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I think I'm gay. I am a female between the age of 35 - 50 and cannot come out. I cannot come out as I know my family will not accept it - as I hear how they talk about others and my workplace would go wild.  
I find I am attracted to men - but not sexually, I was sexually abused by a family member when young. I have had sexually/dating relationships with men.  
I form friendships with women so much easier and trust them so much easier than men. I often have sexual thoughts about women way more than men. I don't know if I am gay or bi-sexual or just way to confused with what's on tv nowadays. Input would be appreciated

It doesn't matter what label people put on it. It sounds like you are coming to terms with your wants and needs, and you just want the RIGHT person, regardless of gender. In your case, it sounds like it's more likely to be a woman.  
 
And you may be surprised. People have definitely become more understanding of alternative relationships.  
 
Mostly, as Dr. Suess so wisely said: "the ones that matter don't mind, and the ones that mind don't matter."

OP you are very courageous for bringing this topic to a public forum. You obviously have a strong need to talk about this. That can be part of the healing process. Though I know I’m not gay, I can relate to your history of being sexually abused. Is it possible that that experience traumatized you such that you have conflicting emotions about gender and attachments. Have you gone for counselling to deal with the trauma? I have yet to find any counsellor in Brandon who knows how to address trauma. You may want to look into the Laurel Trauma center in Winnipeg. It maybe you are not gay but simply have conflicting emotions about attachments and trust. They can either help you or give you the name of a counsellor in Brandon who can help. If you are gay then they can help you come out and realize your full potential. How to handle family perceptions. Etc...  
 
I wish you all the best on this challenging journey. The best advice I can offer is in my subject line. Be gentle with you!

To worry what others will think. My advice to you " be happy " and be with whom ever that is that makes you that way. The only people you have to worry about is yourself and whomever you are in a relationship with. No one else's opinion matters.

I have not known anyone who came out later in life, but with anything personal like this, you may wish to talk it through with a non-judgemental counsellor. Maybe your workplace has an employee assistance program? A counsellor can listen and provide assistance for you to become comfortable enough in your own skin that you can come out as gay/bi/whatever, and just be yourself. A counsellor can also help you with being strong when some people may criticize or reject you. I wish you all the best.

For all the positive words. I was watching a program the other night and a person was questioning if they are gay and the counsellor said "when you fall in love with someone, that's who you fall in love with, not the gender, labels mean nothing"

If your curious then why not try online dating and go on some dates with some women and see how that goes. You’ll find out quickly if you want to have sexual relationships with women.

I am a gay male (44) and I was repeatedly sexually abused over the course of years as a child. I have had counselling about the abuse for years.  
 
From my experience (as I can only talk for myself) my trauma has made it very difficult to form relationships with men, romantic or friendly, but it did not cause me to be attracted to women. I am gay and was born that way. IF you are homosexual (or anything in between) then you were born that way. It might just be taking you longer to acknowledge, understand, and finally accept that.  
 
Though everyone is different, and I am sorry for what happened to you, you just need to embrace love in any form you are lucky enough to find it.  
 
I loved a woman once (she didn’t return it though) and I love her to this day. I would have married her if I had had the chance. I have never had an attraction to another. It was not the gender but the person.  
 
I was lucky, I found a guy who was compassionate & caring. A guy who understood if I might cringe when he touched me. That it wasn’t him. Sexual abuse is horrific and should never happen to anyone but it does not change your attraction or orientation. Some might say you need to find an understanding & compassionate man...but so what if that man is woman.  
 
Don’t be too fast thinking you have to wear a label... you don’t.  
Don’t be too fast to judge yourself... love yourself instead.  
Don’t be too fast to judge others... bigotry is learned... but tolerance is also learned. You don’t really know what someone’s reaction will be. If the people in your life care about you that will win out in the end.  
 
When I told my mother she said “I know. What do you want for lunch?” Not always smooth sailing but she has grown so much and still tries to grow & learn... some 20 years later.  
 
