Discussions

Recently moved in with my boyfriend (never had kids)of four years… I have a 14-year-old daughter…he’s on my case all the time about getting to do chores. She keeps her room clean, does her laundry, empties the dishwasher and when asked will help with other things. He wants her to clean bathrooms, vacuum dishes to teach life lessons. He gets upset and speaks loudly and she hears all of it. I’m just frustrated and don’t know what to do. She has mental health issues and is a very shy timid girl...any advice?

But I’ve been through this before. If she is doing those other chores, I think she is doing just fine. He needs to learn to pick his battles. The fact that she can hear him talking about her, truly infuriates me. This is a very sad spot to put you in as well. She is no doubt feeling like she is maybe ruining your relationship. Please fix this promptly before he puts a wedge between your daughter and yourself.

Honestly I agree with him. At 14 she should be helping with vacuuming, dusting and more.  
I don’t think he should be mentioning it infront of her but I agree that kids these days get off pretty easy at home. Come up with a little weekly list together and present a united front. It won’t hurt her to have more chores.

Tell him that she is cleaning, and let him know it’s not appreciated. If she wasn’t doing something I can see that being an issue but after 4 years together they must have had to interact so it’s odd he’s starting on her. Than again if you two moved into his place it maybe misplaced anxiety and other issues about his space being invaded. If he moved in with you it maybe him trying to be “man of the house” in which case tell him to cut that crap out.

Have to agree completely with Pasquale. Situations like this just go from bad to worse if not talked out with all parties, lots of unknown feelings and emotions are hard to tackle at times, but belittling someone who may already be under stress is a completely wrong.

You need to sit down as a family and discuss this. Put all cards on the table.  
You all need to come together with an agreement. If not this will definitely destroy this family.

It's not dating advice you're seeking as much as living-as-a-family advice.  
 
From what you describe, there might need to be 2 steps to a resolution, one short term, and the other longer.  
 
In the short term, the simplest solution would be for everyone, including your daughter, to sit down and draw up a contract of sorts dividing up chores. At 14, I agree she's approaching adulthood and could be doing a share of running the household. By no means should she be Cinderella, but everyone taking turns doing the common chores (bathrooms, vacuuming etc) seems reasonable considering her age, even with mental health issues.  
 
Longer term, the way you and your partner are handling the situation suggests there needs to be some conversations about how to handle conflict resolution and boundaries for parenting. Giving him the benefit of the doubt because I know nothing of the situation, it's possible he doesn't realize the error in how he's approaching this. You will also need to set some boundaries as to what is appropriate to bringing up parenting beefs. Having a good, mutually-agreed upon conflict resolution strategy would be a good place to start and will help smooth any bumps along the way as you learn to live as a family.  
 
Good luck, and I hope you find a resolution.

She needs to learn to do all chores around the house, cooking, cleaning, vaccuming etc.. if she doesnt learn it now how do you expect her to do it later. Timid is no excuse for not doing chores. When I grew up I had to take turns cooking, dishes, vaccuming, bathroom cleaning, mowing, weeding... If she is not doing any yard work outside I would expect her to atleast take turns doing ALL chores inside. I cant stress enough, its taking turns doing ALL chores, its not doing all chores all the time, but lets say once a month its her week to clean the bathroom, maybe Monday, Wednesday Friday is her day to cook and Tuesday, Thursday Saturday is her day to do the dishes. Like others stated, you should sit down and go over it as a family. The parents in a house with a teenage kid should do no more chores then the kid itself, so start divying it up. But if you expect that simply cleaning up after thenselves and doing their own room and laundry is enough chores for a teenager im sorry but your setting your kid up for failure and Im not kidding on that.

How much housework is he doing?

I see on the stocking stuffer post that you have an 18 year old boy. Is he yours or your partners? Does he do chores, does you BF do any. It doesn't hurt men to clean toilets I think kids should have chores but not to the point of being a slave. It is hard moving in with a partner when there's kids that aren't theirs and you have different ideas of parenting

what I was going to ask. We don't have the full picture yet.

Has a steep learning curve of growing up to do and if he loves you and your family he’d better learn it quick . You are the parent and you are allowing him to join your family. I had to learn this when my now wife and her daughter moved in with me and boy did I make some mistakes along the way, but it was worth it. It sounds like your daughter is doing lots to help and that should be commended. Everyone in the house has to do their share and your boyfriend has to lead by example not by bullying.  
 
Edited by Farmergeorge, 2020-11-27 07:26:06

Respectfully, this is your daughter, and what she does around the house is up to you. If you're happy with what she does, then that's all that matters.  
 
