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My boyfriend has lost hope about getting his kids.. his ex is an unstable mother he has contacted cfs and seems like they are on her side about things. She got sole custody of them due to some personal issues with the father at the time.. he has tried fighting for them but he cant get legal aid he makes to much money but between child support rent and bills he doesnt have the money to thrown down for a good lawyer.. does anybody know how else we can go about this issue.. no rude comments please

really isn't any other option but to secure a lawyer to represent him as he doesn't qualify for legal aid. I am not sure what other options you were hoping to find out about?

My only advice is to call around to different lawyer offices and see if they have payment options. This is what was advised to me by legal aid when they denied my agreement to pay. (I made too much money but if they could find a lawyer they'd do a cheaper payment plan option. Unfortunately, the lawyers they contacted said no.)

Have your bf txt me or message me. I’m not a lawyer but have gone through this.

It seems like the mother got sole custody because of some real issues. Why is your boyfriend now trying to get custody? If CFS feels that she is the more stable or more appropriate primary custodian of the children, your boyfriend might not have much hopes of getting custody, but that doesn't mean he can't have meaningful visitation and a good relationship with them.  
 
Why would you want to spend money on lawyers instead of maybe on mediation or counselling or family therapy? It seems like the approach that you're taking is against the mother instead of the best interests of the children. There are free and low-cost counselling options out there.  
 
I'm not trying to be rude, either, but when there are opinions that the other parent is unstable yet has sole custody and CFS seems to support her, this is a red flag to me.

Tater said "It seems like the mother got sole custody because of some real issues. Why is your boyfriend now trying to get custody? If CFS feels that she is the more stable or more appropriate primary custodian of the children, your boyfriend might not have much hopes of getting custody, but that doesn't mean he can't have meaningful visitation and a good relationship with them.     Why would you want to spend money on lawyers instead of maybe on mediation or counselling or family therapy? It seems like the approach that you're taking is against the mother instead of the best interests of the children. There are free and low-cost counselling options out there.     I'm not trying to be rude, either, but when there are opinions that the other parent is unstable yet has sole custody and CFS seems to support her, this is a red flag to me. "

Don't know how much you know about CFS but they always support the mother. Back in the day when I went for custody we both had drug issues. I completed rehab, found stable place to live, full time job, childcare, parenting classes, etc. Mother didn't do a thing. No place to live, no job, no rehab, no parenting classes (we both had a list from the courts to complete) and yet in court she said she was the mother and that was enough of a right to have full custody. Even CFS sat there and still said that they fully supported the mother and felt she was still the right choice to have custody of our kid. I paid heavy for my lawyer and thank God because she was a female lawyer and tore a strip off the judge and CFS. CFS admitted that it was policy to always favor the mother. Really doubt that has changed much over the years. Best at this time is to fight for visitation, document everything! Try and be involved with everything you can.

CFS doesn’t always support the mother, that’s false. As for the back story behind this. It’s easy to say someone had “personal issues” back then but who’s to say those issues wouldn’t affect the child’s safety.  
 
There’s always more to a story then people put out there.

Fishin Guy said "    Tater said "It seems like the mother got sole custody because of some real issues. Why is your boyfriend now trying to get custody? If CFS feels that she is the more stable or more appropriate primary custodian of the children, your boyfriend might not have much hopes of getting custody, but that doesn't mean he can't have meaningful visitation and a good relationship with them.     Why would you want to spend money on lawyers instead of maybe on mediation or counselling or family therapy? It seems like the approach that you're taking is against the mother instead of the best interests of the children. There are free and low-cost counselling options out there.     I'm not trying to be rude, either, but when there are opinions that the other parent is unstable yet has sole custody and CFS seems to support her, this is a red flag to me. " Don't know how much you know about CFS but they always support the mother. Back in the day when I went for custody we both had drug issues. I completed rehab, found stable place to live, full time job, childcare, parenting classes, etc. Mother didn't do a thing. No place to live, no job, no rehab, no parenting classes (we both had a list from the courts to complete) and yet in court she said she was the mother and that was enough of a right to have full custody. Even CFS sat there and still said that they fully supported the mother and felt she was still the right choice to have custody of our kid. I paid heavy for my lawyer and thank God because she was a female lawyer and tore a strip off the judge and CFS. CFS admitted that it was policy to always favor the mother. Really doubt that has changed much over the years. Best at this time is to fight for visitation, document everything! Try and be involved with everything you can. "

have yet to see the policy in the CFS act or their mandate that actually says "always favour the mother"....that is simply untrue and misinformation.

