Discussions

How do you make friends as an adult? My boyfriend and I have almost no friends, and even less that live nearby, and these are leftover from high school. We are in our middle to late twenties. Going to the bar or club just isn't for us anymore. But where do you meet people?

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And of course my social anxiety doesn't help...

You could try volunteering or getting active in sports.

Form an appy or supper group. Each couple/person brings something,preferably home made but not a deal breaker. Invite your friends at first and then open it up to friends of friends.

Totally agree it is a problem  
Among other issues which I will not list on this post since its not the focus of this post , there is a big problem of venues to meet couples and socializing  
I wanted to start a social group for Couples a few years back and started doing so but did not get momentum  
I would have no issues starting one again if I got 10 or more couples to committee  
 
To start let me start with where I am coming from  
1-I want a group that is in it to have a social interaction with other couples , as a couple , not as a place for people to try and save their relationship , that could be a secondary motive but not the primary  
2- I personally find my self awkward sometimes as in not sure if I am saying the right stuff or as a couple if we are saying the right stuff  
3- Its not a swingers group , or a chance to upgrade  
4- It is not a networking group to get support for kids activities fund rise or get new work or business meetings  
5- It is not a show off session to show off my latest and greatest or get an ego boost  
 
I had this idea because everything we socialize at now involves drinking , watching something or no interaction , all male or all female events  
 
 
Here is what I was looking at  
1- Charge a commitment Fee for 3 month at a time , this way the couples are committed ( $90 per couple )  
2- Events will include full events for both male and female genders  
Anything from cooking classes , pottery , painting, escape room , theater , murder mystery shooting range , snow derbies , quading , bbq , trip in to Winnipeg and a trip to a hot vacation as a year end round up  
3- Baby sitting setup for those who have kids  
 
Anyways I have lots more , but again , little post is more than I want to committee to this at this point till I get feedback and at least 5 couples  
 
Oh one more thing , you would need to be invited to the group or groups to make sure your computable  
 
PM me if your interested

It is not my intention to offend. I hope to help through suggestions and adding some of my thoughts on your endeavor. It is honest and caring, and for that, I commend you. A place to meet others is a need.  
 
I think a group has to figure out its own path. It is great that you want to do this, but I can possibly understand why people did not sign up. It is possible that a fee turns many away immediately and it is possible that listing events will also turn them away...although I do realize that these are just suggestions.  
 
What I think would work better is to suggest couples getting together somewhere free or inexpensive just to begin to chat and see who hits it off. Some will & some won't, but that is life. Commitments may be made in other areas of their life...family events, etc, and they might not be able to make it each time. It needs to be very flexible. If they find someone that they hit it off with, they will be back. If not, they won't. And just maybe they will become friends with one other couple and that is enough to fulfill their need for friendship. This is success!  
 
Of the events you listed, I know that there would be very few we would enjoy and/or have time/money for. I think these should grow out of a group, and most likely at the start it would be a very eclectic interest group anyway that needs to figure out its own path.  
 
I agree that there should be no ulterior motives in the people who would come...as you are trying to address, but that is a tough one to control. By stating it outright, it is an uncomfortable thing to do & read, but I do not know how someone might address these things otherwise. I do agree that it should be to build good old-fashioned (for the lack of a better term) and upright, honest friendships, plain & simple. That is a hard one to control, however, and as I said, hard to address without being blunt.  
 
I tried to start a "homesteading/self sufficiency" group. It started okay, but life is busy for everyone and it did not get very far because of time and distance. I was disappointed, but that is a part of modern life.  
 
I would be interested to see if & where this might go.

No kidding...all THAT posted? My other one, which was much shorter still would not...so, I will try yet again.  
 
I had wanted suggest earlier, doing a new activity as a couple or a new sport, and you are bound to meet others with similar interests. Judo works for us. You have no choice but to make friends when you are in close proximity! After you meet a new couple, then you just approach them and say hi and ask how they are doing and start chatting about whatever. Just don''t go into still-chatting-even-though-they-are-bored overkill. Haha!  
 
