Discussions

Hi all, I am torn over what is going on with myself and my brother over our mother's will.  
I know I can ask a lawyer, but thought I would get some opinions here. Please, not negative comments....it has all been hard enough.  
 
My mother passed away in Jan of this year. My brother and I were left as executor and executrix. Unfortunately, I was away when he had to clean out her suite, etc.  
 
So, he was involved with the lawyer before I was, so all the correspondence was going to him. Which was fine, until I learned he was getting quite a bit of stuff and was not sending it on to me. I would have to ask him five or six times to send the information. Finally, I just called the lawyer and had my name put on as contact to. So, that was very much, not communicating with me, on his part.  
 
During this whole time, if I asked any questions he would just start bringing things up from the past, never anything to do with the estate or will. I had asked him at one time to take mom's rings off her fingers and save them for me, so we did not have to cut them off. When I asked for them - he said I already had them. I had to explain that no I did not, he had them. When he realized he had them, he decided he wanted them as a keepsake. I am telling just a wee bit of what has been going on, so you can understand a bit better my situation.  
 
Unfortunately, there were many fights and arguments. But the arguments always referred back to something both of us had done years ago, nothing relevant to mom's will.  
 
Mom had no land or huge assets. It was all basically money, insurance plan through work, personal belongings - all very straight forward to be split 50/50.  
 
So, that is a little background. Everything has gone through probate and we are just waiting on clearance. Since I was not around when he cleaned out the suite, he did sell a lot of her furniture, etc.  
 
Since all of these arguments have taken place, he will not pay me for half the money from the sale of the furniture. So, he has actually changed a deceased person's will. He is not following the wishes of the will. Nor will he communicate with me, although I do have an e-mail from him, where he said he owed me the money.  
 
But - this is not about the money. It could be $5 or thousands of dollars. To me, it is about him not following the wishes of mom and a legal document.  
 
This is tearing me apart. In my mind he has gone along, changed a will, not respected mom's wishes, But the biggest thing I see and what is really bothering me is the fact, when I think of mom, She is not resting in peace, knowing her son has changed her wishes and legal document.  
 
He will not communicate at all with me. I have sent him information on Canadian Laws and wills that specifically said - everyone will have arguments, that does not mean you can go ahead and change a deceased persons will.  
 
I just want to feel/see that mom is resting in peace, knowing all was settled as she wanted.  
 
Opinions anyone? I really do not know where to turn. This could be so easy and done properly. Then I could picture mom, resting in peace, knowing her wishes and will were completed as she wanted.  
 
I know this is long, but I thought to get both sides out - yes we both argued and fought, it was just easier to put it all down now.

He hasn't 'changed the will, he just isn't following it. The lawyer should be notified of this, and can make arrangements for you to get the money that is owed.

curlysister said "He hasn't 'changed the will, he just isn't following it. The lawyer should be notified of this, and can make arrangements for you to get the money that is owed. "

the lawyer has been paid, it has gone through probate and we are just waiting on clearance.  
 
So, this should have been settled before we were done with the lawyer, but in making sure all the other forms, taxes, etc. were done correctly, this was just something not at the top of the list at the time.  
 
We are essentially done with the lawyer.

The more you will fight each other. It will get worse. Lawyers love and encourage this as it builds their fee.  
 
I have learned to keep my mouth shut. I was cut out of the will. People were screaming that I should fight, spend piles of money, have it drag on for years, for a little bit of money. I chose to walk away from those people.  
 
No-one wins in a fight.

TheScotsman said "The more you will fight each other. It will get worse. Lawyers love and encourage this as it builds their fee.     I have learned to keep my mouth shut. I was cut out of the will. People were screaming that I should fight, spend piles of money, have it drag on for years, for a little bit of money. I chose to walk away from those people.     No-one wins in a fight. "

I do not want to get a lawyer involved.  
 
But, like I said, I want to know that mom's wishes were followed and she can rest in peace.  
 
He will not communicate with me, tells me he has no need for a sister and hates me.  
 
So be it - he will be one very lonely old man.  
 
I just cannot see that mom is resting in peace as she should be.

My post showed up out of order.  
 
I was lied to and lied about and punished. Hum? I wish nothing on anyone. They can make their choices and I will make mine.  
 
I "think" Mom will be impressed, and will rest just fine, with your mature handling of the situation, regardless of the outcome. It is always the toughest thing to do, being the better person.