From the sounds of what you're describing, he is deliberately trying to make her feel inadequate, which is rude, childish, and inappropriate.  
 
As it relates to other posters telling you "she needs to do more," well....much like your boyfriend, it's not up to them, and trying to parent someone else's kid (someone they don't even know beyond an eBrandon post) is also rude.  
 
If I were in your shoes, there would need to be a conversation with the boyfriend about his behavior. Tell him (if it's the case) that you're satisfied with the chores she's doing now, and that it's rude for him to talk about your daughter that way. Sometimes blunt works best, because we can forget how our actions affect other people. He genuinely may just not be cluing in to the way he is affecting your daughter, or you.  
 
I hope you're able to resolve this and have a great holiday season!

Every Family has various ways of dealing with life. Each person possibly even at a subconscious level brings their childhood values and coping styles.  
 
 
Your post indicates you recently moved in together. I would be surprised to hear that all was rosy. We used to foster teenagers. What I insisted on was a discussion of our family culture. I am thinking your boyfriend isn’t about being vindictive. I agree with his position that a teenager should have house cleaning duties as a way to master life skills.  
 
You mentioned handicap. I am a retired teacher. My experience. People with talent or abilities are no match for those with a positive attitude and well developed social skills. A hug accomplished far more then a lecture.  
 
I see myself in your des:cription of your boyfriend. My values and expectations haven’t changed as much as my strategies to achieve them.

What people always tend to forget is everyone is different from one another. All people react differently to different upbringing and experiences. For the people saying she should do more because they did more. That's awesome those chores did that for you but that could also make someone a lazy person if they just Hated that upbringing. I personally didn't have any chores growing and also had a poor upbringing, because of that mixture, I ended up one of the hardest workers. That doesn't mean that will happen for anybody else. In the end, the choice is up to the mother and if she Chooses to i:nclude her new bf in decisions about her daughter chores, thats fine. So my advice is to the OP is you decide what is fair for what your daughter does in your home. If your bf has issues, that should be discusses between you two and an agreement needs to come out of it because what he is doing now is wrong and can hurt your daughter. He needs to be accepting of how you raise Your own kids, and once or if you two decide to have your own kids together. Let him have at it with his style but of course, you both have decision making power on that situation. Good luck

As a professional Counsellor,  
You need professional help, ( if he agrees to go with you) to learn what is appropriate for your daughter  
 
2) if he does not go to counselling, you need to move out .

The fact that she is your daughter is not a good place to start and so if you are happy with the contribution she is making in the Home that is that.You are telling him that you are the boss and he better just be quiet . That will not go well with him and he will resent you.

As a teen that was in your daughters situation I think he needs to take a step back and let you parent her. She is way too old to have mom's new BF come in and start demanding changes in how you and her interact and what you have required of her.  
 
He deserves respect (as does she) and can have input when you ask for it, but your daughter has parents and he isnt one of them. Yes your BF is in her life but he is not her dad, she doesnt have to love him just because you do and he is not in charge of her (or shouldn't be anyway) ect. So his roll will be way better handled if he comes in as an adult that provides friendship and guidance because ultimatly she is well on her way to being an adult and for some stranger to step in heavy handed setting "rules" she didnt have before is not going to go well for any of you.  
 
thats how i felt as a teen and as an adult i do understand what the BF/GF were getting at but it wasnt their roll. My dad had a new GF every few years that wanted to shake things up -LMAO who are you ? and how long will you be here id think S/  
 
while my mom was more stable she did have a few BFs with different "rules" one destroyed the relationship she had with my older sister but the one that did the best and gained our trust and respect treated us like an older wiser friend that had to live together and get along and thats the advice id give your BF, but if it comes to you and your daughter are you really going to let his pressure destroy what sounds like a repetitively good kid with a good relationship with you?  
 
Edited by traveller, 2020-11-27 13:50:23

In our house, I have 2 boys and my partner has 2 girls. All 4 kids also spend 50% time at their other parent. In order to keep chores moving around and give everyone variety, we have chores divided into groups. Each group has a daily chore (feed dog, etc), a weekly chore (vacuum, bathrooms, etc) and an "as needed" (laundry, garbage, etc). Each of the kids rotates through the groups, so they only do each item for 1 week out of every 8 week cycle. The adults do anything else needed, and fill in for the kids that aren't here at that time. Sometimes the kids that are here will pick up extra chores.  
 
Would this work in your house OP? Make lists and then everyone knows what is expected of them (and of each other!).  
 
Andrew

 
 
Edited by StephenFryer, 2020-11-29 15:47:59