Edited by Flutterby, 2017-10-31 16:53:02

It seems like a lot of these groups that have been started sort of fizzle out, at least not much has been posted about them. eg. one that used to meet at The Dock, the senior's coffee on Sundays.  
Agree that volunteering is a good idea, you meet people with similar interests.  
It's really hard to put yourself out there, no one wants to feel rejected.

hadi said "Totally agree it is a problem   Among other issues which I will not list on this post since its not the focus of this post , there is a big problem of venues to meet couples and socializing   I wanted to start a social group for Couples a few years back and started doing so but did not get momentum   I would have no issues starting one again if I got 10 or more couples to committee     To start let me start with where I am coming from   1-I want a group that is in it to have a social interaction with other couples , as a couple , not as a place for people to try and save their relationship , that could be a secondary motive but not the primary   2- I personally find my self awkward sometimes as in not sure if I am saying the right stuff or as a couple if we are saying the right stuff   3- Its not a swingers group , or a chance to upgrade   4- It is not a networking group to get support for kids activities fund rise or get new work or business meetings   5- It is not a show off session to show off my latest and greatest or get an ego boost     I had this idea because everything we socialize at now involves drinking , watching something or no interaction , all male or all female events       Here is what I was looking at   1- Charge a commitment Fee for 3 month at a time , this way the couples are committed ( $90 per couple )   2- Events will include full events for both male and female genders   Anything from cooking classes , pottery , painting, escape room , theater , murder mystery shooting range , snow derbies , quading , bbq , trip in to Winnipeg and a trip to a hot vacation as a year end round up   3- Baby sitting setup for those who have kids     Anyways I have lots more , but again , little post is more than I want to committee to this at this point till I get feedback and at least 5 couples     Oh one more thing , you would need to be invited to the group or groups to make sure your computable     PM me if your interested "

paying to meet friends is so wrong. Some may have children and cannot attend the group all the time. Not that is matters - paying is just wrong.

It is hard try later in life when you move out of province  
but try joining a service club Lions, Kiwanis, rotary, kinsmen they are all encouraging younger folks to joins so no longer are consider the old boys club.  
 
join a church and get involved  
 
what are your personal interests, IE photography, they wind up with filed trips.  
 
sign up for U of B or acc course.

I would love to meet new people. Just moved to Brandon last year from a much bigger city and really struggling with having no friends at all. It is so hard making new friends as a grown up. I do not mind joining a group, but the fee (if any) should be reasonable!

Hi all  
And hi Flutterby  
Let me first say , I don’t get offended , almost never , I love opposing points of view and open discussion . on the contrary I get offended by absolutes and dead end positions and posturing.  
What I wrote was only a starting point something to start interest and discussion , discussion about a project I am very passionate about and would love to see pickup  
Here are some clarifications  
1- The big one the paying  
The paying is not to get money for a project or a company or to start a committee. It is to secure a commitment . someone had posted a pot luck option , even that would mean you have to make something , spend money and time , find a place , setup , tear down and clean up. I am not saying a pot luck could not be one of these nights or down playing a pot luck but lets take an event night  
I had approached Mellie From Pottery to host one of these night , and cost would have been $45 for two items , then catered food would have been another $40 , so that would have been $90 for a couple for 4 hours of socializing. No cleaning after , no one coming to your house .  
If had researched 4 -5 events and they all came up around the same mark , so to line up 3 to start off with would mean first I would have to committee numbers to these places , second might need to give a down payment, and third ( which my time is free ) I would have to coordinate and put in so many hours .. again free but frustrating if peoples commitment was not backed by there money “ put your money where your mouth is “ . To another poster “wrong to pay to meet people “ well it is that world now and dating sights do charge money not that this is what we are doing here , but social life does cost money , exp: A movie nite will cost $50, no dinner , no baby sitter  
Here is where I am going to get some rude feedback from readers , the idea of paying upfront and the $$$ is “ birds of feather flock together “ so if the number is $90 , then you would get $90’s people , if its $300 then that is what you will get … and after researching , ( not a lot ) I wanna deal with the $90’s people and not the $20’s or the $400’s  
2- I know ( from research again) that there are many ( women/ men ) one of the two couples out there who would sign up for these nights right away , with their partners support , but only one would be driving this date . This will lead to no shows. Not sure why that is , due to the whole extravert /introvert . social jetters and easier not to confront anxieties and social fears?  
3- Type of events I have a list of over 120 events and another approach would have been , how I started this project the first time. Solicit all business and see what they can offer , then make a list and see who wants to do what , then just setup nights , which brings us to point 4  
4- The logistics in setting up one night coordinating 10 couples , “ no I can only do Mondays …. I can only do Saturdays … I need my weekend for the kids … no I can only do in town …”  
5- Once you have this going , you will find people only give this night a one time chance , so if they got there and had an issue in the parking lot they would bring that negative experience in and that could kill this project and be toxic not only for them but to the whole group , so you would need them to committee to 2-3 tries  
6- Conflict of personalities as you may know or not know , we come in the 4 main personalities , and people on opposite side of the spectrum tend to offend each other when they are at their best. So again commitment is important  
I can post on and on on and on .. but I think I will stop here as I do want to give a chance for others to give better idea’s since this one as I have already mentioned has been tried and failed  
 
On a personal note  
I am good with any idea , and would love to go to a pot luck , or a paid or free event , even would setup and host one.  
 
