Discussions

I have a son who is now 12. i had posted a thread years ago when he was 7, looking for advice on how to deal with his behavioural problems. well since that time, things have gotten worse. I am the brunt of his frustration and anger. He lost his dad in 2014 and has never greieved..in my opionion anyways. he didn't cry or show emotion, and he never talks about it to me. There are many days where he lashes out at me, for no reason. verbally abusing me and to the point where i am in tears. I have tried going to CATC.. and he saw a phsychiatrist.. once. and he told me he sees that tyler needs behaviouiral mangement and anger management coures.. and i was like sure sign him / me/ us up... well that was over a month ago. Nobody has contacted me, the phsychiatrist says come see him in July.. and the "anger managment" program doens't start still Sept., or so they said. so in the meantime..what do I do? He's already on medication but he's constantly argumentative both at home and school, swearing and just being an overall jerk. I do not have a close relationship with my son because of the constant abuse I put up with, i almost hate him...some days i do hate him. I am at my wits end and don't know where to turn anymore. every alley i try, is a dead end. I need help.. and NOW.. not months down the road. nobody seems to get it. so if nayone has sugguestion on programs that are actually running.. now.. or other stuff.. or groups.. or ANYTHING.. please let me know. I"m getting to the point where i just want to drive out to the middle of the woods and leave him there. please help.

Have you tried talking to the Elsepeth Reid Centre on 9th? I may have spelled the name wrong. They may have people in there who might be able to help. Another suggestion. Ask your family doctor for help.  
 
I have a son who is adhd and on the spectrum and I find the supports for children and adolescents in Brandon is very limited.  
 
Also I would recommend talking to his school. His counsellors and principal may be able to help you get your foot in the door for more support.

What kind of programming does he have at school? Does he have support? The school should be able to guide you in the right direction. Unfortunately CATC has a very very lengthy waiting list right now, so may not be useful to you. I agree with BooBoo however, that there is very little support in Brandon for kids with any type of extra support needs. We struggle with that for our daughter as well.  
The school division needs to start stepping up and offering better programming and supports for children who have those extra needs.

first step is to talk to your doctor and ask for a full Medication review. Your son should have medication reviews every 3 months until you see a balance in his behavior. Tell your doctor what is working and what is not. Some ADHD medications have negative side effects. Be very clear with your doctor about all behavior issues you are seeing. Another option is to call CFS. I know this may sound a bit out there but they have some very good people who work with youth exactly like your son. They may be able to help you or to point you in the right direction.

I've been there. For starters you should contact the Learning Disabilities Assoc of Brandon (they are also on FB) they have resources and a support group.  
I would also have him accessed at the school level. In the meantime get a referral from your family doc to therapists in the region at the hospital, particularly Speech Language Pathology and OT, PT. (free of charge at hospital)  
you could also look at changing his meds; perhaps he could use something different. There are also herbal supplements you could try (discuss with pharmacist or doc first). Stick to a schedule, and loving discipline.  
You can also access therapy if you have coverage at work. Also, reach out for help with your behaviour. I know that sounds harsh, but you need to see what you can change, and how you react.  
Do some research into Executive Functions.  
Take care.

Is he in any type of sports to be able to release any extra frustration or help him grieve through movement? We, and some of our friends with ADHD kids, have found that instead of team sports, that a sport that focuses on individual achievement (martial arts & similar) can be very beneficial both for girls & boys alike. We chose judo, but others we know have chosen other sports. Creating music can be a good outlet too.  
 
Does he have a male mentor close by that he can talk with? That could be great for him AND give you a welcome break.  
 
Does he have a pet? Can he get out into the space of the country to breathe? Can he visit a farm? Does he like to tinker?  
 
Just throwing this out there, as we have had to go this route...is his diet free of synthetic ingredients (certain flavors, colors, preservatives, artificial sweeteners)? We did not choose medications, but I do understand that some of them can contain some of these ingredients. It isn't just in foods. As others have said, some meds can cause unwelcome side effects.  
 
