Discussions

questioneverything said "I'm just wondering what people think of someone having a close relationship with their ex while in a new relationship.     Do you think it's okay to be "friends" with an ex and allow them to vent to you and call you about their problems and get advice, especially while you are in a relationship with someone new?     (When it bothers your new significant other)     Thanks in advanced for your input! "

I think unless you have children together there is no need to be friends with an ex. You could be civil or friendly if you happen to see each other but there is a reason why your exs.  
 
Especially if it bothers your significant other. If I was in that kind of relationship than I'd be worried there are still feelings there.  
 
I have tried to be friends with an ex and it was a bad idea.

ex's should be able to have a close/civil relationship, especially if children are involved. Even if there are no children it is nice to be civil....maybe they just make better friends than lovers. Why prolong hate if you don't have to.

questioneverything said "    Brenda said "ex's should be able to have a close/civil relationship, especially if children are involved. Even if there are no children it is nice to be civil....maybe they just make better friends than lovers. Why prolong hate if you don't have to. " I understand people have to communicate for their child's sake I just don't see why it has to involve other things and situations, thats what bothers me. I also don't believe they have to dislike each other or not be civil it would just be nice if your relationship didn't feel like a 3 way. "

I guess I am just not the jealous type so it would not bother me.  
 
A friend of mine who is divorced and remarried has her ex stay over when he comes to town on business.

If children are involved, I think they should most certainly have a civil friendship in regards to things that concern the children.  
 
Personally, even if there are kids involved.. I don't think it's really appropriate to be consulting with the ex about personal problems or seeking advice. Isn't that what the new partner should be there for?  
 
I don't think it would be entirely a jealousy thing, but it definitely be an eyebrow raiser for me if my boyfriend's ex girlfriend was texting/calling him to vent. Catching up if they happen to see each other out and about would be fine by me! She is a nice girl and her nor my boyfriend have bad things to say about her, but there are still boundaries.  
 
I'm only 24 - so maybe I haven't met that age of maturity of others who have posted... but all in all, I would be annoyed!!  

If there are children involved then I believe it's definitely beneficial to be civil and even have a friendship with your ex. But I still believe in boundaries. Personal problems **unless involving some sort of major financial issue or something regarding the child(ren)** seems inappropriate. You should confide in your (new) partner and not your ex. If it still seems like they're in a relationship without the intimacy.. That's a huge problem. This goes for with/without children involved. You shouldn't take a back burner to the mother/father of his/her child irregardless. Kids come first, you come second and they would fall wherever they lay afterwards. It depends on what you deem crossing the line I suppose. Although dating someone with children and "strings attached" (ex. Ex partner) is never easy and not for everyone and there is nothing wrong with that.

It's not healthy, and it's disrespectful to the new partner.  
 
As for the woman whose ex stays over...I suppose that she and her ex also take long bubble baths together...but it's alright because they're just platonic baths, and they turn off the lights so neither one sees anything inappropriate.  
 

Blue_Guru said "It's not healthy, and it's disrespectful to the new partner.     As for the woman whose ex stays over...I suppose that she and her ex also take long bubble baths together...but it's alright because they're just platonic baths, and they turn off the lights so neither one sees anything inappropriate.     "

I doubt they have bubble baths together, I am guessing Brenda is talking about a situation where the new partner is not in the least jealous of the ex.  
 
I know people like this, usually it will take some time, but once everyone is truly over the relationship and there is no feeling of resentment, jealousy or wanting to get back together from either side then mature adults can often have a normal friendship with an ex.  
 
Maturity is required though, and it's not for everyone.

If you start a relationship with someone, and it turns out that person is friends with their ex, and if it bothers you then end the relationship. The person isn't likely to 'unfriend' their ex at this point. If you have been in a relationship for a long time and the other person has been friends with their ex all this time, it isn't fair to make an issue of it now.  
For some people this would be a big deal, for others it wouldn't. There is no right or wrong answer!  
I was friends with my ex, babysat his dogs, gave advice when asked, went to his mom's funeral (and met his previous ex there too). My boyfriend (now husband) understood this from the beginning, and was secure and confident enough in our relationship to understand that it would never be an issue.

I think it is ok. Even if there are no children involved. If I am friends with my ex, no boundaries are crossed, and I'm faithful to my new partner, then I see no problem. I would however be taking a long hard look at my new relationship. I'm not sure how comfortable I would be with someone wanting/needing to dictate who I should be friends with.

