Discussions

So I have an 18 year old who has moved out on her own and I am having a hard time figuring out this new relationship we have. How involved am I to be in her new life? How do I go from knowing where she is at all times to not having any control. We have had a few arguments over what our roles are. I feel she should be able to include me on what is happening in her life and not get mad when I ask questions.

you have wanted to be treated if it was you who had moved out of your parents house?  
 
My take is that you have raised your baby bird and you have to let her fly off (while watching at a comfortable distance) trusting that you have done your job correctly. As hard as it may be...you have lost the control at this point.

Keep a respectful distance. Remember she's an adult and pick your battles when it comes to giving "advice". Let her make mistakes, and if she wants to go a week without talking to you, let her. She is finding her feet as a grown-up, and part of that is figuring out how much she wants to see you. Let her set the limits. Hounding her for info about her daily life will only cause her to disconnect further.  
 
You will find a balance and get used to it. Hang in there!

I went through this last year. What I found worked, was being honest. "This is hard for me. This letting go thing is hard. Please be patient with me and help me with baby steps. Send me a text once in a while. Call once in a while. Stop in every couple of weeks to say hello. Allow me to slowly let go!"  
 
As for advice, I ask first. "Do you want my advice on this situation?" If the answer is no, I shut up and complain to my husband about how our kid is screwing it up! lol  
 
It gets easier. I promise.  
 
I still have one "rule". When you leave my home (we moved to a small town outside Brandon), please call or text when you get home. This is not a control thing, but a respect thing. Respect that I love you and want to know you got home safely. I still do it with my parents and I'm in my 40's!  
 
(((hugs))) You can do this!

I've been on my own for 3 years now. The first couple weeks I moved out of my mom's house, I admittedly cried almost every day lol. We talked almost every day and I went home to visit a few times a week for the first few months. As time went on, I stopped needing too. I still miss my mom if we don't talk for a while but I don't feel the need to talk to her everyday or see her all the time. Sometimes we go a week without talking at all. Life gets busy, I now have a child of my own but I know she's only a phone call away if I need her. I do see her once a week though and we update each other on life we haven't talked that week. I know it was hard on my mom when I moved out, it was hard on both of us. But now, I see that she is proud of me for doing so well on my own and that makes me proud. She was there when I really needed it in that adjustment period and then she didn't cross boundaries when she knew I was comfortable enough to let go.

I would suggest maybe meeting once a week to regroup, talk and update each other on what's going on. That's what my Mom and I do. I would never update my mom on every little thing that happens during my day, and where I go and who I'm with. Rather that, we hang out once a week and play catch up and hang out.

The adjustment for me when my daughter moved out was big because not only did she move out of my home, she moved to BC! It was extremely hard for me to adapt to living alone (I'm single) when I was so used to having her be a part of my every day. It was an adjustment for her as well and she questioned her decision a couple of times but all in all she's happy out there and is learning how to be an adult. She is a very level headed young woman and I trust that she will make the right decisions for her. She's spreading her wings and starting university next month. It's given me the opportunity to spread my wings too and begin a life that still very much involves her but isn't revolved around her.

Is she paying for her own living expenses? If she is, then you don't have any right to question where she is or what she's doing. You try pushing into her life and she'll likely cut you out more. If you're covering her living expenses then you likely should have established some ground rules.

maybe its just how you said it but part of the issue maybe was at 18 before she moved out you still knew and were involved in her every move when you should have been preparing yourself and her for her independence but thats cant be redone now and it will depend on different peoples personalities so find out how she feels about things and discuss how your feeling with her, come up with a plan, supper sundays and phone calls or texts once a week maybe and remember shes and adult now, you did ok when you were her age even with a few mistakes im sure and im sure she will be the same

And I still call my parents everyday to see how they are doing. I still visit them at least once a week as well. I honestly don't think I've gone a day without talking to my parents. I only have one set of parents and sometimes life is short. As they get older, I will be there for them more too.

And I don't talk to my parents they hate me

I would think once the child moves out the parent needs to back off and give the adult child space. Let them come to you. If you push for their attention too hard it will drive a wedge between you both. There is nothing wrong with letting them know you are there any time but want to respect their new found independence.  
If the relationship is not healthy then I suggest parent leave well enough alone.