Oryx said "    Fishin Guy said "    Tater said "It seems like the mother got sole custody because of some real issues. Why is your boyfriend now trying to get custody? If CFS feels that she is the more stable or more appropriate primary custodian of the children, your boyfriend might not have much hopes of getting custody, but that doesn't mean he can't have meaningful visitation and a good relationship with them.     Why would you want to spend money on lawyers instead of maybe on mediation or counselling or family therapy? It seems like the approach that you're taking is against the mother instead of the best interests of the children. There are free and low-cost counselling options out there.     I'm not trying to be rude, either, but when there are opinions that the other parent is unstable yet has sole custody and CFS seems to support her, this is a red flag to me. " Don't know how much you know about CFS but they always support the mother. Back in the day when I went for custody we both had drug issues. I completed rehab, found stable place to live, full time job, childcare, parenting classes, etc. Mother didn't do a thing. No place to live, no job, no rehab, no parenting classes (we both had a list from the courts to complete) and yet in court she said she was the mother and that was enough of a right to have full custody. Even CFS sat there and still said that they fully supported the mother and felt she was still the right choice to have custody of our kid. I paid heavy for my lawyer and thank God because she was a female lawyer and tore a strip off the judge and CFS. CFS admitted that it was policy to always favor the mother. Really doubt that has changed much over the years. Best at this time is to fight for visitation, document everything! Try and be involved with everything you can. " have yet to see the policy in the CFS act or their mandate that actually says "always favour the mother"....that is simply untrue and misinformation. "

May not be no hard policy but that was what CFS said in court (and with the many binders of court trans:cripts I won't look for it either so call me a liar or whatever). They had some crap excuse of how the mother tends to have the strongest bond with the child and all this blah blah blah crap and how it would affect the child taking that away and it is in their opinion that the child should stay with a mother and work things out together. Even had to get the Children's Advocate involved to work in my favor.  
 
I would put money on it that when parents go to court and CFS involved, if the father had a place for the child, a way to provide for them, way to provide child care, etc, how many times would fathers get any sort of custody?

Maybe you're not hearing the entire truth from the boyfriend. It's quite common. As someone in the field I know this first hand. Sit down and let him deal with the process. As his "girlfriend" you've got no business getting worked up and involving yourself IF you weren't there when these things were put in place.

FishinGuy...how many years ago are you talking about? I fairly certain times have changed and the best interests of the child is where the safety planning begins. Please do some research before giving decade old opinions about the system.

I’ll back up fishing guy all day long.  
My horrible court and CFS experience was absolutely horrible.  
They 100% lean towards the mom. I’m my case I’m a nine drinker smoker drug user and have a house and great paying job. They both leaned towards her from the beginning. I took years to get 50/50 care and control. CFS and the courts both said to my face the common practice is to supports and lean towards the mother. So maybe you should check your own facts before telling someone else to!!!  
Our courts are still stuck in the 50’s.  
Decades old age of thinking..... give me a break.

And I use the term mother loosely. She drank smokes did drugs showed up to kids games smelling of booze.... worst person in the world. But with courts and CFS looking the other way and not listening to my concerns she got away with it. The courts are a joke and need a kick in the pants and taught that fathers can be great providers and care givers for their children. Time for the sexism to stop. Ridiculous

It’s plain common sense that a lot of safety factors would be taken into consideration - the ones you mentioned, James, as well as domestic violence history (with both females and males), mental health, etc. There’s three sides to every story and there’s a good chance the whole story from this thread isn’t being shared, as well as what other factors were involved in your case. I know of some males who have won custody through the courts so my post for FishingGuy to do some research was for him to look up some updated stats.

