Discussions

Here goes.  
 
Depression, how can we possibly define it? Is it the feeling of feeling sad? Or perhaps its that one sad situation that plays in your mind over and over agian, until you finally break down and cry... Yes, you can use those situations sure.. But really what goes through your mind when your depressed? What does it do to your soul, your inner self? I think I have figured it out.  
 
Clinical depression is an imbalance of chemicals in your brain, we all know that.. Depression hits millions of people worldwide, some have been cured, some have not, the story goes on.  
 
I have been a pretty avid writer since I was about ten years old. I have written about everything, feelings, short stories, you name it. So I can contibute my insight to this artical to all my years of writing, and creative thought, however I do not consider myself a guru by any means, this is all personal insight, I digress  
 
I'm currently going through my depression stage in my life, though it feels more of an eternity. However, in my strife, I have recorded all the things depression actually does to the human psychoanaylasis (Forgive my spelling)for me anyway. My niece Charlie was born September 9th, 2009. I only got to see her for about two weeks before heading overseas, and when I came home she was already about 8 months. This is where the depression kicks in, for when I see Charlie smile at me, I feel nothing. I feel so sense of warmth or comfort, no sense of happiness or bliss, absolutly nothing. Now, as a uncle, I am completely and throughly obligated to make sure my niece knows her Uncle loves her, and makes him happy. The feelings as much as I want them to be there, elude me, and quite frankly thats the scariest thing you can feel. Imagine being in a movie theatre at a really sad movie. Now imagine everyone crying at the really sad part... Now imagine having to force yourself to cry to fit in... Emotional absence thy name is depression.  
 
Now im not saying I have no feelings whatsoever, for I'd be lying, or superman either one. My primary physical urges still exist of course, hunger, thirst, ect. However it feels as if my emotional conscience has run for the hills, quite the scene. I started noticing I was in trouble when I stopped caring what people thought of me. Not that I ever really held that public image in a high regard, but I still cared nonetheless, my story continues.  
 
The more I stopped caring what people thought, the more I stopped caring about the consquences that resulted in what I said. Ever get that feeling after you said something really nasty you get that awkward feeling, like, "Oops, I can't believe that just happend?" Well I lost that, I turned into for a lack of a better word, a jerk. The old Justin was never a jerk, not too anyone.  
 
Depression in hindsight numbs you.. It takes your concious, your self esteem, everything. The only thing cronic depression leaves you, is your empty shell of a body, just living through the day out of nessesity. You become a robot, computing your daily activities, one after another... It sucks.  
 
I dont know if these scenario's are true depression factors, but I have noticed them in my ventures. In my experience these aspects were too large too just be growing pains. As you grow you mature, and that I understand fully, but you dont loose who you are in the process, not your inner self anyway, and in my honest clear oppion, depression robs you of just that.  
 
That made me feel alot better... Anyone else have any thoughts?  
 
Justin.