 
Check out SERC (Sexual Education Resource Centre) on Pacific Ave. at 18th street. I believe they have an LGBTQ* coordinator but they definitely have resources and contacts that might help.  
 
 
If you ever want to talk feel free to PM me. I can’t council you, I don’t have the skill, but I do have a good ear & years of personal experience. Hearing someone else’s story might help. Fear of rejection as you explore yourself if normal but it doesn’t mean you are alone.  
 
As RuPaul says at the end of every Drag Race...”If you can’t love yourself then how the hell you gonna love somebody else?”.  
 
Edited by OutinBrandon, 2018-08-31 20:42:06

Is it possible that you are feeling this way because you have trouble trusting males because of your past and getting sexually abused by males? Females are typically the motherly and nurturing type which may give you that “safe” feeling so it’s much easier to trust females.  
It might be worthwhile to speak to a counsellor about your past and help your healing process. It might make your sexual preference more clear. But really what does it matter if you are straight/bi sexual or gay. If you find the person of any gender that you are attracted to and want to pursue go for it. Your happiness is most important. Don’t worry about what everyone else thinks. Follow your heart.

I'll also bring up SERC as a great resource to talk to. For LGBT2SQ+ stuff and/or your history of sexual abuse. It's okay to talk to a professional.  
 
http://serc.mb.ca/  
 
I grew up as a queer female in a household that wasn't (and still isn't) accepting. It is tough and lonely not talking to anyone about it, so I highly recommend reaching out to SERC. If you can make a brave post like this I know you can reach out further to the community and there is a lot of support out there!!

Without wanting to produce too much repetition, and at the risk of being longwinded, there are a lot of things I'd like to say on this topic. Some things already stated in this discussion, I definitely agree with, namely:  
 
1 - Sexual abuse (or T.V., or the suggestions of friends, or any other circumstances in your life) do NOT create homosexuality. Being untrusting of men makes sense to you because of your past. Many women feel this way but are definitely NOT gay. I personally know of many people (men and women) who were horribly abused but who are absolutely straight, and also of many who were never abused at all but who are bi, trans, queer, and a mix of all those.  
 
2 - Finding someone to talk to about your thoughts, feelings, and orientation CAN be very helpful in sorting it all out! This could be a friend, neighbor, counselor, or even a random person on the internet who writes a blog. It doesn't matter who, as long as you are comfortable talking to them and they are able to remain neutrally supportive of whichever direction you go.  
 
3 - On the subject of trauma and counselling, I highly recommend Dr. Wirch. She has a small practice in Brandon but a long waiting list. She counsels for trauma according to the reasearch of Bessel Van Der Kolk and others. In the meantime I **highly** recommend V.D.K.'s book "The Body Keeps the Score". Really brilliant stuff. And of course SERC is a great place to learn more about sexuality and to meet others in the LGBTQ community.  
 
4 - I've often heard phrases along the lines of, "The best way to know if you might be gay, is that you think you might be gay!" (or bi, or queer, or whatever) The point here is that YOU know what's in your heart and mind. Personally, I knew I was attracted to both boys and girls from a very very young age, far to young to even know what "gay" or "bisexual" even meant. Which leads to my next point, which is going to go against what some people have said so far.  
 
The idea that you should do whatever makes you happy, that you should be courageous and come out no matter the rejection you may face, or that you should follow your heart because it's not anyone else's business - well that only works for some people.  
 
For me, those ideas have always been a daydream. I grew up surrounded by family, friends, and community who basically took the stance that being gay etc. meant you were a bad person, untrustworthy, messed up in the head, abused, a pedophile, and therefore completely unwelcome and unacceptable. Along with knowing my feelings towards girls from a very young age, I also "knew" (notice the quotation marks) that I could never show those feelings or pursue them, because if I did, I would be outcast as a terrible person and grow up to be a pedophile.  
No word of a lie, I was in my thirties with two kids of my own before I came to realize THEY WERE WRONG, and I would NEVER be a pedophile, and that there was NOTHING WRONG with my brain that I liked girls. Can you imagine my relief?!  
 
