Discussions

How is it ever possible to trust men ?

Damen said "How dare you label all men as rapists and/or molesters. All women are potential murderers, how can we trust you? Just what are you trying to achieve by saying such a statement? If something has happened to you in your past, I understand, and you have the right to be upset. But you do not have the right to label all men this. "

I didn't read the OPs original post as labelling men at all. If a female is raped or molested by a man, it becomes hard to trust any relationships that she may form with men.  
This can be the case for anything. If a man is constantly lied to by women, it makes it hard to develop trust in women that they may form a relationship with. If a woman had been cheated on by her boyfriend, it makes it hard to build a trusting relationship with another man. If a woman attempts to murder her husband, I'm sure it would be hard for that man to develop trust in other relationships with women. I can go on with examples. It's not about labelling all men or all women as the one who did wrong, it's about how to find trust again when it has been broken so badly. Trust is a hard thing to regain once it has been damaged as badly as a situation like rape.

She isn't saying all men are rapists...she is asking how she can trust men after being raped by one. Meaning...how can she determine which ones are and which ones are not safe. I am pretty sure she knows that not all men are rapists but when you have been attacked by one man the sad truth is you can't help but look at all men with suspicion-because there is no way to identify which are safe and which might not be safe.  
 
Rue-it is very hard to trust after being hurt, and I think even more so when the hurt was rape. If the attacker was a friend or a relative-not a stranger-then it is worse still. Have you tried counselling? A self defence course so you can protect yourself if necessary in future?

Damen said "How dare you label all men as rapists and/or molesters. All women are potential murderers, how can we trust you? Just what are you trying to achieve by saying such a statement? If something has happened to you in your past, I understand, and you have the right to be upset. But you do not have the right to label all men this. "

How dare you label this person as one who is labeling all men!......I didn't read anywhere about all men being labeled as such, someone is sensitive about being labeled....and who said this user profile is a woman....who is labeling now!

maybe offending by some men to read the op statement but obviously she has been hurt so let''s not stretch her comment. A way to release some of her anger.  
After been hurt it is a long shut hard to trust a person and don''t know who is ok and who isn''t.  
Good luck to the op for healing process  
 
Edited by 1 chance, 2016-06-24 10:45:56

I wish people would back off. This is an extremely sensitive issue for the OP to come forward with. I know because I have also been raped and am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. So I stand beside you Rue on this!!  
 
What the OP is getting at is the deep seated emotional trauma that prevents you from trusting anyone ever again especially men. The acts damage your ability to trust. I am in my 50's and have spent years in counselling to get past the pain. It is always there.  
 
To Rue, the advice I offer is time and counselling. Surround yourself with love and positive people both women and men.

From experience, time helps. It can be very hard to trust and there are times that it has interfered with my relationships without me even consciously realizing it. Only a few people in my life know about what happened to me and it helps to talk to them about it when needed, even though it is VERY tough to discuss. My current partner knows and thankfully understands when it sometimes creeps into our relationship. I would suggest talking to a counselor about it if you feel comfortable. It's not something that I have done yet but I wish I had sooner.  
 
I actually just had a discussion with 2 friends today that was interesting to me. There was a man in the park with no children and it creeped them out and they wondered why he would be there. I on the other hand wasn't worried and offered up a few reasons as to why he may be there. I don't know if they have any personal experience with molestation/rape/sexual assault but for me, I now am at a place where I don't automatically assume that every man can't be trusted. It will come to you too hopefully one day. I am sorry you had to go through this but know that there are many others out there who have faced similar situations. You are not alone! If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me

"Between 60% and 99% of rapes and sexual assault are perpetrated by men onto women, children, other men, and transgender people. (Source) Please stop shouting “women rape too” as a derailed when the discussion defaults to the male pronoun as perpetrator. Yes, they do, and they account for between 1% – 40% of the rapes perpetrated. Important to remember, and it’s also important to validate those survivors who were raped by a woman. For more information, please read my disclaimer page."  
 
https://wearawhitefeather.wordpress.com/survivors/rape-culture-statistics/  
 
If you had been raped, and you knew 60- 99% of rapes are by committed by men, you might be scared of men.  
 
Similarly to knowing that Pitbulls and rottweilers are responsible for around 91% of dog attacks, so people are frightened of them.  
 