Here is another thought...does he willingly take the meds or is he feeling like everyone is out to "fix" him because he is broken? That can be very difficult on a person. Personally, I don't like being the receiving end of being "fixed". I am not broken. I just do things differently. He will also be struggling now with hormones and also how to start to be a man. Without a male role model, this can make things difficult to navigate.  
 
We also chose to homeschool. Your relationship does not sound like that would work so well for you at this time, but could it be arranged that someone else that he would respect handle this for you? Public school curriculum & atmosphere can often make it very difficult to learn well for many students. They end up struggling and this can lead to feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and frustration. ADHD kids usually learn differently than what is offered in the public school's curriculum...hands on and so on and not so much drill & kill. There is often less stress put on the student to perform for elusive grades and more emphasis put on enjoyment of learning. There is a lot of choice in the modern homeschool world as far as learning resources go. You can pretty much find something/anything that works for each type of person.  
 
Does he have any learning challenges (trouble reading, writing, seeing clearly what is on the page, etc)?  
 
Is he being bullied in school?  
 
As mentioned above...how are you reacting to situations? I know certain situations can be very difficult, but it is worth paying attention to and consciously thinking about how you react. It is hard work. REALLY HARD.  
 
You certainly need the support of parents who have been there too.  
 
You most likely have explored some of these options in the past, but I thought that it might be worth mentioning them.  
 
I would be willing to give you my ear at any time. I am out of the city, but if I could arrange it, could come in for coffee with you if you want. I understand some of your struggles (and have many friends in a similar boat) and would be honored to listen to you be angry, cry, laugh, whatever. My pm on eBrandon is enabled. Feel free to pm me at anytime. Support for you is important & priceless. I know so many times I needed that...and still do at times. Sometimes all it takes is a listening ear to get you though a day.

Sent u a pm

I too have seen a lack of resources available. I have had a similar experience with Brandon's services as well. School board - counsellor at school is too busy, social worker too busy, school psychologist long waiting list... it's ridiculous. CATC did not have any programs that fit my sons age group. There seemed to be support groups for younger kids and nothing for preteens, etc. Although with cuts happening all over, I don't see resources improving for a condition that's more prevalent in our youth today. Mental health is something that needs to be better supported especially for our kids.  
 
I joined a ADHD parent support Facebook group that helps me. It won't help with specific brandon things as it's mostly Americans (but also people from all over the world), but it makes you feel less alone in your struggle. I've learned a lot from others experiences on there about meds and how to deal with it.

The resources must vary from school to school. I had alot of help from my sons school. If it wasn''t for them he wouldn''t have been diagnosed. He has been able to see the councellor at school any time he''s needed to.They provided him with his own chair that rocks, ear muffs to muffle sounds to help him concentrate...all before he was even diagnosed and I didnt even have to ask them. They even wrote a letter with their observations of his behavior for me to take to my Dr. to help get refered to Dr. Elves. My son responds well with his medication and we have seen huge improvements in his grades and social behavior with classmates. He was diagnosed quite young (7 years old) which I think helped get a routine early and we were able to improve grades and reading all by the end of the same year. Maybe try talking to the school and explain he needs to see the councellor and see if they have more resources for you. Like someone else said..Elspeth Reid runs their own courses too. Wish I could be more helpful.  
 
Edited by brandondoula, 2017-06-16 06:40:04

a lot of good suggestions here. I struggled with similar things with my son. We found a lot of progress after seeing a naturopath personally. A Occupational Therapist may be able to help as well. I try to remember why my child is doing the things he does, it helps us all when I realize he can't help a lot of the things he does without the right tools. I know how hard that is though. Make sure you look after yourself. Take time for yourself so you can re charge and be better able to tackle this. As others mentioned talking to a doctor or the school's resource teacher may be helpful too. Wishing you the best.

no he is not in any sports. i asked him if he wanted to play anything and he said no. he'd rather sit on the couch with a video game controller in his hand.but at this moment he's lost all electronic priveledges. I thought about putting him in karate or someting like that.. but it's kinda expensive and i can't afford it right now atm. i know there is kidsport, but i probably make 2 much to qualify there. As far as a male mentor, I've tried big brothers and sisters, but i am still on a waiting list,...2 years later. we have lots of pets in the house, a cat, guinea pig, fish, budgies..  
 