And so I have never come out to more than just a few important people. I can count on one hand the number of people who know I'm bi.  
I have never dated a woman. I have never so much as kissed a woman.  
I chose to stay in the closet all my life because I was not willing to risk losing the things I would lose. And since I am lucky enough to also like men, I decided very very early on (and a zillion times more since then) that I would rather give up the chance to be with a woman, and be able to have the life I wanted.  
Most of my family and friends to this day are still unaccepting of any non-straight or non-traditional orientation or gender, and I therefore will probably never tell them. To me, coming out fully would be a death sentance - I would not be able to handle being cut off, thought of as being messed in the head, and branded a pervert.  
 
And so if you choose to come out, good for you! It is a very difficult and courageous decision. But if you choose not to come out fully, or not to come out at all, that is up to you, because only YOU know what you risk by doing so, and only you know if it is worth the risk. And although coming out can be courageous, that doesn't mean that NOT coming out is cowardly. Because it isn't. If not coming out is best for you, then do that. You can always change your mind later, as you become more sure of yourself and of how you feel, and if you're able to find support.  
 
I know it's a lot, but I hope this is helpful to anyone out there who is struggling with their orientation or gender. I wish there would have been someone to come alongside my younger self and say all this. Who knows where life might have taken me, if I had known before my thirties that  
"You are who you are, and who you are is okay."

I’m taking Bachelor of Science and major in Psychology. Based on your post, there’s 90% chance that you’re are just confused. Well you said there that you we’re sexually abused by someone in your family when you were young and have been sexually/dating with men’s before, and based on your experienced you were traumatized for what happened and you’re having trust issues with men’s, and by that you are more open with women’s. But I barely know you and you are the only one who can answer your questions about yourself. But if you need help and I think you really needed to, you should contact a councillor or psychologist.

Don’t be quick to label yourself. It sounds like you aren’t sure where you stand. Find a good person to talk to and work through all the “stuff” you need to. It can be done I have been there in the same place.  
 
In the end only you will know and know one else. Whether you share or don’t is also up to you.  
 
All the best.

...when people say this it is because many of us are still too scared to come out.  
 
How are people’s opinions going to change if they keep believing that lie?  
It is bigotry still harboured by those who say “I am not prejudiced but...”  
 
Like I said previously, bigotry is learned. Tolerance is learned. Acceptance comes with exposure, experience, and time.  
 
Be glad we live in a time and place in our Society where it is safe to come out. We should appreciate that we have the freedom to that right as milllions of people don’t.  
 
You will not be killed.  
You will not be stoned.  
You will not be imprisoned.  
You will not be whipped.  
You will not be branded.  
You will not lose any human rights.  
You will not lose any civil rights.  
You will not lose any civil liberties or freedoms.  
You will not lose custody of your children.  
 
You may lose some people in your life but they TRULY are not worth knowing if they dislike you because of whom you love. Truth be told... what other downside is there but losing someone who really doesn’t care about you anyway?  
 
The more exposure they have to people different than themselves, no matter what the difference, the more the differences don’t matter.  
 
So, regardless the topic, always try to teach tolerance to the ignorant for then true acceptance will eventually happen.  
 
 
 
P.s. To those who are only out to a person or a small number of people... can you truly, honestly, say you are not at your happiest when you are with these people, when you can really be YOU?  
 
If closeted works for you then great. Coming out was the single most life-affirming thing I have ever done. Being gay isn’t who I am, it is a part of what makes me who I am. I lost more people when I stopped going to Church than I did when I came out,  
 
Edited by OutinBrandon, 2018-09-02 19:28:28

OP...  
 
Be you. Be happy. It’s not up to you to make or keep others happy.  
Hope you find what you need from life.