As for trust OP, I think counseling may be the best thing to start with. Wishing you the best.

Yes, molestation and rape are terrible, and I'm in no way trying to make light of the situation that Rue is suggesting. However, when I first read their (admittedly brief) statement, I honestly came to the same conclusion as Damen did - that it somehow seemed to be an inherent distrust towards all men over the actions of one or a few. While I can understand only to a degree where Rue is coming from (having never been in this situation myself), I have to reiterate the point that not all men, or women, or whomever the offender(s) might be, are despicable people - there are always good, caring people who are willing to help and side with you. While it can certainly damage your trust in a select group, it would be unfair to write off everyone (men, in this case) as dangerous and malicious. That being said, as many others have already mentioned, therapy is a very good outlet to overcoming a hurdle such as this. That and time will hopefully allow this distrust to fade into something positive once more.  
 
As for everyone else spamming Damen for his thoughts: I absolutely support Rue through this situation, and again, I am not in any way attempting to invalidate the pain of what happened. But keep in mind that this is a public forum; anyone can voice their opinions here, which Damen did, as did everyone else. And while Damen's comment might've come off as a bit scathing, it doesn't benefit anyone to deal with active hostility flying both ways. In a discussion as sensitive as this, an actual discussion is the exact thing needed. Getting heated up over internet comments isn't making progress on either side of the issue.  
 
Sorry for the huge post. Just felt I had to add my two cents and remind everyone that cool heads prevail, especially in the face of delicate topics and possibly misinformed posters.

Mist said ""Between 60% and 99% of rapes and sexual assault are perpetrated by men onto women, children, other men, and transgender people. (Source) Please stop shouting “women rape too” as a derailed when the discussion defaults to the male pronoun as perpetrator. Yes, they do, and they account for between 1% – 40% of the rapes perpetrated. Important to remember, and it’s also important to validate those survivors who were raped by a woman. For more information, please read my disclaimer page."     https://wearawhitefeather.wordpress.com/survivors/rape-culture-statistics/     If you had been raped, and you knew 60- 99% of rapes are by committed by men, you might be scared of men.     Similarly to knowing that Pitbulls and rottweilers are responsible for around 91% of dog attacks, so people are frightened of them.     As for trust OP, I think counseling may be the best thing to start with. Wishing you the best. "

And wish you well, I am not a rape survivor so I do not know how to go about trusting men again. I am a man and am in no way offended that you have a hard time with this, it seems logical to me. Just know there are good men out there as there are terrible ones, more good than bad I think.  
 
Sorry but the stats on the post I quoted bug me, who did the statistics that say "60- 99% of rapes are by committed by men"? If your stats are that vague they are useless.  
 
Did you know that between 1 and 100% of murders are committed by humans?  
 
I just made that up but it is also true.

As I've already said, I come from an abusive background and what I find to be the biggest thing holding back a victim's ability to heal is the need to keep it all secret. No one wants to talk about it. It is an awkward discussion for sure. But who are we protecting when we keep it all a secret...the abuser. Most of my healing has come from open discussion with friends and certain family. Other family will not discuss it as they were abused as well. I see very little in the way of healing with those family members.  
 
So I guess my thoughts to Rue and to anyone having experienced this horrific situation, use your supports. Talk with them, get things out in the open. It is not about finding trust in men (or who ever abused) but finding trust in your ability to take a chance again.  
 
If you don't have any or few supports, find more from the community services around you. Check out your local mental health community services. Contact your health region, a support group or church.

Nowhere in the original post did it mention the OP was a victim.  
 
It also does not reveal the gender of the OP....at least to me it didn't.  
 
 
 
Unless your response addressed the actual question poised by the OP, your response to this post is based merely on the assumption the OP was a female victim.  
 
That being said it would be easily understood why someone might take offence to the OP based on the lack of facts.

Happened to me for ten years. By a female. From age 2-12. That stuff messes you up but honestly you just "gotta get over it". You can continue being a victim your whole life, or take control of things through medication for depression or like me, realize some people are disgusting losers that have no morals, no care or concern for others. Don't let it rule your life. You are more than a victim, you are a human being with the right to be happy and healthy both physically and mentally. It's not just guys who rape/molest. Remember that.