Discussions

I'm very unhappy with my marriage. I've dedicated the last 8 years or so on making sure my partner had everything and was happy, which in turn has caused me to be miserable. It's only been in the last few months that this has really hit me. Now I think I've hit the end and now want out. Im not sure where to go or what to do. I'm not sure how to go about this and there are children involved. It's not that I don't love my partner, but I'm simply not happy. Any advise or recommendations are appreciated! Thx  

First of all, there was a reason you got married, and if you are not happy, you need to sit down ask yourself why you're not happy and what you need to do to fix it. If you think ending your relationship will make you happy, then think again, cos in a couple of years, you're gonna want to be happy again, then you'll have to end your new relationship. Talk to your partner about how you feel and try counseling. To be happy is a choice. Wish you the best.

For the sake of yourself, him, kids, life, don't rush to divorce. He deserves the chance to hear you first. Is he happy? Discuss your feelings, get help, read books related to this. If this is a recent realization then jumping to anything is a bad idea.

I've learned, doing everything for someone doesn't necessarily make them happy. Sometimes it's not the love they need, maybe he feels smothered, parented etc and there is a different happy medium that satisfies you both.

I am divorced, the grass isn't always greener on the otherside. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Makes you think it is her that is unhappy, men also become unhappy as well.

So the op never said she was a female, so I guess ppl are just assuming that the lady in the relationship are always unhappy?

will not likely last if one or the other has poor focus  
or a mental illness, like depression (unhappiness).  
The marriage requires both to pull together.  
Talk about problem solving, without blaming the other.  
Take charge of your own issues. You must become responsible  
for your own happiness, and enjoy that aspect of your life.  
Take care of number one. Problems just simply get solved.

I was exactly in your shoes. I left. Then I regretted. I ended up going to counselling by myself. I came to the realization that my marriage was all about my spouse and making them happy. I also learned that this was mostly my fault.  
 
I was a people pleaser. I wanted to make my spouse happy, so I gave and I gave and I gave. And then I resented it?!?!  
 
So....I started talking and expressing what I needed. My spouse had no idea that this is what I wanted or needed because I never expressed it.  
 
That was 18 years ago and we are still together. And we are BOTH happy. It was a long road, but we were committed to saving.  
 
I say, do counselling on your own and find out what your issues are and if you really want to leave or you just really want to be acknowledged. THEN. If you want to stay, do couples counselling.  
 
(((hugs)))

Happiness is a choice, not something that just happens to us.

I agree  
Go for counseling - make sure that you fully understand why you are not happy, before you make a decision.  
Once you get some things figured out, involve your partner in the decision.  
Don't make hasty decisions - talk to a professional - it will really help you - don't under-estimate this.  
 
And then, don't blind-side your partner - involve them in this. You are married, you have kids, this just isn't only about you.  
 
Finally, deal with your life - figure out what you want, where you want to be - if you leave, there will be a lot more losses than you think. Like someone said, the grass is the same color on both sides of the fence.  
 
Dinah's advice is awesome. Try it.  
Sure, some couples are not meant to be together. But a lot of them can be saved, if they really start talking.

I sent you a pm

Don't stay together just because you have kids. I know from experience, having unhappy parents stay together doesn't really do your kids any favours. Kids are a lot smarter than they are given credit for a pick up on things, even if it's subtle.  
Saying you still love your partner is a great sign though, go to counselling and figure out where the un happy feelings are coming from.  
Good Luck!

Here is why I think so.  
A very long time ago in our 6th or 7th year of marriage, I was unhappy and just could not seem to get past it. I finally summoned the courage to speak with my husband about it and I said..... "I am unhappy and I don't want this to ruin our marriage" .... his answer was " I am perfectly happy so it must be your issue" WHAT THE HELL?  
I sat and thought about that and after some weeks I realized that while I spent all my time making him, the child and the house happy, I lost myself.  
Spend some time with you, doing what you like, pamper you and then re-examine things. I now have more ME time and I still manage to make time for all the rest but it is not them that are my center anymore, I am.  
I hope that makes sense because you did marry this person for a reason and perhaps along the way you just lost that reason.  
In order for "WE" to be happy.... "I" have to be happy.  
 
