be a parent to my kids. I only met him in sept 2019. He moved in with us in June. We are fighting a lot when it comes to parents because he doesn’t think I’m stern enough or discipline my kids enough. Sometimes I would agree, but I always tell him kids are suppose to make mistakes so then can learn and we can correct them accordingly. My oldest doesn’t like him very much. He tells me that my bf yells to much and is mean to him. Sometimes I feel as though maybe yes he is being a bit of a bully so I talk to him about it. Often them leads to a fight cuz my kid is the disrespectful one. Well last night I found out that my boyfriend has been using the smoke/fire alarm to wake my oldest up in the mornings. My youngest tells me my bf doesn’t even say wake up. That he just walked into his room with the alarm in hand and turned it on. I also have 2 dogs and a cat in my home. My son has sensitive ears to those loud noises too. I am looking for advice as to how to approach my bf with this issue as to me this is abusive. It is misuse of a HUGE safety measure, mentally and physically abusive to my child who is having this sound blasted beside his ears and terrifies the animals. Not only is my son potentially going to ignore a fire alarm in the future or sleep threw it. It’s messing with his head emotionally. In my opinion this is more then childish behaviour. Any thoughts suggestions or advice on how to make this situation better so it doesn’t happen again?

I think you need to tell him to move out.

What’s most important in your life?  
This in “my own opinion “ is child abuse , plain and simple , and I would not stand for anyone treating my children or pets this way. You were raising them on your own before maybe it’s time to make them your priority before you lose custody of your kids .  
Go to your kids school talk to a counsellor or principal there. A child’s home life reflects in their school life too.  
Every child deserves a safe home free from bullying and abuse.  
 
Sorry if this sounds cold but you asked for honest opinions.

This is very disturbing behaviour. He is not a parent to your children and doesn’t know what is best for them more than you do. Trust your instincts. Being alone is better than letting down your children.

Through life , remember, your children's well being should always come first: they are part of you , others will come and go through your life, but your children will always be in yours.

Your children will always be a part of you. Let’s protect the kids. Don’t make a decision that will brother you now and years up the road. Ask the person to leave. This will only get worse.

Ask him to leave. If he will not respect the way you want to raise your children then he needs to not be in their life. It’s just a matter of time before he starts trying to control you as well. Don’t let him.

It is time to tell him to move out. Your children are the most important thing. Your pets also do not deserve to be upset by this person. His behavior is abusive and you must put a stop to it.

Very toxic behavior.  
 
Read about gas lighting, the signs are there.

put any human before your kids. You are letting someone be abusive to your kids, pets and you and it will only get worse. Maybe find someone else and please dont think your kids 'need' a father figure as if it's not the right person it will backfire and you don't want your kids resenting you for loving the person more than them (thats how they will see it). If you allow somoene to treat your kids like that, then you need to listen to your mother instincts and brain and not see him through the hearts in your eyes. Please have him move out and end the relationship as his behavior wont change, and change the locks. Focus on your kids and you and show them they are the most important. If you have a male friend or two that they like that's fine. But a abusive boyfriend nope. Your kids gut instincts are warning you, trust them. The right guy for you wouldn't do this to you or your family or even think of it. And if the guy tries the tears and love you and whatever words he thinks will work on you so he can stay and gain control, plese dont believe him. This pandemic is hard enough on families, keep the toxic people out. Don't get caught up in the abusive crap, abusive people dont change and you will never come first in his life. Kids and your family first. Him out, change the locks and focus on you and your kids.

Everyone. I feel that this helps as our relationship has been difficult since moving in. To the point where I’m “seeking help” from counsellors and doctors for meds cuz I’m feeling(and he’s making me feel) like I’m the crazy person. He’s the only one with the opinions of how I’m raising my kids. I have NEVER been told my kids are bad or disrespectful, the complete opposite actually until my now bf! And no body feel sorry for the truth, truth hurts but it needs to be said!

I've been in abusive relationships and itll only get worse honey, you need to end the relationship or make him move out before it escalates... your children deserve a whole lot better.

Must leave before that nut bar takes it one step further!  
 
Edited by just the dude, 2021-01-23 16:52:58

what you just said it sounds like deep down you know this guy is wrong for you, and the fact that you are seeking help over his making you feel like you are the crazy one, makes me think he is also narsistic. Narsistic people are bad news as they will always put themselves and their delusional thinking first. Please read up on narsistic behavior.

You’re currently allowing someone to bully and emotionally abuse your child instead of protecting them. Your child should come first. Kick that man out now.

to your kids when he isn't around find out how they really feel and listen to them. They sometimes see things differently than we do as a parent. Let them know they aren't at fault and haven't done anything wrong.  
I don't want to see you lose your kids because of him, but as the other commentor mentioned you are letting them your kids,be abused....think really hard how that's wrong in a million ways. You have a chance to stop it and end it. I think this goes deeper than you are telling, and i just hope you get the strength to do the right thing for your kids and yourself. God forbid but how would you feel if he hurt one of them? Don't ever underestimate a abusive person. Get him out of your life before it gets way worse.  
 
Now that you have all this input from comments, how are you feeling and what do you think your next step is? Do you have family/friends who can support you on this ? Im not being mean or anything, I just want you and your kids/pets safe and for all of you to heal from whatever emotional damaged he has done. Life is hard enough at times and you can be a good parent without him. Don't feel guilty for standing up for your kids and yourself. I understand you might be scared, but still go through that scaredness and protect your kids. You only get them once.  
 