I'm sorry you are going through this! Obviously he doesn't want to keep the family together, he's got what he wanted and so now he has nothing to say! Unfortunately being as you weren't there at the time , he did what he wanted. I guess it boils down to the fact that even though your mother wanted everything 50-50 he is not someone who can be trusted! So sad! I've been down this road and it's not a good one, all that helped me through it all was the fact that I don't live with a guilty conscience. Karma will come back and bite him sooner or later!

I hope this comes across how I mean it, because I am in no way meaning to sound harsh or judgemental - but sometimes typed words can be misinterpreted or misunderstood.  
I firmly believe that you mom's soul is resting as it should be. People make final wishes, but once the person is gone, it is not always possible that those wishes are followed, for whatever reason. It isn't that you haven't done your best to follow them, it's that circumstances beyond your control have prevented them. Your brother has prevented them from being followed, but you can not control what your brother does. At this point, you may not be able to get the money from him. In order for you to come to a peace about the situation, you might find it helpful to talk with someone in a church, if you have one that you are comfortable in.

maybe there is more to this than is being let on as there is always two sides to a story.  
something like this being posted on social media could even make things more difficult.  
 
Edited by Rainy, 2017-12-17 20:25:36

We've learned from family stuff that money does funny things to people. If I were in your shoes, I might fight for a momento (the rings, or possibly something else if he's unwilling to give those up), but leave the money part alone.  
 
Yes, he's not following the will, but it's not worth getting into a fight over. I would seriously weigh whether I want too much to do with him in the future, however.

Rainy said "maybe there is more to this than is being let on as there is always two sides to a story.   something like this being posted on social media could even make things more difficult.     Edited by Rainy, 2017-12-17 20:25:36"

I did post we both argued....I did not say it was only him.  
 
I am just at a loss. I really didn't know where to turn to get the opinions that he is in fact disregarding mom's will and wishes. Be assured, nothing can get more difficult.  
 
There are lots of things that are posted to social media. I thought very long and hard before I posted this....but, I just think of how unhappy she would be to know this is happening and as I said, was just at a loss.  
 
I only want her will to be done as she wished. Then we can do whatever, part ways as he wants. But at least I will know that she is resting in peace with everything done as her will stated.  
 
I do understand your opinion though.

rjb1962. said "    Rainy said "maybe there is more to this than is being let on as there is always two sides to a story.   something like this being posted on social media could even make things more difficult.     Edited by Rainy, 2017-12-17 20:25:36" I did post we both argued....I did not say it was only him.     I am just at a loss. I really didn't know where to turn to get the opinions that he is in fact disregarding mom's will and wishes. Be assured, nothing can get more difficult.     There are lots of things that are posted to social media. I thought very long and hard before I posted this....but, I just think of how unhappy she would be to know this is happening and as I said, was just at a loss.     I only want her will to be done as she wished. Then we can do whatever, part ways as he wants. But at least I will know that she is resting in peace with everything done as her will stated.     I do understand your opinion though. "

saying you argued isn't telling others both sides of the story

And not trying to be rude but this does sound like it’s about the money and not about following your moms wishes. If it’s not about the money for the stuff then you would be fine with the outcome. Obviously the bulk of the estate got separated evenly or the lawyers wouldn’t be signing off on it.  
 
So the smaller possessions didn’t get handled as they should have which I really feel for you, as I’m sure there were keepsakes and memories e:mbedded in the items. But if the items are sold then there’s really nothing you can do about it and it’s too late to try to track down the items. If you want to be petty and go after the money for the items and create more family drama then sure, contact a lawyer and fight it out. But you don’t know how much money they got for the items so you don’t know how much to fight for so it seems silly to even worry about it. We sold my grandparents stuff out of his estate and got around $3000 from swap and shop garage sale sites. The maximum you would probably sell a house full of items for (unless it’s a farm and there’s equipment/tools) would likely be $5,000 - $10,000. Maybe it’s worth fighting with family over and maybe it’s not, that’s for you to decide.  
 
It’s my personal opinion that you need to let go and move on. Your moms soul would rather you talk to your sibling than fight over petty things during this rough time. Again, that’s just my opinion. I’m truly very sorry you are fighting with your sibling and I’m very sorry for your loss. This can’t be an easy time for you. I hope you find comfort and peace.

