Discussions

The only sure way to make money these days in publishing is to write a diet book. You don’t believe me? Check out your friendly Barnes and Noble and count the number of diet books on the shelves and tables. Or bring up diet books on Amazon.com and prepare to sit back, stunned.  
 
Statistically, these diets don’t work. Not the Adkins diet, the grapefruit diet, the Hollywood diet, or a thousand others. Ask any woman.  
 
But, remembering how thin and lean and full of energy my girls were at two years of age, it occurred to me that a “Terrible Twos Diet" might make the bestseller list and, only incidentally, make me a lot of money.  
 
It would look something like this:  
 
Day one Breakfast; One pancake, soaked in syrup. A glass of milk stuffed with the pancake, three pennies and a belt loop.  
 
Lunch - 1/2 baloney sandwich covered with chocolate milk, two buttons and a shoe lace. One dried bean stuffed up your nose.  
 
Dinner -1 carrot stick covered with 1/2 cup sugar. Glass of apple juice mixed with creamed corn and paper napkin. Spread generously over dog.  
 
Day Two: Breakfast: 1/2 scrambled egg mixed with grape jelly. Soak in orange juice. Pat neatly on front of stove.  
 
Lunch - Small tube of Vaseline lip gloss. Two dried peas stuffed in each ear. Half a green crayon. Glass of milk poured in shoes and dumped on tray. Slurp.  
 
Dinner - Separate macaroni from cheese and blow toward ceiling fan Squeeze cheese in hands, roll in dog hairs and eat with spoon.  
 
Day Three Breakfast: Squish oatmeal through fingers, form paste and make a face mask. Grin a lot.  
 
Lunch: Pull letters from Campbell’s vegetable soup. Paste on forehead and spell NGRMLX. Eat 1/2 cherry popsicle in living room; Let drip on Windsor upholstered antique chair.  
 
Dinner: Pound meatloaf til flat, cover with peanut butter and wear as hat. Spit up beans onto linoleum and march in it. Drink half bottle vanilla extract. Pour other half in pants.  
 
There! That oughta do it.  
 
I should be skinny by .... July????