Discussions

Hello guys I just wanted to post something and get your thoughts on the way I have been feeling. My name is Maurice but they call me little Moe around the shop. I am 5'3. Anyways please give me your thoughts and please don't flame me. Here goes.  
 
Please help me. I am very fearful and so afraid and desperately need the approval of others. I'm a 37 yr old man and have recenty come to discover and accept that I have many fears and insecurities. My whole life I thought I was normal, but now, later in life, I have almost no friends (or girlfriend) and I am extremely lonely. I can be in a social environment (like church) and be and feel totally lonely. I don't want to be, I just am. I so want to be social and have friends, however I'm the total opposite. Sometimes when I try to come out of myself and connect with others I get rejected and it hurts so I get right back into hiding. It has caused me to withdrawal more and more to some extent. Also, I have a certain stiffness in my body movements as I move about. How come I have so much difficulty becoming comfortable in my own skin? I oftentimes feel afraid to express myself and just "be" confident. I just can't seem to get to a point where I value what I think of me more than what others think of me. I am sick of harboring all this fear. It steals all my joy. I just want to be me and don't know how and feel so much resistance. All of this fear makes me feel like less of a man. When I take the bus to and from work, I find myself looking/focusing at everyone. I so wish I could afford a car. I feel weird when I try to not check others out and be comfortable in my own zone, such as reading a book or playing with my cell. What the hell is wrong with me and how can I overcome it?  
 
After years of introspection I have concluded that part of my fear and insecurity originated from repeatedly being beat up and bullied growing up. Then I suspect I began to be afraid of people because of the fear beat/bullied into me early on which in turn scripted me to be extra nice/passive to everyone, hence allowing others to take advantage of me and use me as a dormat. So over the years I suppose it got worser and people just kept using, walking over, manipulating, treating me like trash, etc. I wish I stook up for myself, but I didn't and thats too late now. My family never showed me how to stick up for myself and now its haunting me in my adult life and manifesting as this ugly fear. I've systematically and gradually become somebody other than myself.  
 
Edited by Little Moe, 2009-04-08 23:29:21