Just sent you a message. Good luck

Viv said "And not trying to be rude but this does sound like it’s about the money and not about following your moms wishes. If it’s not about the money for the stuff then you would be fine with the outcome. Obviously the bulk of the estate got separated evenly or the lawyers wouldn’t be signing off on it.     So the smaller possessions didn’t get handled as they should have which I really feel for you, as I’m sure there were keepsakes and memories e:mbedded in the items. But if the items are sold then there’s really nothing you can do about it and it’s too late to try to track down the items. If you want to be petty and go after the money for the items and create more family drama then sure, contact a lawyer and fight it out. But you don’t know how much money they got for the items so you don’t know how much to fight for so it seems silly to even worry about it. We sold my grandparents stuff out of his estate and got around $3000 from swap and shop garage sale sites. The maximum you would probably sell a house full of items for (unless it’s a farm and there’s equipment/tools) would likely be $5,000 - $10,000. Maybe it’s worth fighting with family over and maybe it’s not, that’s for you to decide.     It’s my personal opinion that you need to let go and move on. Your moms soul would rather you talk to your sibling than fight over petty things during this rough time. Again, that’s just my opinion. I’m truly very sorry you are fighting with your sibling and I’m very sorry for your loss. This can’t be an easy time for you. I hope you find comfort and peace. "

It would be nice to talk to my sibling - but he will not communicate with me, he dislikes me (and that is nicer than what he said to me)  
 
My mother suffered horribly (in face we would not let animals live as she did), so I just want her to know that everything was followed as her wishes and then I can know she is resting in peace.  
 
He offered up the amount of money - I did not question him. If it was about the money more than my mom, as you think, I would have had a list of items sold and what he sold them for. I did not do that. I took his word for it.  
 
I do not intend to get a lawyer to fight it (I never said that). I just want to be at peace, knowing mom is at peace.  
 
My main question was can he change a deceased person's will?  
 
Edited by rjb1962., 2017-12-18 12:10:46

"My main question was can he change a deceased person's will?"  
 
He did not change the will. He is not following it down to the last detail. The only person who can enforce the following of it, is a lawyer. If you are done with the estate lawyer and don't want to pay another lawyer, there isn't anything you can do, as far as I understand.

Agreef-he did not change the will. He simply has not followed the terms of the will to the letter.  
 
I hope you will get your half of the amount still waiting for distribution.  
 
Hess you want to hire a lawyer- and you seem.cleqr that you choose not to do that-there is nothing else you can do about what he has withheld from you up to this point. I woukd suggest that you come to terms with that and then let it go. I.believe that your mom will be at peace as long as you are happy.

I too have seen the loss of trust of some family members after my mothers passing. It seems that money or greed does very strange things to people. You cannot, however, control what other people do. It is not the loss of possessions or money that hurts, rather the loss of kinship that has been a part of your life forever. No amount of arguing seems to be able to resolve matters. (At least in my experience)  
 
I think the best resolution is to walk away knowing that you tried and you were honest and YOU DID THE RIGHT THINGS. Everything else is up to someone else.  
 
I feel your pain and I sympathize.

I am not happy - as all I can think about his him not following moms wishes and a legal document, so she is not at peace. I do try and think the other way - she knows I tried to make everything done as she wished and would be at peace with me.  
 
All of the other monies has been distributed evenly and fairly. This is not a huge amount of money - it is the principle of following mom's will, a legal document.  
 
When I got the e-mail from him, that he said he did owe me the money, I thought great. That will be the end, everything is done to mom''s wishes and she can now rest in peace. Then we had an argument, and now there is no communication at all. I have sent information to him from a Canadian Will site that specifically said - arguments may happen, but those cannot change the legality of a deceased persons will or following the orders of a deceased persons will. So, that is where my question was from, has he changed it.  
 
I will just have to come to terms with the fact, mom is resting.  
 
Edited by rjb1962., 2017-12-18 15:05:01

just a thought but if it is a small amount of money maybe he feels since he did the work that he should get to keep the small amount it sold for, cleaning up someones estate is a lot of work and if you hired someone it would come out of the estates funds if there is enough to cover it  
 
the rings are one of those things that cannot be split, usually what happens is that each of you get something of similar sentimental and monetary value but if that isnt possible, due to whatever then whoever doesn't receive an item is bought out, that can be a bit of an argument to decide whats fair but sometimes we have to give up exactly fair for the sake of peace  
 
at this point it sounds like you either have to contact the lawyer again or find a way to look at the situation so you can accept and move on - accept may not mean forgive for you, but you cant waste your life dwelling on it, would your mom want that?  
 
ps i know its your terminology but your brother did nt change the will, he disregard portions of it that should have been dealt with before you signed off, you would have to ask the lawyer about that