Like another poster said, they are ex's for a reason. That being said, there is one girl I work with who adopted a dog (purebred, so very expensive but also came with lots of medical problems). The two of them decided mutually they were better off friends than lovers, but were unwilling to give up the animal (because of the cost put into it). She is currently in a relationship with someone else and has joint custody of the dog. To me, that would be a no-no. But some people can do it.

and no!!! Especially if there are children involved, the whole being cordial is fine, but being a friend and such and laughing and confiding and basically having a relationship is so unhealthy for the children. The one thing children want more than anything when there parents split up, separate or divorce is for their parents to get back together. This is very unhealthy for the children and believe it or not will leave psychological scars on them into their adult lives.  
Its simple, you have an issue with the kids, you talk on the phone about it when the kids aren't around, if you are exchanging the children for you regular visits, you say hi, how are ya, get the kids in the vehicle, and say see ya on the specified times that are set out to have the kids back to the other parent.  
Being in a new relationship isn't just about you and your new partner, its about the well being of the childrens mental health.  
and to the lady that has her ex spend the night!!!! If you have kids and he's sleeping over, Lady you are one selfish woman, and shame on the father also!!!  
Its all a matter of common sense, and from what ive read in these posts, some people are on the ball and have the right idea, for the rest, it has nothing to do woth jealousy, it has to do with respect for the childrens well being.

Tamara79 said "I think it is ok. Even if there are no children involved. If I am friends with my ex, no boundaries are crossed, and I'm faithful to my new partner, then I see no problem. I would however be taking a long hard look at my new relationship. I'm not sure how comfortable I would be with someone wanting/needing to dictate who I should be friends with. "

I agree your comment. It's all over with ex so what is the big issue and some are actually more friends after divorce than before but never get back together because they know is all over. It is not all that have or put hate after ending a relationship. Don't need to show kids hate after is over.  
If kids know all is over between the parents and plus why not show to kids civilization still exist between people no need put one down to the ground.

questioneverything said "I'm just wondering what people think of someone having a close relationship with their ex while in a new relationship.     Do you think it's okay to be "friends" with an ex and allow them to vent to you and call you about their problems and get advice, especially while you are in a relationship with someone new?     (When it bothers your new significant other)     Thanks in advanced for your input! "

where everyone is comfortable. If there are kids involved, you should be on good terms with your ex. Even when the kids grow up, there will be major life events, such as weddings, kids moving into their own homes, graduations, etc and speaking from experience, it is so much easier if you can all be in the same place at the same time(including your new significant other.)  
 
If the amount or type of contact with your ex is bothering your new SO, then I suggest that you discuss it openly with each of them, but separately, and then find a happy medium for the level of contact. If your ex can get needed help and advice from someone else, s/he should do that. But if there sometimes is a serious problem and there is no one else to help, then why not do so? But your new SO needs to be able to trust that the reason behind the contact with your ex is to help out another human being, and if there are kids, to be on good terms for their sake, rather than any sort of romantic interest.

Thanks Blue Guru that gave me a long giggle. Seriously ex partners should not need to talk about anything but the children.Anything else is a hankering to be with that ex. Hate is another issue some would say it is closely related to Love.  
From personal experience, there are cases where a civil working relationship with an ex cannot be allowed if that ex is a manipulative devils disciple.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being friends with an ex. Why are people so closed off and automatically assume it's not healthy... It is healthy to be friends with an ex if you can establish a friendship then great!! When there's kids involved then it's healthy for them too. I'm friends with my ex. We make better friends than marital partners. He's known me for 20 + years . We aren't bitter we aren't angry we're just friends and I'm grateful for his friendship.

i think it all depends on the person, if the ex isnt evil i see no reason why you couldnt be friends, i have a few exs who are friends, even close friends, and a few i have no desire to remain in contact with.  
 
If the relationship is over I know it and they know it then there should be no jealousy for a new partner unless there is something still there or the new partner suspects that is the case, in that situation then the new partner would have a right to want boundaries but honestly you cant make someone love you so you would either have to choose to be ok with it or choose to leave (after talking it out with them first of course)  
 
as for confusing the kids, that is absurd lol, nothing wrong with kids watching healthy relationships thrive even with exs, if parents cant model a good marriage they can at least model a good friendship i see no harm done, only a good way to show how to get over and on with life

Acquaintances sure, but friendships well if I was carrying on a friendship with an ex, like private conversation, confiding, spending time together, etc,(friend stuff) I think my wife would wonder what this women still has to offer that she doesn't, like why do I need this woman from my past in my life still? What am I getting from it that I'm not getting from my wife? She might wonder why her companionship isn't enough?  
I wouldnt call that jealousy, I would call it logical questioning.  
 