Having children and deciding to leave instead of resolving issues costs. Feel bad for the kids.

I don't know why a response was saying this lady's boyfriend should fight for visitation, the mother having sole custody does not neccessarily mean the father doesn't have visitation.  
 
As for favouring mothers, bs. When my ex and I separated 8 years ago the default of the courts was joint custody.  
 
Encouraging parents to "fight" over kids, to "fight" with their ex, etc are high-conflict behaviours and seldom are people thinking clearly about what's best for the children when they get caught up fighting with exes, courts, etc. Encourage adults in your life to try to get along with exes/ coparents/ etc. rather than encouraging conflict. The mother of the children in this story is always going to be the mother of your boyfriend's children, and if you plan on being around and you care about him or the kids you would do better to encourage everyone to get along.

My thoughts exactly. Seems they're trying to focus on bad mouthing the mother. By the first statement being she's "unstable" chances are you don't know her and have only heard things from the man that she chose not to be with regardless of having children together. It's not your place.

What exactly is he “fighting for”? Does he have visitation? Does he want more? Does he want sole custody now?  
 
I am a firm believer that no parent should ever receive sole custody unless there is a serious issue. What is the reason behind the mother getting sole custody to start with?  
 
One very important thing for split parents and their new significant others to remember is that you CANNOT control what goes on in the other persons household. If the children are in danger then yes by all means contact the police/CFS etc but by stating she is unstable is more of a matter of opinion on your part/boyfriends part.  
 
The best thing to do is to make the best of the time with the kids that you have when you have them. If the issue is no visitation then by all means take the matter to court and get visitation. Parents can change and deserve a relationship with their children. Any court will see that.  
 
That being said as a child of divorce and as a spouse of a divorced man I will say the courts to very much lean in the mothers favour. What dad needs to do is to get as much visitation as possible and to create a fun and positive environment for when he is with the children. One day they will know the truth and will make their own choices.

I'm confused. is this really about custody or child support payments or visitation. he only needs to fight the custody to reduce his child support. Is that the issue? Does he have history of the times he tried to see the children and spend time with them that was appropriate but denied. 1st step will be mediation and you will have to pay for that. custody you will have to go to court. I'm betting he just doesn't like the cost of having kids, no wait he doesn't like the court rate for kids... can you please clarify. what things has he done while she has had custody to show he has been interested in their lives.

has been thru this as well and I feel for you. With CFS, all they care about is if the children have a shingle over their head, a carrot in their mouth and a cloth over their rears. Literally!!! My husband is the best Dad and we both generated a good income so when we got together, we bought a nice home by a school, etc etc to make a good home for his kids. His ex had no job, no home, nothing, only lived off my ex and whoever else or whatever organization she could get something from, but it was in the best interest of the kids to stay with the Mom!! We tried for custody but had a social worker appointed by the court (who I was afraid to be left alone with him during an interview)and he came and viewed our premises but still they sided with the Mom. We had reports of incidences that had happened. We had receipts for all the clothes we had to buy so the kids would be warm in winter, etc. We fought this until we were blue in the face. We always had visitation but the fact remained that the kids were not better off with the mother as she could not provide!! We had to call CFS a few times about the mother. But, I know other situations where the fathers are getting more rights. Every situation is different and each HAS to be investigated thoroughly but CFS do not know how to do that properly. It really is a sad situation.

still waiting to hear from the OP. Has the OP found the advice she was looking for? Just curious.

Yep no follow up from OP.

