Discussions

I am in shock. Perhaps I'm being unrealistic in thinking you can blend 2 families esp when one side doesn't like you.  
 
My recent X's adult children did not like me. Their father was separated from their father 8 yrs ago. I was his first serious girlfriend since.  
 
My children loved him. Adult and younger ones. We all welcomed him into our home and lives.  
 
I wanted him to defend me. To stand up for me/us when his children said cruel things. He couldn't.  
 
On Jan 1st I said if your that unhappy to leave. He did.  
 
I miss him terribly. Maybe I pushed him. Maybe I should of accepted him keeping us all separate. Maybe, maybe. So many what if's.  
 
How did you deal with it? What happened?  
 
 
 
 

He chose his kids over you. You will never make them like you. It is easier to lose you than lose his children.

Is it you or anyone they don't want him with? Adult child should want to see him happy no matter weather they like them or not ,they learn to "tolerate" them for his happiness because they love their father. I think they are being selfish. Yes he should defend you ...this is the woman I love, you will not disrespect her!  
 
 
 
 
 
Edited by Big Mamma, 2016-01-02 09:42:57

I am a firm believer in putting your children first but it's important for people to remember that some day your children will leave home and have lives of their own. It's important that you maintain a healthy happy relationship with your spouse/significant other because of this. At the end of the day, when everything is said and done, your spouse will be the one you have to hold. This is why it's incredibly important to have date nights, take time for your relationship, etc. A healthy happy relationship means better parents and better for everyone all around. That being said, it would be incredibly hard to have a relationship with someone that your children strongly disliked for whatever reasons. Whether it's jealousy or valid. I'm not sure of the circumstances here. If I'm just going off by what I read here, that I don't think you did anything wrong. It is not unreasonable to ask that he defend you and stick by you, that's what a relationship is. If he couldn't do that well, maybe he just couldn't handle the arguing or the constant feeling of being pulled in two directions. Nobody wants to live that way. Hopefully he will realize one day that his happiness is just as important as his children's and he can't let them dictate his happiness. Maybe one day. But unfortunately a lot of people live this way.

Yes, I encouraged him to go visit and see his kids. In the beginning they liked me until he moved some furniture into my home. After all we were discussing a future together. As soon as he did, they stopped chatting with me. Their father was alone for many years. He was happy.  
 
Do I think he left pulled in the middle? Yes I do.  
 
Now we aren't together because he couldn't tell his kids, you can't treat her that way.  
 
He was upset that I was angry. After all why should I take it out on him. He can't stop them.  
 
I guess it's easier to leave.  
 
My children are going to soo upset. They day he left my daughter asked him if he was her stepdad. ?? when they come they are going to be shocked too.

I never made him choose. I just said if they belittle me to stand up for me. They don't have to like me but they should treat me with respect.

Yes, they should treat you with respect. He doesn't have it in him to tell them to do this. Family dynamics are annoying at the best of times. I would say his adult children are immature to say the least.

Remember, sometimes the ones that are quick to walk away never intended to stay long in the first place.  
 
If he is unable to intervene and say something when his kids are being disrespectful then he is disrespecting you as well in my opinion. Hard truth but maybe you're better off without them.

His children should treat you with respect, irregardless if they like you or not. If they respected their father and his decisions they would respect you. I don't like my mother in law's boyfriend for very valid reasons but when we are forced to be around each other (visits, holidays, birthdays, etc) we treat each other with respect. Heck, we even bought him a Christmas present. We do this because we love her (mom/mother in law) that's called maturity and the understanding that she's a grown woman and will make her own choices. If you want to be apart of her life, we will respect those choices even if we strongly strongly dislike them. I'm sorry this happened, I know it hurts. In his defence, when his children is all he's had for many many years it would be hard to go against that, especially if there was threats from their side involved. Maybe the best thing to do would be to meet and talk everything out, it may not mend it but at least you'd have full closure. I wish you the best of luck.

Of course relationships are complicated, and I wouldn't suggest that you made a bad decision here. But you DID make a decision. To tell someone that if they're that unhappy to leave is definitely an ultimatum. You suggested that this fellow had been trying to keep you all somewhat seperate. And that you didn't respect this. So I think perhaps you both didn't respect each other's feelings and wishes on the very personal matter of a parents relationship with their children. If this fellows children lived mostly with the other parent and the relationship with their dad isn't very tight, you're askin him to possibly lose his relationship with his adult kids by passing along an ultimatum from you. If you didn't like their treatment, why not respect your ex's wishes to keep some separation there? If he was single for EIGHT YEARS, it might be very hard for his kids to easily accept a new situation. What's the guy supposed to do?

The "key" to him leaving lies in your statement "On Jan 1st I said if your that unhappy to leave. He did."  
 
Several years ago - after 16 years of being together, I said to my then-wife "If you are unhappy in this marriage, then leave. If you don't love me, leave. I you think you will be happier elsewhere, leave." She grabbed some clothes and was out the door in minutes. In hindsight, it was the best thing she could have done for me.  
 