His diet is NOT free of syntetics or dyes, or all that bad stuff.. it's in EVERYTHING you buy and i don't have time to make everything natural and home made..and even if i did do that, since i don't buy pop or junkfood hardly anyways, he just helps himself a the convenience store a block and a half away..either by stealing money from me or his step dad or by mooching off of friends or asking for money somehwere else. i cna't control what he eats, espeically when he goes to friends houses and what not. at first when he was diagnosed, i didon't want to go the medication route either.. so i tried diet change and all that stuff.. but it didn't really work and then the school called saying he was falling behind. so now he is on slow release concerta, but by the evening it has worn off. he willingly takes his meds, but he never remembers to take them, i always have to make sure he takes his pill every morning before i leave for work because he can't seem to remember to.. even tho it's routine. and that's another hting.. we hvae a routine at home, but he always says he can't remember what time bed time is, or when he's supposed to be home, but i know he is lying. its the same time every night for the past umpteen years. so even tho we have a routine, he still has troubles following it, and sometimes is down right defiant.  
 
home schooling probably would be better, but i bet it's expensive. he seems to enjoy school but once in awhile he doesn't want to go because sum kid was picking on him, but it's not a daily thing.  
 
most days i have the patience to deal with his attitutde, etc.. but other days i down right lose it. i have a short fuse most days and sometimes i am just at my wits end dealing with the constant repetition of bad behaviour and forgetfullness...etc. they say you shouldn't take it personally, but i find this very hard. It's hard not to and when people are real jerks to me, i don't even want to associate with them..hence why our relationship is barely there.. in my opinion. most parents "love" their kids.. but i don't htink i feel that.. i just "do".. look after and care for him because i am obligated to and don't expect someone else to take on the hassle of raising him. i never want to do stuff with him because he is always so mean or rude, and then sometimes when i do dthings with him or take him places, right after it's back to the i'm gonna treat mom like crap..so i quit doing fun outings like that.  
 
my fiance is living with us and he has an older step brother for "male role models"..but he doesn't model any behaviour except his own. he's deceiptful, lies, and down right doesn't give a dam about anyone else but himself. he's very selfish at most times. once in a blue moon i have to admit he thinks of others or does something nice..but it's very very rare.  
 
i'd just ike to be able to talk to someone who is dealing with the same situtaion and what they have tried.. as far as discipline and punishments for bad behaviour, etc.

I pm'd you.