The only reason I sound so demanding in my last two posts is because I know what I want out of this , and if I am going Own it , which I really would rather not , I would rather just show up , not police and not do any of this , that way I can enjoy it . But to put in the time and effort I want to make sure that I get what I want. Its probably why it failed , I am like a younger guy who has this tall list ,looking for a wife she has to have 101 qualities, but at the end of te day all he really wants and is willing to take is just a friend and honest partner  
 
But again if there is something out there that me and my partner can just show up or pay and show up please count us in  
 
Edited by hadi, 2017-11-01 07:46:45

Interesting ideas guys, and I think that some of them could work, but hadi as far as your idea goes, I think it makes some sense but I think the problem is, you have to start out knowing people. I wouldn't want to pay $90 (or whatever) just to hang out with people I don't know. And I think thats probably why you failed the first time. I think you need to get together once originally before you start asking for money and a commitment. Like other people are saying they are busy, and I defiantly don't have a whole lot of spare time, like maybe once a month. They don't want to use up their monthly date night (necessarily) on hanging out with unknown people. You'd have to meet somewhere first, like a park or skating oval or something that doesn't cost too much money or that is free, and see if you hit it off with these people.  
 
Personally we are very much into the outdoors, homesteading, skidooing, skiing, quadding, dirt bikes, boating, swimming, hiking, basically anything outdoors. Not super big into organized sports though, as they do take up a lot of time, and we don't live in the city. I don't know if anyone is interested in these types of things message me how about that. And we can talk further

I think the idea of committing to paying $90 to a stranger to hang out with strangers is, well...strange! I get where you're coming from with paying for the activities but you might have more success if people are able to discuss and agree on the activity right off the bat then each pay their own. To commit $90 and find out you don't click with the the members is tough. And being a parent of 2 kids and working full time it IS hard to commit to say, every other Wednesday or whatever. So essentially you'd be looking at couples who have no commitments to anything else. Good luck finding that. As hard as it is to find new friends as adults it also shouldn't feel like a chore. Your idea about different activities to do with others is great but I think it's hard for people to grasp when they know nothing about you or anyone else joining. Maybe I'm just not spontaneous enough. I also am just trying to give my two cents for whatever they are worth. Not trying to be offensive either! That being said, as an adult the friends I have are all current or ex coworkers. I think if you frequent places enough you'll get to know other people who attend those places. Whether it's a class of some sort, the gym or the library. Everyone says Brandon is cliquey. I don't necessarily agree. The people who were born and raised here stick together a lot because they have known each other for years. Those of us who have moved here from elsewhere are starting from scratch and leaving behind those people we've always known. It's easier to stick with what/who you know. There are tons of people looking for friends in Brandon so it's all about the connecting. I think it's important to go outside your comfort zone a bit. I found a friend in someone I bought something off of on eBrandon. It was an unlikely connection but we hit it off and decided to do coffee one day.

Volunteering for organizations that you are interested in is a great way to meet like-minded people in an environment that isn't purely driven by loud music and alcohol.  
There are many organizations that are always looking for help, even just volunteering as a "member at large" at first until you are comfortable with taking on a more prominent role is a good way to start.  
Pick one that pertains to something you are both interested in of course. You'll be surprised at the connections you can make and friendships that develop with people of all ages as well.

i met my friends through an old chat site.. but most newer ones have been through work, and also a ladies game night i joined. i also responded to an ebrandon ad, and met someone for coffee and now we are good friends. My husband and I are always up to meeting new people, sometimes we will have a game night at our place with friends and food, not always drinking, but anyone is most welcome of course. Maybe you are looking for people in your own age group to "associate" with, but we are definitely don't act our age, lol ( I am 37 and my husband is 44- but we feel 25 lol). we also have other friends who are in their late 20's or early 30s. so if your ever looking to get to know a new couple, feel free to PM me or look me up on facebook. any events we have or parties, i will usually send an invitation through there.