 
Edit: And we were a blended family. I had teenage children, she had young children. Her kids loved me, my kids weren't so happy about her but treated her with respect - I would not allow them to disrespect her regardless of their (correct) feelings.  
 
Edited by Cee Jay 55, 2016-01-03 12:44:43

TallCoolOne said "Remember, sometimes the ones that are quick to walk away never intended to stay long in the first place.     If he is unable to intervene and say something when his kids are being disrespectful then he is disrespecting you as well in my opinion. Hard truth but maybe you're better off without them. "

i agree too. Perhaps he never 100% loved you only using you most of this relationship. You can love and put your kids first but also you can love someone else especially you never made him chose.  
All the best to move on quickly and find true happiness to be treated nicely

Thank you everyone for the good and bad suggestions and thoughts.  
 
I appreciate it. I have many regrets on how I could of handled things.  
 
His children are his world. I'm sure they have their own reasons to be worried about me and my children.  
 
I should of keep the space and allowed them to come forward when they were ready instead of trying to push us together as a family.  
 
However, nothing will change the past now. All I know is I did love him. My children loved him. We have to move on.  
 
My first spouse died. I survived.  
My second spouse left. I survived.  
 
It's been 10 yrs since I loved someone.  
I'll survive this too.  
 
I wish him and his family all the best.

Is honour his decision and maybe he will realize he made a mistake and try to reconcile with you. Time will tell: I wish you good luck!

Is honour his decision and maybe he will realize he made a mistake and try to reconcile with you. Time will tell: I wish you good luck!

We both handled things poorly.  
 
Both of us single for too long and set in our ways.  
 
He has a big heart. I hated seeing him hurt. I defended him when I shouldn't. He was afraid to stand up and defend himself or me. However it wasn't up to me. I was wrong. A little too late.  
 
Thanks again.  
 

From what I read you both handled things wrong. You should of given each other some time to think before making the drastic move to end things.  
 
If his family knew how happy you made him I don't understand why they wouldn't be happy for him. No matter what happened with their mother it wasn't your fault and it was a long time ago they split up!  
 
If they knew he was happy why would they be pleased he is now hurting? (If he loved you he will be) Why would they not be encouraging him to work on things so he doesn't make the SAME mistake twice? Why would they want him to be alone? It is selfish of his children to not want their dad to be happy. Their dad being with another woman and his children doesn't make him love them less!!  
 
His children missed out on a very special extended family.  
 
Perhaps he will come around. Maybe not. Not saying goodbye or giving you a chance to find out if you really wanted this or not is not fair to you. Who knows how he left his marriage. It definitely hurts the kids no matter if they are his not.  
 
Leaving so abruptly was no doubt shocking. If your unhappy and he's unhappy because of A fight...it is a poor reason to not try.  
 
However for your sake, YOU tried. Don't live on guilt and all the if only I did this or that. If you apologized and if he really wanted to work on it he would. Relationships are full of MISTAKES. We all make them.  
 
Life is too short. You live and you learn.

Just for the record I reached out for help. I did not mean to disrespect his family at all.  
 
The more I think about it (guilt of course) it wasn't their fault. The ending was not their fault.  
 
We didn't make up after our fight. I told him I needed that. I needed reassuring that we would be ok. I WAS unhappy. I needed him to hold me. I was th one who said if he was unhappy he could leave.  
 
He left. He made no attempt to work on it. It had nothing to do with his family. I should of backed off.  
 
My kids and I will be fine. Thanks for all the pm messages and advice. I needed it.  
 
No disrespect at ALL to his family.

Of course rumors are hitting town. I will be straightening them out as best as I can.  
 
1. I did NOT kick him out. He left on his own.  
 
2. He did NOT leave me intentionally without furniture. I TOLD him to take it if he was unhappy and wanted to leave. After all it was his. I will return his items period.  
 
3. He did NOT use me. I don't believe for one second he promised the world and a future for a piece of tail. He did love me. He just can't forgive me for my emotional outbursts.  
 
There. As I see others I will straighten them out.  
 
He was an amazing man. Kind, considerate, loving, affectionate, and caring. He would do anything for anyone!!  
 
He just couldn't forgive me. The one person who wanted a life with him. The one who wanted to grow old with him.  
 
I really desired a family with him. His/mine/blended together. In the beginning it was amazing with his family. I was excited to have some girls to welcome into my home.  
 
Heck I use to defend his Xwife! Some of the things that happened with them I told him, I would be upset too. Leaving without trying to make it work.... Guess I am the fool now.  
 
I did love him. I reached to him. It's over. Nothing more I can do but wish him all the best. All I know is I miss him. My kids miss him.  
 
I know he hated social media. However, he also knew I had no real close friends in person. I'd much rather be with just him. Many friends were online. I just hope when my name is spoken, it is remembered by the good times not the times I was a basket case! lol. I hope when his children think of me, they understand I loved their father completely. Not because of his bank account, or what he drove. It was who he was as a person....