Edited by covidsux, 2021-01-23 19:42:12

No need to be a drill sergeant. Choose your children and your pets over this guy! There are always more guys out there your kids and pets can’t leave, but he should! Sorry they deserve better!

I agree with everyone else that says your BF needs to go (or serious changes)  
 
Another point I haven't read is how is you allowing your BF to treat your kids like this going to affect your relationship with them? Do you want them to grow up and distance themselves? hate you ect? over a man? really?  
 
You know this isnt right but you are allowing it to happen. There should not be a " how do I approach my BF" question. We all make mistakes but if you cant just say uh thats too far and have a discussion then why is he around? thats not a good relationship to model for your kids and its not good for you either. you are SCARED and seeking mental health help THINK ABOUT THAT PLEASE!!!  
 
I was the kid that had various other people in and out of the house. my opinion then and now is that the "new" family member is a support person, not the parent. Its a fine line but their input should only be in counseling the parent or enforcing moms rules not making their own. Changing the rules on the kids just because a new BF came in isnt going to make them respect him ect, they are going to end up hating him even if he has a point because its not his place to say how they act ect but the real problem is this guy is not ready to even think about that, GET HIM GONE before your kids run away, go down the wrong path ect  
 
alone is better then this im sure

The fire alarms stuff is straight up abusive. For your childrens sake please leave this man.  
The other stuff I would recommend family therapy for, but with the abusive behaviour I would not tolerate another minute of it.  
Best wishes to you and your kids.

Your partner sounds like a controlling, immature person. Who would use this way to wake up a child that also terrifies innocent pets? How awful. He'd be a goner. These are important years for them. They don't need that childish behaviour from some guy newer on the scene.

My ex husband was very abusive in these kind of ways. He was subtle at first but it escalated. He used to give my son the finger and weird stares. I feel it took me too long to kick him out. I pray my son doesn’t resent me for letting this stuff happen for so long. I also suggest you ask him to move out.

My kid comes first. I’d end it to be honest. Sorry. His behaviour sounds terrible. And it’s not like you haven’t talked about it already. This could ruin your relationship with your kids. They are at such a sensitive age.

If you can, and I’m sure you will, gather your thoughts and feelings, and you will do the right thing.  
 
Let your kids talk. Make extra time for them to talk, with you, in private. They love you. And they’ll love you even more for protecting them, because they can’t do it themselves.  
 
These are the things you KNOW he does to them....what does he do that you don’t see? That the kids can’t put in to words?  
 
 
 
You’ll do the right thing.  
We’re rooting for you, quietly.

I confronted him about the smoke detector he did say it was wrong and he was sorry but he didn’t see how this was abusive. That spiralled into a fight that he claims I’m always saying he’s being abusive. And that I’m really the abusive one cuz I yell and pick on him In front of the kids. He says I need to open my eyes and give my head a shake cuz the kids “running” the house. Yet my kids both respect me fully. Yes it takes me asking 1 million times sometimes but that’s what kids do and I keep finding I’m saying that line a lot! I just wish he would see that he isn’t perfect(and he is a great guy) but he has to let things go when it comes to my children.

You sound like a very abused person just by the way you are defending him "he's a nice guy"  
That's the effect an abusive man has on a woman.  
Get him out Now Don't justify. These types of "men" only change for the worse, and then it is too late.  
Took our daughter 25 years to start recovering. She still does not have a good relationship with her kids and grandkids !!!  
You were looking for advice ....... Take it and implement it Now.  
Have all of his stuff removed from your house and change to locks then get a court order that he not have contact with you and the kids.  
Don't even talk to him about it or even say "do you know what people are telling me."

These little boys pretending they are men , always have a way to turn the table and make you feel like you are the problem.  
They never change except to get worse. Our daughter's ex has been kicked out of several relationships since he was removed from her life.  
 
Phone the Women's Shelter because you will need their help and protection....

Gave you the pity statement - I'm wrong, I'm sorry line (forgive me...) Typical behaviour for controlling a partner.  
 
Then he's a victim (claims YOU'RE always saying he's abusive)  
Then shifts the blame to you - 'it's YOUR fault'. More typical red flag stuff.  
 
Google 'Gaslighting in a relationship' like someone else above mentioned. It sounds like separate and couples counselling is in order if you maintain he's such a great guy, but it sounds like he's got some issues.  
 
Doesn't sound so nice to me, personally. He should respect you and your children if he moved into your place. Sounds like he's blaming you for his faults. You deserve better.  
 
It's still early to get back to the way you and kids used to be without this added stress.

wouldnt be doing that to my kids I always going in to the room and ask them nicely morning time get ready for school bus and breakfast and my kids always have a say in things with in reason  
 
Edited by Brian, 2021-01-25 13:55:07

If he thinks youre abusive to maybe its best he leaves ? wouldnt want him abused /S  
 
He might not be as bad as we are picturing him here but remember that he doesnt have to be horrible for you to break up (or just move out) he can be just not right for you  
 
you can do this

people who posted comments after you wrote this are right. Also he is twisting things back onto you and then blaming your kids. Why would the kids listen when they are scared and angry that some bully jerk has come into their home? They shouldn't be told to do something a million times. Do you want them to resent you? You said 'he has to let things go when it comes to my children"....I dont think you are grasping the seriousness of this situation, you're hearing good advice from people who have been in your situation and other people with good judgement, and its like you aren't listening. Wake up the guy isn't a great guy if he is abusive. He even denies he is abusive when he is clearly abusive. For the last time, wake up, and get him OUT! If you can't do this for yourself and your kids then all the advice in the world isn't going to help until you decide to change things. Did you read up on narsistic people? Have you thought of a exit plan for him?