 
 
Edited by HLF, 2015-09-18 16:44:33

maybe you just need a time out and think, have some fun with friends or new friends things will come together some time weather good or bad for you only time will tell! good luck with this it's never easy keep your head up

some time away could be good too. I felt I needed it and suggested while back and he refused so I staid but now couple years later I'm gone and done also, all over. some partners do not know how to listen and to see red flags.  
I wonder how many married couples are really happy together.

thanks everyone of the kind words. theres a reason i never mentioned gender..... it simply doesn't matter in this situation!! and I'm not simply "giving up" on my marriage.....I'm tired, wore out and not happy! life is too short not to be happy!! plain and simple  
 
i've had some emotional ups n down since writing this and reading your posts/comments. i have made a few calls around to counsellors and am going to start seeing one. my children have always come first in my life and always will - so next is me. i want to be happy - not sure how I'm going to get there but will figure that out as i go.  
 

I think that the best advice you could receive has already been given here  
 
1) don't rush a divorce  
2) the grass isnt greener  
3) try counselling  
 
I understand that you're unhappy, but there is more than just you and your partner involved. There are children, and even more so there are both famalies of you and your partner. Having been married once (common law) I understand your frustration and seperation is far from easy. Lawyers get involved, property fets divided up, etc. It can be a long process and before you walk that route, you should explore options. Im not sure if its your thing but i know a lot of churches offer couples counseling (it works for some, not for others).  
 
Anyhow, thats the ramble for the day. I wish you the best of luck and hope it works out for you. Msg if you need to talk  
 
 
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I saw this post a while back and thought I would just give you my 2 cents,,  
 
Everybody's path is different, what works for one person may not work for the next, but I will say this, if you think that there is even a spec of hope don't give up, I have been separated for 4 and a half years and divorced for 3 months now, and through that I have come to realise that its not easy, everything changes, graduations , weddings all the things your kids will go through do you want to sit across the room from your ex, and have him or her glaring at you , or would you rather be there together celebrating your child's achievement. some times the grass looks better on the other side, but sometimes the other side can be full of regret... now I will add I did meet an awesome woman almost 2 years after my ex and I split, but those 2 years were tough,, I am how ever very happy now.. but I still think about the graduations and wedding to come every now and then,.  
Listen to your heart and your gut,, they will give you a pretty good idea of what to do..  
 
Good Luck , and all the best in the future.

Try reading the book " the divorce remedy " my wife and I were having problems and she gave me this book to read and I swear it was like it was written just for us. It allows you to see your partners point of view. If you both read it it may help.

Do everything you can to save the relationship i agree. Do not lose yourself, look after you too. DO NOT stay together just for the children your are not doing them any favors. Depends on the age but sometimes your are doing them more harm in showing them what relationships are really suposed to be about

I am in the middle of a marriage breakup and the best advice is common; slow down, talk to a pro, and don't do something that you will regret later.  
 
You have mentioned that you are deeply unhappy. I really understand that, I felt so lost too. What I found is that if you are unhappy in your marriage, you will probably be unhappy out of it. The common denominator is YOU! Several people have said it, look after yourself. Once you get a handle on yourself it's way easier to "find" your way and hopefully save your marriage. It is a very unattractive path to go down, so before you start make sure, several times over, that it makes sense for you.  
 
The divorce is just about done in my relationship. I'm not happy about it, but due to the way things have gone, that's the result. If you do feel you have to go through with it, still talk to a pro, take your time, talk with your spouse and try your best not to make it unrecoverable. It may surprise you how much of your life was really great. Perspective adds focus.

I have been threw divorce and legal separation both, both times there was no winner, everyone lost something. There was also the realization after the fact that there was no greener grass on the other side.  
 
Have you exhausted all avenues of working to grow back together? ie: have you talked 100% open with your partner, and your partner with you? Life together starts with communication. Have you and/or your partner attended counseling alone and have you asked your partner to attend couples counseling. Do you and your partner make time and place to talk openly without interruption to talk, fight, and cry, or at the very least get out together for a coffee or sit and watch the leaves change color. I know this is hard to do with a young family but you have to find time to be truly together and communicate 100% openly, this includes shutting off the interruptions of the electronic world too. In what the two of you have talked about does your partner know and understand what you are feeling, why and how, and what it would take from this person to help you feel a part of your marriage again.  
 
these are all things that I didn't do in the past. Good luck and I hope life brings you happiness.

Is your partner the type that puts their friends, game console, and computer first?  
or is your partner the type that helps around the house,cooks on their days off, cleans up after you have cooked the meal, helps with the yard and with the raising of your family?  
 
If they are the second type you are already the lucky one and have something to really work with. If they are the first type then they are already hiding from what they signed up for.