Bristles said "no he is not in any sports. i asked him if he wanted to play anything and he said no. he'd rather sit on the couch with a video game controller in his hand.but at this moment he's lost all electronic priveledges. I thought about putting him in karate or someting like that.. but it's kinda expensive and i can't afford it right now atm. i know there is kidsport, but i probably make 2 much to qualify there. As far as a male mentor, I've tried big brothers and sisters, but i am still on a waiting list,...2 years later. we have lots of pets in the house, a cat, guinea pig, fish, budgies..     His diet is NOT free of syntetics or dyes, or all that bad stuff.. it's in EVERYTHING you buy and i don't have time to make everything natural and home made..and even if i did do that, since i don't buy pop or junkfood hardly anyways, he just helps himself a the convenience store a block and a half away..either by stealing money from me or his step dad or by mooching off of friends or asking for money somehwere else. i cna't control what he eats, espeically when he goes to friends houses and what not. at first when he was diagnosed, i didon't want to go the medication route either.. so i tried diet change and all that stuff.. but it didn't really work and then the school called saying he was falling behind. so now he is on slow release concerta, but by the evening it has worn off. he willingly takes his meds, but he never remembers to take them, i always have to make sure he takes his pill every morning before i leave for work because he can't seem to remember to.. even tho it's routine. and that's another hting.. we hvae a routine at home, but he always says he can't remember what time bed time is, or when he's supposed to be home, but i know he is lying. its the same time every night for the past umpteen years. so even tho we have a routine, he still has troubles following it, and sometimes is down right defiant.     home schooling probably would be better, but i bet it's expensive. he seems to enjoy school but once in awhile he doesn't want to go because sum kid was picking on him, but it's not a daily thing.     most days i have the patience to deal with his attitutde, etc.. but other days i down right lose it. i have a short fuse most days and sometimes i am just at my wits end dealing with the constant repetition of bad behaviour and forgetfullness...etc. they say you shouldn't take it personally, but i find this very hard. It's hard not to and when people are real jerks to me, i don't even want to associate with them..hence why our relationship is barely there.. in my opinion. most parents "love" their kids.. but i don't htink i feel that.. i just "do".. look after and care for him because i am obligated to and don't expect someone else to take on the hassle of raising him. i never want to do stuff with him because he is always so mean or rude, and then sometimes when i do dthings with him or take him places, right after it's back to the i'm gonna treat mom like crap..so i quit doing fun outings like that.     my fiance is living with us and he has an older step brother for "male role models"..but he doesn't model any behaviour except his own. he's deceiptful, lies, and down right doesn't give a dam about anyone else but himself. he's very selfish at most times. once in a blue moon i have to admit he thinks of others or does something nice..but it's very very rare.     i'd just ike to be able to talk to someone who is dealing with the same situtaion and what they have tried.. as far as discipline and punishments for bad behaviour, etc. "

Do you think perhaps your son is picking up and modelling after YOUR behaviour? Kids aren't stupid and if you're on here saying how you feel like you hate him and that the only reason you're looking after him is because you have to... I feel sorry for him. I can't imagine how he must feel. Maybe try praising him once in a while and be positive.  
Lots of good suggestions on here for help. Hopefully you get some.

have you tried meditation for adhd - i used it when i worked with children with adhd  
 
also, there's braincore-therapy-webflow.io in Winnipeg that work with children with Adhd  
check it out -

The symptoms you describe are very similar to depression and the narcissistic actions of bipolar disorder. I know he's young, but he also has a lot on his plate. The loss of a parent at such a young age, introducing a "new" family to him. He may not be accepting your ability to move on. Because he cannot move on himself. He's very troubled...but reading your posts...your troubled yourself. If he is watching your actions and your responses....you may be modeling undesied behaviour not realizing he's closely watching you. Keep in mind he's old enough to read and can read the hurtful things your posting on here with a clear profile picture of yourself. His friends also can do the same. I understand it's tough being a parent....and more so a parent of a child who requres extra effort.but be cautious of what you put out....because you won't be happy when it returns.  
Take time for yourself to heal. And get the help you need. It could very well motivate him in reaching out as well.