I think once you've met the right person the question would change from IF you can be friends with an ex to WHY would you bother with it at all(assuming no kids).

Enfyre said "Acquaintances sure, but friendships well if I was carrying on a friendship with an ex, like private conversation, confiding, spending time together, etc,(friend stuff) I think my wife would wonder what this women still has to offer that she doesn't, like why do I need this woman from my past in my life still? What am I getting from it that I'm not getting from my wife? She might wonder why her companionship isn't enough?   I wouldnt call that jealousy, I would call it logical questioning.     I think once you've met the right person the question would change from IF you can be friends with an ex to WHY would you bother with it at all(assuming no kids). "

Companionship is a different story but the op said talking on the phone. He didn't say spending time together as companions. Why would a person look outside of their relationship for another persons companionship?

TallCoolOne said "    Enfyre said "Acquaintances sure, but friendships well if I was carrying on a friendship with an ex, like private conversation, confiding, spending time together, etc,(friend stuff) I think my wife would wonder what this women still has to offer that she doesn't, like why do I need this woman from my past in my life still? What am I getting from it that I'm not getting from my wife? She might wonder why her companionship isn't enough?   I wouldnt call that jealousy, I would call it logical questioning.     I think once you've met the right person the question would change from IF you can be friends with an ex to WHY would you bother with it at all(assuming no kids). " Companionship is a different story but the op said talking on the phone. He didn't say spending time together as companions. Why would a person look outside of their relationship for another persons companionship? "

I was just kind of responding in general, and assuming friends spent time together, but fair enough, not all do.  
But is companionship just limited to being together in person, or could companionship be had in other ways as well, electronically for example?

questioneverything said "    questioneverything said "They do spend time together and privately talk. Yes kids are involved but why does a relationship venture further then their child. If you split up with a person there is a reason for that, I find it bizarre to call each other and vent about things or share current relationship problems when you meet up especially when in this case the ex does still has feelings for the one who is now in a relationship. " Also the one in the new relationship has been with this new person for a year now and brings the ex up when there out and about, like how'd shed never do that or how they used to do this or the time she did that when they were doing this yada, yada. It almost ruins spending time with the person because all there doing is remembing their past relationship while your trying to enjoy the memories your making with the new person you love. Whether it be good or bad memories it is still bothersome to hear when your trying to enjoy a significant others company. "

He has zero regard for your feelings or doesn't realize it hurts you. I would have a conversation with this person. Have you shared how this makes you feel? I feel you can have a healthy friendship with an ex but there has to be respectful boundaries. Venting to an ex about your current relationship exceeds those boundaries. Talking to your current s.o about your ex how she did this or that I feel is disrespectful and it's no wonder it bothers you.

if you can be friends after you split and you have children together then why the heck couldn't you make your relationship work? The kids are always the ones who suffer most in a breakup, so there is merit in "staying together for the kids". Remember... they didn't create the mess... you did!

If it involves children, then yes, anything and everything can be discussed, and the ex's should try their best to be civil towards each other. Show your kids that just because you weren't meant to stay married doesn't mean that you can't act like respectful adults and raise the children that you decided to have together in the first place.  
 
If there is no children involved, then there is really no need to be best friends who talk about everything. Being able to be around each other in social situations and be friendly and civil is just fine though. If you choose to not want anything to do with them ever again, that is fine too.  
 
I am always friendly and civil to any of my ex's when I see them in public. My husband is also the same towards them. We do not go out of our way to socialize with them, but it does happen, and there is no reason to not act like adults. My husband does not feel the same about a couple of his ex girlfreind's, and chooses that he wants absolutely nothing to do with them. That is fine too.

Totes inappropes.  
Posted by Blue_Guru, 11/18/2015 9:35:29 PM  
It's not healthy, and it's disrespectful to the new partner.  
 
 
As for the woman whose ex stays over...I suppose that she and her ex also take long bubble baths together...but it's alright because they're just platonic baths, and they turn off the lights so neither one sees anything inappropriate. .....someone is seriously insecure!  
 
My stepson lives with my husband and I. His mom lives 4000 miles away. She came to stay with us in our home for three weeks when my stepson graduated. No problems. And her and my husband were not taking bubble baths together!