Discussions

Since my wedding a year ago I have been faced with the typical pressure to have a baby. I understand that this is something that is fairly common for newlyweds to experience. However, my close family (little sister especially) have been bugging me non stop to have a baby...problem is, have a disease that makes it very very difficult to get pregnant, if I can at all. Everyone in my immediate family knows about this, yet they don’t seem to care...  
I want nothing more than to have a child but I can’t make miracles happen and the constant pressure from family is really making me feel horrible because I want a child so bad but can’t have one.  
 
How do I talk to my family about how their comments make me feel without hurting anyone’s feelings?

I have PCOS and was told we likely wouldn’t have children either. It was extremely hard watching my much younger sibling have a child first. It was hard watching friends have children all while we struggled with every method we could to try and make it work.  
 
I will never forget my 30th birthday when I had just miscarried (very early on) and my mom asked me what I was so upset about. Or the 2nd miscarriage (again early on and was a tubal) that the doctor in the ER said “what are you crying for”? Then the 3rd miscarriage that I didn’t even tell anyone about except for a close friend at work. I remember the great sorrow I had and the feeling that the world didn’t understand. Even my own husband didn’t understand. He had 2 kids already and it was ok if he didn’t have another.  
 
But miracles do happen and my child is now 8 years old. I sometimes get the “she needs a sibling “ comment.  
 
It’s hard and people don’t understand. Dr. Ye Traditional Chinese Medicine is what was what worked for me. It took 2 years and was expensive.  
 
Good luck to you!

Why not be straight up with close family and just say "You'll be the first to know" or "When it happens, if it happens, I will let you know".  
 
This is nobody's business but yours. If your little sis is old enough to understand, let her know it's a personal decision.  
 
I am sorry your immediate family doesn't seem to care and wish you the best.

Tell your sister she knows it won't be easy and the constant asking is upsetting you. She should respect that. Also for people who you are not comfortable saying that to, I would just say, I will have kids when I have kids, your asking won't speed it along.  
 
You can say the latter with a smile on your face and people can take it with a grain of salt.

The link that Pawprints posted is awesome! It gives responses in different categories: 'shut them down', 'dance around it', 'educate them' etc. Fabulous list of various answers, depending on who is asking/ what you are comfortable saying.  
 
I simply replied 'We are not having kids, and that's all you need to know.' With my second marriage (trust me, people don't quit asking!), I now say 'oh, we are far too old for that nonsense now!'

I get asked this a lot. Depending on who is asking and how they are asking, determines my answer. For the most part, people just ask to make conversation or to show interest in you. It’s not usually meant in malice or to cause upset feelings.  
 
I’m fairly open and honest so I don’t mind answering with the truth. If the same person or persons were constantly asking me, I’d let them know if it bothers me though.  
 
Not wanting and/or not being able to have children shouldn’t be seen as negative or shameful. It’s why I don’t mind telling people my reasons...it can be helpful to those who may be in a similar situation and want to talk about it. It can also bring up a topic that interests a lot of people but they feel like it’s impolite to ask.  
 
Everyone is different though so if it upsets you, be honest and speak up for yourself! (In regard to anything, not just this )

I have a friend who is struggling with infertility issues. She’s a pretty sensitive and emotional person, so she bursts into tears when anyone asks when she’ll have children, and doesn’t feel embarrassed about doing so. She said it really makes people feel awkward, but really they started it. So if they weren’t prepared for such an emotional response, they shouldn’t ask such a personal question. One thing I’ve noticed is that it seems that people are never satisfied with just “letting you be”. When start dating someone, they ask when you’ll get married. When you get married, when will you have kids. When you have your first kid, when will you have the next one. And then questions about when you think you’ll have grand children, and when will you retire. It never ends. As soon as you accomplish one task, people ask when will the next one take place? It makes me wonder why people can’t just be happy for you in your current state. If you’re content with the way your life is, then why do so many people feel the need to butt in with questions about what would supposedly make it better. If it’s only meant to be conversation starter - maybe try to ask questions about their current situation rather than making them feel like their life is inadequate because they have yet to accomplish the next best thing. If that doesn’t work, then try talking about the weather.

I was surprised by this post, and am sorry that you feel pressured. In the world today, increasing numbers of parents are choosing not to have children until later, instead, focusing on establishing a career first.

I have dealt with the same questions. It was a combination of family, friends, acquaintances, and some professional contacts. Once we started trying, and pregnancy didn't happen, I started to get more defensive. It wasn't their business in the first place, and it was even less so when it wasn't happening. It upset me a lot, and I wish I had said "None of your business, my body, my life. Pregnancy can be life endangering." That was before we knew I have endometriosis (and that may have been why we had 18 months of no success before we became pregnant).  
 
Now, I get the "when will you have a second" question. Depending on the audience, I will choose how tactful I am. Older female relatives, I am more gentle. Those who truly have no business, and should know better, I am not gentle. I explain that I could have died in my first pregnancy (and our child with me), and due to endometriosis the chance of a similar problem happening again (and endangering both my life and the life of an unborn child), I think one healthy child is perfect. I am kind of a fan of being alive.  
 
Set your boundaries. Even with family. Explain once that it is not a topic you wish to discuss, and that you will end any subsequent conversation that someone tries to start on that topic, if you don't want to participate in it. And follow through. It may take a few enforcements of that boundary for it to sink in.  
 
Your body, your life, your choice on what to discuss about it. It is tough.

I don't really have any advice on how to stop the persistent harassment. I just wanted to say you are not alone. As someone who also has infertility issues, no one truly understands how annoying it is to be asked about having kids until there is a possibility it's not going to happen. I used to just laugh it off and say never. Inside it hurt and there were times I planned to tell certain people off if they asked again because I was so fed up with it. At least my family understood and didn't push it though. I'm sorry they are not understanding at all. That's really tough!