Manitobagem said "    Bristles said "no he is not in any sports. i asked him if he wanted to play anything and he said no. he'd rather sit on the couch with a video game controller in his hand.but at this moment he's lost all electronic priveledges. I thought about putting him in karate or someting like that.. but it's kinda expensive and i can't afford it right now atm. i know there is kidsport, but i probably make 2 much to qualify there. As far as a male mentor, I've tried big brothers and sisters, but i am still on a waiting list,...2 years later. we have lots of pets in the house, a cat, guinea pig, fish, budgies..     His diet is NOT free of syntetics or dyes, or all that bad stuff.. it's in EVERYTHING you buy and i don't have time to make everything natural and home made..and even if i did do that, since i don't buy pop or junkfood hardly anyways, he just helps himself a the convenience store a block and a half away..either by stealing money from me or his step dad or by mooching off of friends or asking for money somehwere else. i cna't control what he eats, espeically when he goes to friends houses and what not. at first when he was diagnosed, i didon't want to go the medication route either.. so i tried diet change and all that stuff.. but it didn't really work and then the school called saying he was falling behind. so now he is on slow release concerta, but by the evening it has worn off. he willingly takes his meds, but he never remembers to take them, i always have to make sure he takes his pill every morning before i leave for work because he can't seem to remember to.. even tho it's routine. and that's another hting.. we hvae a routine at home, but he always says he can't remember what time bed time is, or when he's supposed to be home, but i know he is lying. its the same time every night for the past umpteen years. so even tho we have a routine, he still has troubles following it, and sometimes is down right defiant.     home schooling probably would be better, but i bet it's expensive. he seems to enjoy school but once in awhile he doesn't want to go because sum kid was picking on him, but it's not a daily thing.     most days i have the patience to deal with his attitutde, etc.. but other days i down right lose it. i have a short fuse most days and sometimes i am just at my wits end dealing with the constant repetition of bad behaviour and forgetfullness...etc. they say you shouldn't take it personally, but i find this very hard. It's hard not to and when people are real jerks to me, i don't even want to associate with them..hence why our relationship is barely there.. in my opinion. most parents "love" their kids.. but i don't htink i feel that.. i just "do".. look after and care for him because i am obligated to and don't expect someone else to take on the hassle of raising him. i never want to do stuff with him because he is always so mean or rude, and then sometimes when i do dthings with him or take him places, right after it's back to the i'm gonna treat mom like crap..so i quit doing fun outings like that.     my fiance is living with us and he has an older step brother for "male role models"..but he doesn't model any behaviour except his own. he's deceiptful, lies, and down right doesn't give a dam about anyone else but himself. he's very selfish at most times. once in a blue moon i have to admit he thinks of others or does something nice..but it's very very rare.     i'd just ike to be able to talk to someone who is dealing with the same situtaion and what they have tried.. as far as discipline and punishments for bad behaviour, etc. " Do you think perhaps your son is picking up and modelling after YOUR behaviour? Kids aren't stupid and if you're on here saying how you feel like you hate him and that the only reason you're looking after him is because you have to... I feel sorry for him. I can't imagine how he must feel. Maybe try praising him once in a while and be positive.   Lots of good suggestions on here for help. Hopefully you get some. "

i doubt he is modeling after my behaviour. i am a caring person who thinks of others before myself and would go out of my way to help people. i am kind and nice towards others, not rude and snarky like my son. I am very placid and have a lot patience in general and am very adaptable to changing situtaions. i don't act like i know it all and i certainly don't treat people with the disrepect he does towards me. i tell him that if he gives respect, he will get respect. he is selfish and bossy, i am not...so i doubt he is modeling after my behaviour. if he was, he would be kind and mild mannered person with a carefree attitude and a general respect to his parents and people.

I would also say that you could potentially be doing a lot of harm to him by openly writing about this very sensitive matter while not hiding who you are, and not taking steps to sure his identity remains confidential. I understand you are looking for help but you are saying some very hurtful things about a 12 year old boy who has gone through and is probably still trying to cope with the extremely hard loss of a parent.  
You mentioned he did not cry after his father died, perhaps,taking him to see someone that he can talk to might help with this.  
I coukd only imagine how I would feel if my mother wrote something like this about me on a site where my friends could see.  
Please try to praise him whenever possible even for small things ..like coming home on time. If his problems are not just that of a rebellious teenager then you are treating him badly for behaviour that he doesn't know how to control.