For those who said i dont know the mother i actually do know her.. very well actually but i dont need to explain that. He sees his kids every weekend be can. But she is a flight risk which means he is out of work for a week or how ever long she decides to stay away for with no notice of leaving. Im not saying he doesnt love that time with his children he does 100% but something needs to be set in place.. mediation has been tried did not work unfortunatly

to quit using the children as a pond in order to punish their mother. A Judge has made a decision in regards to custody of the children, based on the information provided. Accept the Courts Decision and move on - you can hire another lawyer, but the end result will be the same as very few Judges will over turn an order of Custody made by the trial Judge. My advice - pay your child support payments as scheduled, enjoy your children during their visits and offer their mother emotional support when it comes to the health, safety and welfare of your children. Don't antagonize the childrens mother with petty BS and accusations as it will get you nowhere. Your children are of no concern to your girlfriend so tell her to back off.

Very well said, and accurate.  
 
A few years back, I was assisting an acquaintance with a situation, although not the same, similar parameters. An agreed to decision, signed off by both parties, well, the other party wanted to re-open the agreement.  
 
The judge ripped into the other lawyer saying "If there were millions of dollars or an constitutional issue, yes, assigned agreement, NO!". The other lawyer said "There are issues ..." and the judge cut him off with "Your client should have issues with YOU!".

With the lack of information as to what the "personal issues" of the father were that caused the mother to have sole custody, or whether there is reasonable visitation and access, there's not much to comment here.  
 
Note to Madison re: CFS only cares if you have the minimum- Maybe you need to realize that having money can't compete with a loving relationship. And if your husband's ex doesn't have a job etc is it really YOUR business to criticize? Do you think that having a lot of money and a nice house means your husband is a better parent than their mother?? Your values are screwed up if that's the case.

you are not bad mouthing the mother to her children? That is one of the worsts things you can do to a child.  
 
Also, how long have you been with this boyfriend? Does he know you have posted on here?  
 
Definitely not enough information on the father....sure is lots on the mother.

CFS policy is rarely the problem. It is their propensity to adopt arbitrary, asinine positions, even supporting demonstrably abusive parents, altering documents, and lying in court to disadvantage the non- abusive parent. . . . In my (professional) experience. In other words, CFS is a gamble. You can’t count on them. Good for you if your mileage with them varies. I’m not saying they are all bad. I’d say, at best, it’s a random crap shoot, and you can’t count on them.  
 
But to the point. A custody battle will cost something running in the tens of thousandsof dollars. Obviously that’s a non-starter, so what are the other options? Make a decision whether you have enough access to them to make staying around worthwhile.  
 
If so, consider moving close to their school. . . Better yet, on their route home. Makes it convenient for them to drop in, and convenient and useful for the ex for them to stay at times. A gradual, natural shift in access time can sometimes unfold over time. Might have better luck positioning yourself for it than fighting the ex in court. I’m talking as if addressing your partner. Hope I was clear.  
 
Edited by BrentonCrowhurst, 2017-12-14 21:49:07

Perhaps the ex is unstable because your boyfriend is choosing to be combative rather than collaborating with her to meet the children's needs?  
 
Children are not posessions. Attempting to "get custody" after custody has already been established, rather than playing your role as the supportive parent with access, causes the children to live in a conflicted, rather than a supportive atmosphere.  
 
You ex has no understanding of what a child's emotional needs are and this is why cfs has not ripped them away from the their mother, whose stability is only being disrupted by your combative, rather than co-operative approach.  
 
If your partner is fully paid on child support, shows up on time for any and all access, does not make excuses as to why he can not pick them up when he is supposed to, does not hide income, and is involved to the full extent that access allows him to be, there should be no reason that the children's lives are unstable. Finances and calm routine from your end is far more powerful and influential than you realize.  
 
What have you done to contribute to these children's stability? Are you showing up to their events, saving for their college education, ensuring that they have a safe vehicle to attend their sports in? The court room is not the only path to being a decent human being. Being a parent is the actions and decisions you make towards your child daily, in your care or not.  
 
You can no longer use a court oder as an excuse once the children have surpassed you in real-life responsibility. At some point it's time to shut-up and show up. Show the children with your actions who you are.

That sounds like a whole lot of first hand knowledge.