Does anyone really know for certain how someone else will react to news?

I do know that now is a great time for LGBTQ rights, and that's really worked out for a lot of people. But being killed, stoned, or imprisoned, are not on my list of worries. Equally, I am not worried about the government taking my kids away, or being fired from my job, or anything like that, because I know that LGBTQ people are now protected from such things. But that's all NOW.  
 
My earlier post about remaining in the closet etc., was in reference to my CHILDHOOD. The decision has carried over into adulthood by default. To come out now would really be of no benefit to myself or anyone else. I am married to a man I love and who loves me, and we have three wonderful children together. I have pursued goals in education, career, travel, hobbies, and all that other life stuff. I've had good relationships with family, friends, coworkers, etc. So why change that or put it in jeopardy? There is no reason for me to come out fully. Unless circumstances arise which are out of my control, I will not be starting up a new romantic relationship with anyone, man or woman, so being bi is moot. As you yourself stated, being gay isn't WHO you are, just a PART of you. And not everyone in your life needs to know EVERY part of you. Not everyone in my life needs to know I'm bi.  
 
The fact is, you can teach acceptance and promote love and tolerance all you want, but some people have made up their minds and will not be "taught" to accept beliefs and feelings that are different from their own. My parents and others who loved me greatly were among those. Maybe not everyone who disagrees is "homophobic", and while I certainly don't expect that everyone in my family/friends/etc would be "okay" with me being bi, I DO know that the specific people I am referring to certainly are hateful and rejecting of LGBTQ, and would not "love past it".  
So what is the downside to losing "those kinds" of people? Well, I would have spent my childhood and teen years lonely. It's likely that I would have had very few, if any, friends - no one (at that point in history) wanted to be associated with the "LEZbian". You might as well have the Plague. Not to mention I would have spent my childhood and teen years being "cured" of my perversion. And yes, perverted really is what they would have labeled me. Would you want to be branded a pervert just for thinking another girl was pretty? I highly doubt it. And would you have been able to defy every person you loved, every teacher and kid at school, and go against everything you were taught to be truth, so that you could be open about your feelings of liking people of your own gender? I doubt it.  
 
So, can I truly honestly say I'm at my happiest? I don't know, but is that really a fair question? I wanted to be married and have a family! I suppose if I had made different decisions I could have met the girl of my dreams (instead of the guy) and adopted ten kids (instead of birthing three) and lived happily every after, instead of having the life I do (which is not a bad thing).  
But how was I to know that back then?  
I made the decision to stay "closeted" to protect myself from being an outcast during my CHILDHOOD. I loved and needed my family, friends, and community. I grew up during a time when things like gay marriage, adoption of children by gay couples, and other legal rights simply DID NOT EXIST. But you know what did exist? A medical diagnosis called "sexual orientation disturbance" and the very scary reality of "cure" treatments. Know what was very common? Being called fag, LEZbian, gaylord, homo, and a truckload of other terrible things that no child should need to hear. Those things are improving now, yes, and schools, teachers, and parents are more onboard. But they still happen, and certainly they happened when I was a kid. Maybe now, as a confident and independent adult, I could more safely come out as bi - but I certainly maintain a "no tell" list in my head, and it is perfectly reasonable for me to do so.  
 
And so, this is why I stand by everything I said in my earlier post. This is why I stand by my decision to only be out to a few key people.  
These kinds of things are complicated and highly personal, and are tangled up in all kinds of other circumstances. And this is why I urge anyone LGBTQ, or even questioning or curious, to weigh things carefully. Take your time. If you feel you can't live fully unless you're fully out, then by all means! Be fully out. But for me, I'm not so sure I could have lived as full a life as I have, and for me, being closeted was my best choice.

Do whatever works for you, whatever you need to do to survive in your world.  
 