Bristles said "no he is not in any sports. i asked him if he wanted to play anything and he said no. he'd rather sit on the couch with a video game controller in his hand.but at this moment he's lost all electronic priveledges. I thought about putting him in karate or someting like that.. but it's kinda expensive and i can't afford it right now atm. i know there is kidsport, but i probably make 2 much to qualify there. As far as a male mentor, I've tried big brothers and sisters, but i am still on a waiting list,...2 years later. we have lots of pets in the house, a cat, guinea pig, fish, budgies..     His diet is NOT free of syntetics or dyes, or all that bad stuff.. it's in EVERYTHING you buy and i don't have time to make everything natural and home made..and even if i did do that, since i don't buy pop or junkfood hardly anyways, he just helps himself a the convenience store a block and a half away..either by stealing money from me or his step dad or by mooching off of friends or asking for money somehwere else. i cna't control what he eats, espeically when he goes to friends houses and what not. at first when he was diagnosed, i didon't want to go the medication route either.. so i tried diet change and all that stuff.. but it didn't really work and then the school called saying he was falling behind. so now he is on slow release concerta, but by the evening it has worn off. he willingly takes his meds, but he never remembers to take them, i always have to make sure he takes his pill every morning before i leave for work because he can't seem to remember to.. even tho it's routine. and that's another hting.. we hvae a routine at home, but he always says he can't remember what time bed time is, or when he's supposed to be home, but i know he is lying. its the same time every night for the past umpteen years. so even tho we have a routine, he still has troubles following it, and sometimes is down right defiant.     home schooling probably would be better, but i bet it's expensive. he seems to enjoy school but once in awhile he doesn't want to go because sum kid was picking on him, but it's not a daily thing.     most days i have the patience to deal with his attitutde, etc.. but other days i down right lose it. i have a short fuse most days and sometimes i am just at my wits end dealing with the constant repetition of bad behaviour and forgetfullness...etc. they say you shouldn't take it personally, but i find this very hard. It's hard not to and when people are real jerks to me, i don't even want to associate with them..hence why our relationship is barely there.. in my opinion. most parents "love" their kids.. but i don't htink i feel that.. i just "do".. look after and care for him because i am obligated to and don't expect someone else to take on the hassle of raising him. i never want to do stuff with him because he is always so mean or rude, and then sometimes when i do dthings with him or take him places, right after it's back to the i'm gonna treat mom like crap..so i quit doing fun outings like that.     my fiance is living with us and he has an older step brother for "male role models"..but he doesn't model any behaviour except his own. he's deceiptful, lies, and down right doesn't give a dam about anyone else but himself. he's very selfish at most times. once in a blue moon i have to admit he thinks of others or does something nice..but it's very very rare.     i'd just ike to be able to talk to someone who is dealing with the same situtaion and what they have tried.. as far as discipline and punishments for bad behaviour, etc. "

As a parent, I would say that it is not his choice completely what activities he is in at 12 years old. He should absolutely not be allowed to sit and play video games all of the time. You are the parent, you tell him that he has x amount of options, but he must choose some kind of activity to be in, whether that is sports or some other kind of social activity.  
 
As for diet and medication, again he is 12, you are in control of this as a parent still at this age. There should never ever be a time when he is responsible for that medication on his own at this age. If he is suffering from some kind of depression, he could stash the meds away and use them to harm himself or worse. You are responsible for making sure he takes the medication, or you assign that responsibility to another adult in his life if you can't be there at the right time of day for the dose to be taken. Diet as well is in your control at home. If it is important for his mental health, you make time to have the right foods at home. At 12 years old you are right, you cannot control what he eats at a friends house, but you can teach the right eating habits at home. You can also give him the consequence of not being allowed to go to the corner store for snacks if he is not clean up his attitude. He is 12, he needs rules.  
 
Home schooling works for some kids, but not for all. Sounds like this boy needs the social experience and expectations of being at public school.  
 
Every parent loses it sometimes.....you are normal for feeling the way you do. You need to make time to set boundaries and expectations for him though. Don't give up just because it's hard. All of the things he needs right now are very time consuming and difficult for a parent, but he deserves a chance to have that given to him. I would start with seeing a counsellor or psychiatrist as there is grief issues here with the loss of a parent, and I would make it a priority to set up some rules/boundaries, clean up his diet, and find an activity for him. It will take time to get him on track, but you can do it! You reached out for help, so you obviously care!

Please call Kim Richardson @ 306-322-7710. She is an EAL facilitator and specializes with this type of children. She is located just outside of Rivers.