As an organizer of our friend group I totally get wanting to plan fun events and I know I would have no problem paying $90 for my spouse and I attending a friend group (as long as the money went towards activities). How is this any different than a splurge night where ladies pay into a pot and somebody wins the money every month and they pick the activity for the month and you pay to do whatever they choose? It opens you up to new people and new activities!  
It burns me up when our friends always say “there’s never anything to do around here”. Are you kidding, there’s tons to do! You just have to put a bit of effort into the planning. And the events don’t have to cost much, heck it could be board games at somebody’s house, or a potluck appetizer night, or a murder mystery at someone’s house. I’ve started scheduling weekly walks for mat leave moms and it’s funny to me that people complain about no friends or not getting out of the house with their babies and I’ve invited them and they never come. We walk indoors once a week, same time every week and it costs nothing.  
I’ll also watch our tv and tape movies I find and we invite couples over to watch movies (kids welcome) just to hang out with other people (no cost). I’m a big advocate of inviting lots and whoever shows up, shows up. Lots of people have made friends through us this way. I always try to i:nclude new people and my mantra is “they may not become my best friend, but they might meet other people through us who they click with and find a friend”.  
I’m also on 3 volunteer boards and have met a ton of people that way and it’s so rewarding! There’s plenty of ways to meet people but you gotta put some effort in!

I understand what Hadi was getting at. Friendships take commitment and hard work like any relationship.  
 
Hadi is at least making suggestions and open to conversations. Don’t focus on the money aspect, that was a suggestion. A way to get people thinking. Wasn’t saying “be my friend... it’s gonna cost you”.  
 
In Toronto (just moved here) cover charges are sometimes up to $50 just to get in the bar, club, pool hall, etc... just to get in the door. Theatres are expensive. A cup of coffee costs a fortune. Restaurants aren’t cheap.  
 
Being social costs MONEY. Living costs money.  
 
Being social costs TIME. It would be great if someone else figured out all the problems/logistics and all we have to do is show up and have fun. That is not reality. Having and keeping friends is just as much work as having spouses and family. People won’t be able to show up to everything and schedules cannot be made to accompany everyone, but you have to start somewhere.  
 
You get what you give.  
 
For me: I am new to Brandon and I am openly gay. Compared to Toronto there is nothing here. I plan on changing that.  
 
I am going to do what people seem to want... make it so easy for them.  
 
I am working on starting an LGBT* and ally social group in Brandon over the next few months. I have a few leads of where to start.  
In the beginning I will be taking all the responsibility and all the cost. All that LGBT* friendly people will have to do is show up.  
 
If you are LGBT* or ally and are interested PM me and I can keep you informed of any progress I’ve made, though it may take some time.  
 
Edited by OutinBrandon, 2017-12-15 14:34:53

You want less? Drive 1 3/4 hours straight north on #10. What do the sane people do here in This Fishbowl Called Dauphin? They are in by 4:30, lock the doors, draw the curtains.  
 
I tried to make a couple friends, but, if you are not from here, they will not let you in. Not at all. Oddly, friendliest place I have ever been. They just do not want to be a friend.

I grew up in Gladstone...even worse. Been to Dauphin often. I agree with you about it.

The Scotsman put it perfectly - friendly place, but they just do not want to be a friend.  
You will be greeted with a friendly hello, engage in chitchat but that's as far as it goes. Everyone has their own little clique and don't want to let others in. Even in the coffee shops, certain groups have their special table and never invite you to join them.  
If you are not home grown, they just don't want to let you in.

Dauphin is a tad different in that it is a regional centre and has somewhat of a caste system. There are the locals, born, bred, never been outside of town. There are all the outsiders, with university degrees, that parachute in and run everything. Third group is the in-between. I am part of the in-between. We hide.  
 
The locals I am not allowed to be part of. The administrators from outside? I have no interaction with that strata.  
 
They will eventually drive me out.

TheScotsman said "Dauphin is a tad different in that it is a regional centre and has somewhat of a caste system. There are the locals, born, bred, never been outside of town. There are all the outsiders, with university degrees, that parachute in and run everything. Third group is the in-between. I am part of the in-between. We hide.     The locals I am not allowed to be part of. The administrators from outside? I have no interaction with that strata.     They will eventually drive me out. "

Forgive me if I'm not getting it. What is stopping the "in betweeners" from forming their own social group(s)? What exactly are you all hiding from? Do the locals and administrators patrol the streets with pitch forks and torches?