The OP came on here because she thinks she is gay and wanted advice. Obviously she is unhappy with that aspect of her life.  
Yes, tell her to be cautious, but never suggest stay closeted for the sake of OTHER people.  
Never suggest to come out for the sake of OTHER people.  
In the end of the day you only have you in life that you have to answer to.  
We are born alone, we live amongst others, we die alone.  
 
I WISH I had come out a lot earlier (I was 24) and maybe, maybe not, I would not have had the life I had growing up. Perhaps I would have been happier, perhaps not. I never felt I fit in with anyone. But this is now. We live in the now.  
 
I have only ever come out to 4 people. Myself, my Mum, my father (whom I no longer speak to), and my Grandmother. I came out to myself one day then my Mother & Grandmother the very next day.  
 
I do not wear my homosexuality on my sleeve. I do not shout it from the rooftops. It does not define me. Everyone I care about in my life knows and those I don’t care about don’t matter but I never hide it.  
 
I talked about my partner (recently deceased) freely and openly like a man might talk about his wife, like a woman might her husband, like a guy might his girlfriend, or a gal her boyfriend. That is what being OUT is to me. The freedom to live life like everyone else. Not fearing what I say, who might hear it, how they might react, who might see me, not lying, just living my life.  
 
A story: I started at a new University and a girl (yes, girl, she was only 17) came into the class to see if anyone wanted to go to lunch. I went. She talked about her boyfriend and how she missed him, then said to me “tell me about your boyfriend”. I had known her for 3 minutes. That is what being out is about. Didn’t have to explain anything to her, lie to her, fumble with the right words, or even tell her I was gay. It was no big deal.  
 
To those who think nobody knows your big life secret, the only person you are truly fooling is yourself.  
 
Again, I agree with JessLianne that “not everyone who disagrees is homophobic”, they are ignorant.  
 
(Before people go off on me for calling people ignorant, actually take the time to look up what ignorance is. It is not an insult.) Yes, I am ignorant on many, many things,  
 
 
p.s. J.L. - IF you had had a relationship with a woman you could still have birthed your children. It is a sign of your own ignorance that you think you would have to have “adopted ten kids”. Why the exaggeration of “ten kids”? Gay people have to have large numbers of kids to feel fulfilled in life?  
 
I hope you taught or are teaching your kids more tolerance than the rest of your family. Make the cycle of bigotry in your life end with you. I hope I never have the misfortune of meeting such hateful people.  
 
Edited by OutinBrandon, 2018-09-05 00:16:24

Thanks for calling me ignorant. And yes, I do know what ignorant means, and I still resent being labeled as such.  
So just to clarify, the "ten kids" idea had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with what you suggest - it was not an exaggeration, a stab at those without children, a stab at gay couples, or ignorance of the fact that I could have chosen alternate means of having biological children. It was a reflection of my own personal desire to have many children, whether by birth or adoption, and that my choices and circumstances have limited my number to three.  
 
OP LookandLearn wanted input and advice on how to determine her orientation and how to handle the idea of coming out to family. I shared my thoughts based on my own experiences in life, and I believe I was quite clear in saying that each person has to make their own personal decision in that regard for whatever reasons are important to them. I never suggested that anyone make the closet-or-out choice for the sake of other people.  
 
OP I truly wish you all the best in this. As you can see, it's a complicated situation to navigate for anyone. I hope you are able to sort through it alright and live your best life, whatever that looks like. I hope you are pleasantly surprised by positive support, and are spared from those who would bring you down.

Clarification: my screen name is due to the fact all my friends in Toronto would say “What will you do out in Brandon? Whom do you know out in Brandon? Why live out in Brandon? How is life out in Brandon?” etcetera... nothing about my sexuality. Again, I don’t put that much thought into Out in the closeted sense in my day to day life.

If anyone cant accept you or look at you different because of race,sex,religion,sexual preference then they ain't worth having in life. I'm sorry but I love my family like crazy but if they wouldn't accept it then there the ones making the choice to not be around you or apart of your life. That's my view on it people need to grow up it's not the 70s anymore.