I have found that its a cultural thing. Honestly, the Canadian culture is very independent and each person wants their own space. This makes friendships difficult or business-like. I did not have a true always-there friend until my late twenties. Find someone in the same stage of life and then make them feel welcome and comfortable - that is what most people crave and they will gravitate towards it good luck.

fargobob said "    TheScotsman said "Dauphin is a tad different in that it is a regional centre and has somewhat of a caste system. There are the locals, born, bred, never been outside of town. There are all the outsiders, with university degrees, that parachute in and run everything. Third group is the in-between. I am part of the in-between. We hide.     The locals I am not allowed to be part of. The administrators from outside? I have no interaction with that strata.     They will eventually drive me out. " Forgive me if I'm not getting it. What is stopping the "in betweeners" from forming their own social group(s)? What exactly are you all hiding from? Do the locals and administrators patrol the streets with pitch forks and torches? "

Nobody is hiding, they have just given up trying. Nobody likes hitting a brick wall over & over. It is almost as if they patrol as you say. It is nasty to be new or different.  
 
Wherever I have lived it has been like that. It is very difficult to get the new or "inbetweener" people together as they are shut out quite quickly, are belittled and told, sometimes to their face, that their ideas/suggestions aren''t wanted...and we have always done it this way. "New" folks really have no place to find each other. After a time of trying, often they give up and hole up...or move, or find other communities to be a part of.  
 
Some areas are actually worse than others, but all small towns/areas have some degree of this. I fully believe it is a big reason some small towns are dying. Even if the current closed-minded residents lie to the outsiders and draw them in to move to their area, they drive them out quickly. I am seeing this in our community, and have for many years. Here, if they can''t use you for their purposes, you are shut out.  
 
It is a matter of the close-minded residents expanding their mind and moving away to experience more than their comfortable place where they grew up. This is the only way these places might change...or unless the new folks can find a way to get together to cause mutiny. lol  
 
Now wouldn''t that be something!  
 
Edited by Flutterby, 2017-12-16 10:19:41

"Do the locals and administrators patrol the streets with pitch forks and torches?". Yes, in some manner they do.  
 
They keep a physical distance. They ask "How long are you here for?". Then they immediately dismiss you as not worth the effort as you will only stay a few years. They refuse to make any effort.  
 
I have nothing in common with the other in-betweens, nor do they have any with me.  
 
As Flutterby says, these towns want new people, then subject the new people to discrimination because "Yer not from around here", which, was actually said to me.

 
 
Edited by Twomindeddude, 2017-12-17 17:36:54

hadi said "Totally agree it is a problem   Among other issues which I will not list on this post since its not the focus of this post , there is a big problem of venues to meet couples and socializing   I wanted to start a social group for Couples a few years back and started doing so but did not get momentum   I would have no issues starting one again if I got 10 or more couples to committee     To start let me start with where I am coming from   1-I want a group that is in it to have a social interaction with other couples , as a couple , not as a place for people to try and save their relationship , that could be a secondary motive but not the primary   2- I personally find my self awkward sometimes as in not sure if I am saying the right stuff or as a couple if we are saying the right stuff   3- Its not a swingers group , or a chance to upgrade   4- It is not a networking group to get support for kids activities fund rise or get new work or business meetings   5- It is not a show off session to show off my latest and greatest or get an ego boost     I had this idea because everything we socialize at now involves drinking , watching something or no interaction , all male or all female events       Here is what I was looking at   1- Charge a commitment Fee for 3 month at a time , this way the couples are committed ( $90 per couple )   2- Events will include full events for both male and female genders   Anything from cooking classes , pottery , painting, escape room , theater , murder mystery shooting range , snow derbies , quading , bbq , trip in to Winnipeg and a trip to a hot vacation as a year end round up   3- Baby sitting setup for those who have kids     Anyways I have lots more , but again , little post is more than I want to committee to this at this point till I get feedback and at least 5 couples     Oh one more thing , you would need to be invited to the group or groups to make sure your computable     PM me if your interested "

You will need a Host/Hostess who can handle all different types of personalities along with connecting different cultures. Someone who knows how to get a group going and can take the anxiety off of everyone so they can try and be themselves personally. Someone that can handle any situation between two people if they have issues with each other. I don't think theres a lot of people like that but if you know someone. Get them and use them, it will go a long way if you do start this idea up. My two cents, good luck

It is most defiantly hard in small towns, as I live near rivers and there just really isn't a whole lot going on there as far as social events. It is really a pain to continuously drive to brandon, but that's what you gotta do I guess. I find it is really hard particularly as an adult with no children, as a lot of people meet friends through their kids. I dunno maybe that's just me that thinks like that but most people with kids almost always just talk about their kids.